My Brother’s Engagement Turned Into Family Drama Because I Refused to Stay With My BIL
I never imagined that my brother’s engagement would turn into a family drama because of a decision as simple as where I wanted to sleep. I was genuinely excited about the engagement and had been looking forward to seeing everyone together for such an important occasion. In our family, engagements and weddings are not just ceremonies; they are opportunities for relatives to reconnect, share meals, take pictures, and celebrate a new chapter in someone’s life. I wanted my brother to have a wonderful experience without unnecessary arguments or tension. However, there was one person whose presence made me uncomfortable: my brother-in-law, my sister’s husband. About two years earlier, he had cheated on my sister with a colleague and had wanted to continue communicating with that woman even after my sister discovered the affair. The situation had caused enormous pain for my sister and had created a serious conflict between him and the rest of our family. Although my sister eventually decided to forgive him and continue her marriage, the way he treated us during that confrontation had never left my mind.
When we first discovered the affair, my brother, my mother, and I decided to speak directly to my brother-in-law because we were concerned about my sister and the future of her marriage. We did not expect the conversation to be pleasant, but we believed he needed to understand how deeply his actions had hurt everyone involved. Instead of taking responsibility, he became defensive and started saying disrespectful things to us. The argument became heated, and although we also lost our tempers at certain points, most of the personal insults came from him. He spoke to us in ways I never expected from someone who had been welcomed into our family and treated with kindness. Eventually, my sister made her own decision to forgive him, and we respected her choice because we understood that her marriage was hers to manage. My parents later received an apology from him and chose to forgive him for my sister’s sake. However, neither my brother nor I received an apology, and my brother-in-law continued behaving as though we were the ones who had wronged him. What bothered me most was that he seemed angry with us simply because we had confronted him about his own actions.
Over time, my parents tried to move forward and restore peace within the family. They wanted everyone to get along, especially because my sister had chosen to remain with her husband. I understood their position, and I never demanded that they stop speaking to him or treat him badly. I also never tried to convince my sister to leave her marriage after she had made her decision. However, forgiving someone and feeling comfortable around them are two different things. I could accept that my sister wanted to continue her relationship without pretending that everything between my brother-in-law and me had returned to normal. He had never acknowledged his behavior toward me, never taken responsibility for the insults he had made, and never shown any genuine interest in repairing our relationship. Whenever we were in the same room, I tried to remain polite, but there was always an uncomfortable tension. I did not want to argue with him, and I certainly did not want to create problems for my sister. I simply preferred to keep some distance from someone who had treated me disrespectfully and then acted as though he had done nothing wrong.
When my brother’s engagement was announced, the whole family began making arrangements for the celebration. Relatives would be visiting, meals needed to be organized, and everyone was discussing where guests would stay. Since my parents’ house was expected to be one of the main gathering places, it was natural for people to assume that close family members would stay there. My sister and her husband were also expected to attend, and it became clear that my brother-in-law would be spending time at my parents’ house during the engagement festivities. I knew that staying there would mean sharing the same space with him for extended periods, possibly eating meals together, sitting in the same rooms, and participating in conversations that might become uncomfortable. I could already imagine the awkwardness, especially if someone brought up the past or expected us to behave like close relatives. I did not want my brother’s special occasion to become another opportunity for arguments. After thinking about it carefully, I decided that I would book a hotel nearby. That way, I could attend every event, spend time with my family, and celebrate my brother’s engagement without forcing myself into an environment where I felt uncomfortable.
I did not think my decision was particularly controversial because I was paying for my own accommodation and was not asking anyone else to change their plans. I was not refusing to attend the engagement, and I was not trying to punish my sister for staying married to her husband. I simply wanted a separate place where I could relax after the celebrations. However, when my parents learned about my plan, they were disappointed. They asked why I would spend money on a hotel when there was enough room at their house. I explained that I wanted some personal space and preferred not to stay under the same roof as my brother-in-law. At first, I tried to keep my explanation brief because I did not want to reopen the entire affair or turn the engagement preparations into another family dispute. My parents, however, seemed to interpret my decision as a sign that I was deliberately distancing myself from the family. They reminded me that my sister had forgiven her husband and that everyone was trying to move forward. I told them I understood, but I had never promised to forget how he treated me. I could be civil toward him without sharing a house with him for several days.
Things became more complicated when my sister found out that I had booked a hotel specifically because I did not want to stay with her husband. She was upset and felt that my decision indirectly criticized her choice to forgive him. She asked why I could not put the past behind me for the sake of our family, especially during such an important event for our brother. I explained that I was not asking her to choose between her husband and me, nor was I trying to interfere in her marriage. I respected her decision to continue the relationship, even if I did not agree with every aspect of how the situation had been handled. But I also believed that my feelings deserved some consideration. Her husband had apologized to our parents, yet he had never made any effort to apologize to my brother or me. Why was I expected to act as though our relationship was perfectly fine when he had done nothing to repair it? My sister argued that keeping distance would only make the family situation worse, while I felt that pretending to be comfortable would create resentment. I did not want to humiliate her or make her feel that I was rejecting her marriage. I simply wanted the freedom to decide how much contact I was comfortable having with her husband.
My brother also became involved in the disagreement because the engagement was supposed to be about him, not about an old conflict. He was frustrated that our parents and sister were spending so much energy discussing my accommodation instead of focusing on the preparations. He understood why I did not feel comfortable staying with our brother-in-law, since he had been present during the original confrontation and had also been insulted. At the same time, he did not want the engagement to become a reason for further division within the family. He asked everyone to calm down and reminded us that we could attend the celebration without agreeing on every personal issue. I agreed with him completely. I had no intention of bringing up the affair during the engagement, confronting my brother-in-law in front of relatives, or making negative comments about him. I was willing to greet him politely, participate in family photographs if necessary, and remain respectful throughout the event. Booking a hotel was actually my way of reducing the possibility of conflict. I thought having separate accommodation would give everyone more breathing room, but instead, my choice became another issue that people felt entitled to debate.
As the engagement approached, I started questioning whether I had handled the situation correctly. Part of me wondered whether I should simply stay at my parents’ house for a night or two to avoid upsetting everyone. I knew my parents wanted a peaceful celebration, and I did not want them to feel that they had failed to bring the family together. At the same time, I resented the idea that maintaining peace always seemed to require the person who felt hurt to make the biggest compromise. My brother-in-law had been the one who behaved disrespectfully during the original confrontation, yet somehow my decision to maintain distance had become the problem. I had never demanded that he apologize before attending the engagement, and I had never threatened to boycott the event if he was invited. I was still planning to show up, congratulate my brother, help wherever I could, and enjoy the celebration. I was simply choosing not to share living space with someone with whom I had unresolved tension. Eventually, I decided to keep my hotel reservation rather than change my plans out of guilt. I reminded myself that I was responsible for my own behavior, not for ensuring that every relative approved of my personal boundaries.
Now, I am wondering whether I am being unreasonable. My parents believe that since they forgave my brother-in-law and my sister chose to remain married to him, I should make a greater effort to move on. My sister feels that my refusal to stay at their house makes her husband look unwelcome and could create awkward questions from other relatives. Some family members think I am holding a grudge over something that happened two years ago, while others understand why I would prefer separate accommodation. I do not hate my brother-in-law, and I am not trying to damage my sister’s marriage. I can accept that he will remain part of our family, and I am willing to treat him respectfully at gatherings. However, I do not believe that family relationships automatically erase the consequences of past behavior, especially when no apology has been offered. I booked and paid for my own hotel, and I will still attend my brother’s engagement with the intention of making his day special. AITA for refusing to stay at my parents’ house during my brother’s engagement because I do not want to share a home with my BIL, even though my decision has upset my parents and sister?
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AITA for staying in a hotel instead of my parents’ house during my brother’s engagement because I didn’t want to stay with my BIL?
About two years ago, my sister discovered that her husband (my BIL) was cheating on her with a colleague.
He wanted to continue talking to the colleague even after my sister found out.
My brother, my mother, and I went to speak to him about the situation. The conversation became heated, and he became defensive. He said many disrespectful things to us, and although things got heated on both sides, most of the insults came from him.
Eventually, my sister decided to forgive him and continue her marriage.
My BIL later apologised to my parents, and they forgave him for my sister’s sake. However, he never apologised to me or my brother. In fact, he still seems angry with us over the confrontation.
My family had made considerable efforts to accommodate him and maintain a good relationship with him, despite experiencing disrespect from him on other occasions.
We had hoped he would take good care of my sister, so the affair and everything that followed were particularly disappointing.
Fast forward to my brother’s engagement. Everyone was going to stay at my parents’ house for the function, including my sister and BIL.
I wasn’t comfortable staying in the same house as my BIL, given what happened in the past and the fact that he never attempted to make things right with me.
I decided to book a hotel instead.
My parents wanted me to stay at their house, but I refused.
They became angry with me for this decision. My mother felt that I should compromise for my sister’s sake.
During the engagement, my sister, BIL, and mother were unhappy about the situation. I chose to ignore the tension and behave normally throughout the function because I didn’t want to create a scene or spoil my brother’s special occasion. However, the situation affected my brother too.
My parents have since stopped talking to me. I feel that I’m being expected to accommodate someone who disrespected me, even though he has made no effort to apologise or repair our relationship.
I understand that my sister has chosen to forgive her husband and that my parents have done the same.
I don’t expect them to change their decisions. However, I don’t feel obligated to have the same relationship with him that they do.
At the same time, I wonder whether I should have put my discomfort aside and stayed at my parents’ house for a couple of days for my brother’s sake. Perhaps doing so would have prevented some of the tension around his engagement.
So, AITA for choosing to stay in a hotel rather than stay under the same roof as my BIL, even though my decision upset my parents and affected my brother’s engagement?
The Engagement That Brought Back Old Family Conflicts
I never imagined that my brother’s engagement would turn into a family conflict because of a decision about where I wanted to stay. I had been looking forward to the engagement for weeks because it was an important milestone in my brother’s life, and I genuinely wanted everything to go smoothly. Our family usually makes a big effort for special occasions, bringing relatives together, preparing food, arranging decorations, and making sure everyone feels welcome. I wanted to enjoy the celebrations, spend time with my siblings, and create happy memories with my family. However, there was one person whose presence made me uncomfortable: my brother-in-law, my sister’s husband. Because of what had happened between us two years earlier, I knew that staying in the same house with him for several days would be difficult. I did not want to create a scene, argue with anyone, or make the engagement about an old disagreement. I simply wanted to attend the celebration, support my brother, and have somewhere peaceful to return to afterward.
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About two years ago, my sister discovered that her husband had been cheating on her with a colleague. What made the situation even more upsetting was that he wanted to continue talking to that woman even after my sister discovered the affair. My sister was understandably hurt, confused, and emotionally overwhelmed. As her family, we were concerned about her well-being and wanted to understand what was happening. We were not comfortable watching someone we loved go through such a painful experience while her husband appeared unwilling to take full responsibility for his actions. At that time, we believed that speaking directly to him might help him understand the seriousness of the situation. We were not trying to control my sister’s decisions or force her to end her marriage. We simply wanted him to recognize the damage his behavior had caused and stop making a difficult situation worse.
My brother, my mother, and I eventually decided to meet with my brother-in-law and discuss the affair. We knew the conversation might be uncomfortable, but none of us expected it to become as hostile as it did. At first, we tried to explain why his behavior had upset us and why continuing to communicate with the colleague after the affair was discovered seemed disrespectful to my sister. Instead of listening calmly, he became defensive and started arguing with us. He acted as though we had no right to question him, even though his decisions had directly affected someone we cared about deeply. The conversation quickly became heated, and everyone became emotional. I admit that we were upset and that the conversation was not perfectly calm on our side either. However, my brother-in-law said several insulting things that went far beyond a disagreement about the situation. His words made it clear that he was angry with us for confronting him rather than concerned about repairing the relationships he had damaged.
What bothered me most was not simply that we had argued. Families sometimes disagree, and people occasionally say things they later regret when emotions are running high. What stayed with me was the way my brother-in-law behaved afterward. He seemed to believe that we were the problem because we had challenged him about his affair. Instead of acknowledging that his actions had caused the confrontation, he continued to act resentful toward my brother and me. I had expected that, after everyone calmed down, he might recognize that the conversation had become unpleasant and make some effort to resolve the tension. I did not expect a dramatic apology or a long emotional discussion. Even a simple acknowledgment that he had spoken disrespectfully would have made a difference. Unfortunately, that never happened. The incident became one of those uncomfortable family memories that everyone seemed to want to forget without actually addressing what had happened.
Eventually, my sister made the decision to forgive her husband and continue their marriage. That was her choice, and although we had concerns about the situation, we understood that she had to decide what was best for her own life. We did not want to force her to leave her husband simply because we were angry with him. We also recognized that relationships are complicated and that outsiders do not always understand everything happening between a married couple. Once she decided to move forward, we tried to respect her decision. My mother and father wanted the family to return to normal, and they hoped that everyone could eventually get along again. I understood why they wanted peace. Nobody enjoys having family gatherings filled with tension, especially when the conflict involves a married couple who are trying to rebuild their relationship. However, respecting my sister’s decision did not mean that my own feelings about her husband disappeared overnight.
My parents eventually received an apology from my brother-in-law, and they chose to forgive him for my sister’s sake. They believed that accepting his apology would help the family move forward and make future gatherings easier. I did not object to their decision. They were entitled to decide what kind of relationship they wanted to have with him, just as my sister was entitled to decide whether she wanted to remain married to him. The problem was that he never apologized to my brother or me. We had been present during the confrontation, and we had also been on the receiving end of his insults, yet he apparently felt no need to address his behavior toward us. In fact, he continued to behave as though he was the person who had been wronged. That made it difficult for me to understand why everyone expected us to act as though everything was perfectly fine. I was not demanding that he apologize before every family gathering, but I found it strange that reconciliation seemed to be expected from us without any acknowledgment of what had happened.
Over the following months, my family made several efforts to restore a sense of normality. We attended family gatherings, exchanged greetings, and tried not to bring up the affair unless it was necessary. I did my best to remain polite whenever my brother-in-law was present. I never deliberately insulted him, tried to embarrass him in front of relatives, or made it my mission to interfere in his marriage. If we happened to be in the same room, I could have a normal conversation when necessary, although I preferred not to spend unnecessary time around him. My parents seemed to interpret my behavior as a lack of forgiveness, but I did not see it that way. To me, being civil was different from pretending we had a close relationship. I could respect my sister’s marriage without trusting her husband or wanting to spend extended periods of time with him. I believed that keeping a reasonable distance was better than forcing a relationship that neither of us had made a genuine effort to repair.
When my brother announced his engagement, I was genuinely happy for him. I knew how much this new chapter meant to him, and I wanted to support him in every possible way. I started thinking about the arrangements, the relatives who would attend, and the time we would spend together before and after the ceremony. In our family, these celebrations often involve more than one day of activities, with people visiting the house, sharing meals, helping with preparations, and staying overnight. My parents’ house was expected to be the main gathering place, so it was natural for everyone to assume that close family members would stay there. At first, I did not think much about the accommodation arrangements. I assumed I would find a comfortable place to stay and attend the events as planned. However, once I realized that my brother-in-law would also be staying at my parents’ house, I began reconsidering whether that arrangement would be comfortable for me.
The more I thought about it, the less appealing the idea of staying at my parents’ house became. I imagined spending the entire day at the engagement festivities and then returning to the same house as my brother-in-law, where we would have to share common spaces and interact closely. We might have to eat breakfast together, sit in the living room, or participate in conversations with relatives who expected everyone to behave like one happy family. I was concerned that even a small disagreement could make the atmosphere uncomfortable for everyone. I also knew that I would feel tense knowing I had to spend so much time around someone who had never apologized for insulting me. I did not want to spend my brother’s engagement monitoring my words, avoiding certain rooms, or wondering whether a conversation might turn into another argument. The entire point of attending was to celebrate my brother, not to test how much discomfort I could tolerate for the sake of appearances.
After considering my options, I decided to book a hotel near my parents’ house. I planned to pay for the room myself, and I made sure it would be close enough for me to attend all the celebrations without difficulty. I thought this was a reasonable solution because it allowed me to participate in everything while maintaining some personal space. I was not asking my parents to change their arrangements, nor was I asking my sister to stay somewhere else with her husband. I was not refusing to attend the engagement, and I had no intention of making a public statement about the affair. I simply wanted somewhere comfortable to sleep and relax at the end of each day. In my mind, this arrangement would actually reduce the possibility of conflict because my brother-in-law and I would not be forced to share the same living space for extended periods. I believed everyone could continue with their plans while I quietly managed my own accommodation.
When I told my parents that I had booked a hotel, they were surprised. My mother immediately asked why I would spend money on accommodation when I could stay at home with the rest of the family. She pointed out that there was enough room and that nobody should have to pay for a hotel during a family celebration. I explained that I preferred having my own space and that staying with my brother-in-law would make me uncomfortable. At first, I tried not to go into too much detail because I did not want the conversation to become an argument about the affair all over again. I thought my explanation would be enough for them to understand that this was a personal decision. Instead, they began asking whether I was still angry about what had happened two years earlier. My father suggested that it was time to move on, especially because my sister had already forgiven her husband and wanted the family to be peaceful.
I explained to my parents that I was not trying to hold the entire family hostage to an old disagreement. I was not demanding that they stop inviting my brother-in-law to gatherings, and I was not asking them to treat him badly. They had every right to forgive him, just as my sister had every right to continue her marriage. However, I also had the right to decide where I felt comfortable staying. The fact that two years had passed did not automatically erase the way he had spoken to us or the fact that he had never apologized to my brother or me. I told them that I could attend the engagement, greet him politely, and avoid discussing the past without pretending that we had a close relationship. My parents seemed disappointed by this distinction. They believed that staying at the hotel would make the situation look more serious than it needed to be. I believed that forcing everyone under one roof would not necessarily solve anything and could make the tension worse.
My mother was particularly upset because she wanted the engagement to bring everyone together. She explained that parents spend years raising their children and hope that, when important family occasions arrive, everyone will be able to sit together without old disagreements getting in the way. I understood the sentiment behind her words. I knew she wanted to see her children happy, and I did not want to cause her unnecessary stress. However, I also felt that she was focusing more on how the family appeared than on why I was uncomfortable in the first place. She had witnessed the original conflict and knew how disrespectfully my brother-in-law had spoken to us. She had also received an apology from him, which gave her a reason to move forward with a more positive attitude. I had not received the same apology. I tried to explain that I was not asking her to reopen the argument or take sides. I only wanted her to accept that my relationship with him was different from hers.
Things became even more complicated when my sister learned that I had booked the hotel specifically because I did not want to stay with her husband. She was hurt and felt that my decision was an indirect criticism of her marriage. She asked why I could not put the past behind me for a few days and stay at our parents’ house like everyone else. From her perspective, the affair had happened two years earlier, she had made the decision to forgive her husband, and the family should now be concentrating on happier things. She worried that my refusal to stay in the same house would make her husband feel unwelcome and could lead other relatives to ask uncomfortable questions. I could understand why she might see it that way, especially if she wanted the engagement to feel like a fresh start for the whole family. However, I felt that she was interpreting my personal boundary as a judgment about her choices. I had not asked her to separate from her husband, and I was not trying to make her feel guilty for staying with him.
I tried to reassure my sister that my decision was not intended to punish her. I told her that I respected her right to choose her own future and that I was happy she wanted to be part of our brother’s engagement celebrations. I had no intention of making her feel that she had to defend her marriage to me. At the same time, I explained that she could not reasonably expect everyone else to have exactly the same relationship with her husband that she had. She had decided to forgive him as her spouse, and our parents had chosen to accept his apology. My brother and I had experienced a different side of the situation and had never received any apology from him. I was not saying he could never become part of my life in a more comfortable way. I was saying that rebuilding a relationship required some willingness from both sides. My sister seemed frustrated by that explanation and argued that we should not allow one uncomfortable confrontation to affect the family forever. I replied that the confrontation had not been the only issue; his refusal to take responsibility afterward had also affected how I felt about him.
One of the things that frustrated me most was the assumption that choosing a hotel meant I was deliberately creating drama. I had not posted anything about the situation online, announced my decision to relatives, or told anyone that they should avoid my brother-in-law. I had simply arranged my own accommodation. If I had refused to attend the engagement, sent an angry message to the family group, or demanded that my sister leave her husband at home, I could understand why people might accuse me of escalating the conflict. But I was doing none of those things. I was still planning to show up, congratulate my brother, participate in the celebrations, and help with any preparations I could manage. The only difference was that I would sleep at a hotel instead of my parents’ house. I found it difficult to understand why this small decision had become a major family issue when it did not prevent anyone else from enjoying the event.
My brother eventually became involved in the discussion because the engagement was supposed to be about him. He had been present during the original confrontation with our brother-in-law, so he understood why I did not feel comfortable staying in the same house. He had also been insulted during that argument and had never received an apology. However, he did not want the engagement preparations to become consumed by disagreements about the past. He reminded everyone that the celebration was an important day for him and that he wanted the family to focus on making it special. He asked our parents and sister to respect my decision and let me handle my own accommodation. At the same time, he asked me not to let the situation affect the event or turn it into a confrontation. I agreed immediately because that was never my intention. I wanted him to feel supported, and I had no interest in making his engagement a platform for settling old scores. I was relieved that at least one person understood that we could disagree about accommodation without ruining the entire celebration.
Even after my brother tried to calm everyone down, the issue continued to come up in conversations. My parents occasionally suggested that I could cancel the reservation and stay at home instead. My sister made comments about how difficult it was for everyone to move forward when I continued to keep my distance from her husband. These comments made me feel as though I was being asked to prove my forgiveness by putting myself in a situation I did not want. I began wondering whether I was being unnecessarily stubborn. After all, I would only be staying there for a short period, and I could probably avoid spending too much time with my brother-in-law if I wanted to. Perhaps I could have tolerated the discomfort for the sake of my parents and sister. But another part of me wondered why I should have to do that when I had already made a practical arrangement that did not inconvenience anyone. I did not want to give in simply because everyone was uncomfortable with my decision.
I also considered whether my decision might make my brother-in-law believe that I was trying to provoke him. Although I did not particularly care whether he approved of my choice, I did not want him to use it as another reason to blame me for the tension in our relationship. Based on his behavior after the affair was discovered, I suspected he would interpret almost anything I did as evidence that I was holding a grudge. If I stayed at the house but kept my distance, he might complain that I was being rude. If I greeted him warmly, I might feel that I was pretending everything was fine when it was not. By staying at a hotel, I could avoid many of those small interactions without making a direct issue of them. I realized that I could not control how he interpreted my actions. Even if I made every effort to be polite, he might still believe that I was the unreasonable one. That realization helped me focus on what I could control: my behavior, my accommodation, and my commitment to supporting my brother.
As the engagement date approached, I made sure my hotel arrangements were organized. I checked the distance from my parents’ house, planned how I would travel between the hotel and the event, and made sure I would have enough time to help with anything that needed attention. I did not want my accommodation decision to create practical difficulties for anyone else. I also made a conscious decision not to discuss the affair during the engagement unless someone directly brought it up in a way that required a response. I would not make sarcastic remarks, deliberately ignore my brother-in-law in front of relatives, or use the event to remind everyone of his past behavior. If we crossed paths, I would greet him politely and continue with whatever I was doing. I felt that this was a reasonable compromise. I was maintaining my personal space without demanding that the rest of the family change its plans. I hoped that once the celebrations actually began, everyone would realize that my hotel reservation did not need to be the center of attention.
Despite my efforts to keep things calm, I still felt guilty about the stress my parents were experiencing. I knew that they wanted their children to get along, and I understood that watching the family argue before an important celebration was upsetting for them. Part of me wished that my brother-in-law had simply apologized to my brother and me after the original confrontation. If he had acknowledged his insults and made a genuine effort to repair the relationship, perhaps the accommodation question would never have become an issue. I was not expecting us to become best friends or forget the affair entirely. I simply wanted some recognition that the way he had treated us had been wrong. Instead, the lack of an apology had left the relationship unresolved, and everyone seemed to expect time alone to fix it. I knew time could make anger less intense, but it could not create an apology that had never been offered. I could feel less angry about what happened and still decide that I did not want to share a house with him.
My father eventually told me that family relationships required compromise and that sometimes we had to put aside our personal discomfort for important occasions. He reminded me that my sister was still married to this man and that he would remain part of our family for the foreseeable future. I did not disagree with either point. I knew that my brother-in-law was not going to disappear from family gatherings simply because I disliked how he had behaved. I also knew that avoiding every event where he was present would be unrealistic and unfair to my sister. However, I did not believe that attending a gathering and sharing a home were the same thing. I was willing to be in the same room with him, participate in conversations when necessary, and remain respectful throughout the engagement. Choosing not to share accommodation was a smaller boundary than refusing to attend family events altogether. I explained that I was not trying to cut him out of the family; I was choosing a living arrangement that made me feel more comfortable.
My sister continued to argue that my choice could make her husband feel embarrassed, particularly if other relatives noticed that I was staying elsewhere. I asked her whether she would rather I stay at the house while feeling uncomfortable and potentially become distant or irritated during the celebrations. I believed that separate accommodation would reduce the chance of awkwardness, not increase it. If anyone asked why I was staying at a hotel, I could simply say that I preferred having my own space. I did not need to explain the affair or criticize her husband. I could keep the answer private and move on with the conversation. My sister said that people might still make assumptions, but I pointed out that we could not control every assumption relatives might make. If the family treated the hotel reservation as an ordinary personal choice, there would be very little for anyone to discuss. It seemed to me that the situation was becoming dramatic largely because everyone was assigning a deeper meaning to a decision that I had made for my own comfort.
As I thought more about the entire situation, I realized that the disagreement was not really about the cost of a hotel room or the distance between two houses. It was about what forgiveness meant to different people in our family. My sister believed that forgiving her husband meant the family should eventually return to normal. My parents seemed to believe that accepting his apology meant everyone should stop treating the affair as an unresolved issue. I viewed forgiveness differently. I could accept that my sister had moved forward without feeling obligated to restore the same level of trust in her husband. I could also choose not to remain angry forever while still acknowledging that his behavior had consequences. To me, forgiveness did not require pretending that nothing had happened or giving someone unlimited access to my time and personal space. Perhaps my family saw that distinction as unnecessary, but I believed it was important. I did not want to carry resentment into every future gathering, yet I also did not want to force closeness simply to make everyone else comfortable.
I also wondered whether I should have communicated my decision differently from the beginning. Perhaps I could have simply told my parents that I had arranged a hotel because I wanted privacy and left the explanation there. By mentioning that I did not want to stay with my brother-in-law, I may have made it easier for everyone to focus on the old conflict rather than the practical arrangement. On the other hand, I did not want to lie about my reasons or pretend that his presence had nothing to do with my decision. I wanted to be honest without turning the situation into an accusation. I had not intended to make my sister feel judged, and I did not want my parents to think that I was deliberately challenging their authority in their own home. If I could change anything, perhaps I would have explained my plans more calmly and emphasized that I was still committed to attending the engagement. However, I did not believe that communicating my boundary imperfectly meant I had to abandon it altogether. The question was whether the boundary itself was unreasonable, not whether everyone liked the way I had explained it.
I eventually decided that I would keep my reservation and stop arguing about it. I had already explained my reasons, and repeating the same conversation was not making anyone more understanding. I told my family that I loved them, respected my sister’s decision, and wanted my brother’s engagement to be a happy occasion. I would attend the events, help where needed, and remain polite toward everyone. I would not bring up the affair, make comments about my brother-in-law, or try to persuade relatives to take my side. However, I would also not cancel my hotel booking simply to prove that I had moved on. I hoped that by remaining calm and consistent, I could show everyone that my decision was not intended as an act of hostility. I was willing to compromise on many things for the sake of family harmony, but I did not think every compromise had to involve ignoring my own discomfort. I wanted to celebrate my brother without feeling as though I was sacrificing my peace to demonstrate loyalty to the family.
When I imagined the actual engagement day, I tried to focus on what mattered most. My brother was beginning a new chapter in his life, and he deserved to enjoy that moment without worrying about whether his siblings were getting along perfectly. I wanted to congratulate him, take photographs with him, spend time with relatives, and be present for the important parts of the celebration. I did not want my relationship with my brother-in-law to overshadow any of those things. I also hoped that my sister would eventually understand that my decision was not a rejection of her. She could continue building her marriage, and I could continue maintaining a respectful but more distant relationship with her husband. Those two things did not have to be mutually exclusive. Perhaps, with time, my brother-in-law would acknowledge what happened and make a genuine effort to repair the relationship. If that happened, I would be willing to consider whether things could improve. But I did not want to force that process to happen during my brother’s engagement or make the celebration depend on an apology that might never come.
The hardest part of this situation has been feeling as though my family considers my discomfort less important than keeping everyone together under one roof. I understand that my parents want peace and that my sister wants her husband to feel accepted. I also understand that old disagreements can become exhausting when families keep revisiting them. However, I feel that everyone has focused on my reaction instead of considering why the relationship remains uncomfortable in the first place. My brother-in-law made the decision to cheat, behaved disrespectfully when confronted, and never apologized to the two people he insulted. My sister chose to forgive him, and my parents chose to accept his apology. I respect those decisions, but I do not believe they automatically determine what I must feel or how I must arrange my personal life. I am not demanding that anyone punish him or exclude him from family occasions. I am asking for the freedom to make a small decision about my own accommodation without being accused of ruining an important event. To me, that seems like a reasonable expectation, although I recognize that my family sees it differently.
Now I am left wondering whether I am being stubborn or whether my family is asking too much of me. On one hand, I know that staying at a hotel may make the distance between my brother-in-law and me more noticeable, and I do not want my sister to feel embarrassed during such an important family occasion. I also recognize that the original argument happened two years ago, and perhaps everyone is tired of the tension surrounding it. On the other hand, I am paying for my own room, attending the engagement, and making every effort to keep the celebration peaceful. I am not asking anyone to change their plans or choose sides. I simply do not want to share a house with someone who has never apologized for the way he treated me. I can be civil without pretending we are close, and I can support my sister without agreeing with every decision her husband makes. My intention has always been to celebrate my brother, not to create another family conflict. AITA for staying in a hotel instead of my parents’ house during my brother’s engagement because I did not want to stay with my BIL, even though my parents and sister believe I should have moved on by now?
