I’m 32 years old, and my boyfriend, Daniel, is 34. We’ve been together for more than three years, and from the outside, our relationship probably looks perfectly healthy. We care about each other, communicate well most of the time, enjoy spending time together, and have supported each other through difficult periods. There has never been some huge betrayal or dramatic event that made me question whether he was a good partner. The problem is that after more than three years, he still isn’t sure whether he wants a future with me. At first, I tried to understand his uncertainty because I didn’t want to pressure him. But as more time passes, I’m finding it harder to ignore how much his hesitation is hurting me.

When we first started dating, I wasn’t expecting immediate marriage or a perfectly planned future. I wanted us to grow naturally and see where the relationship went. Over time, though, my feelings became much more serious. I started thinking about marriage, living together, finances, children, and the kind of life I wanted to build with someone. I assumed that eventually we would have those conversations and come to some kind of shared understanding. Instead, whenever I bring up the future, Daniel becomes uncertain. He says he loves me and is happy with me, but he doesn’t know if he can promise that we will eventually get married or build a life together. Hearing that after three years makes me feel like I’m standing still while my life continues moving forward.

I’ve tried to be patient because I don’t want a commitment that comes from pressure. I don’t want him to propose simply because he is afraid I will leave. I want him to genuinely want the same future that I do. At the same time, I’m beginning to wonder how long I’m supposed to wait for someone to figure out whether I’m the person they want to build their life with. Every time we have a good day together, I feel hopeful again. We laugh, cook together, watch movies, and talk about random things for hours, and I think maybe I’m worrying too much. Then the subject of the future comes up, and I’m reminded that he still isn’t sure. It creates an emotional cycle where I feel secure one moment and completely uncertain the next.

The hardest part is that Daniel isn’t treating me badly. If he were cruel or dishonest, leaving would be much easier. Instead, he is affectionate, thoughtful, and often makes me feel loved. He remembers small details about my life and checks on me when I’m having a difficult day. That makes me question whether I’m asking for too much. I sometimes wonder if I should simply appreciate what we have instead of focusing so much on what might happen years from now. But I also know myself well enough to understand that I want a committed future. I don’t want to spend another three years in the same position, hoping that eventually he will become certain.

There is also a part of me that feels embarrassed admitting how much this bothers me. Three years is a long time to invest in someone, especially when you are trying to make decisions about your future. I don’t want to feel like I wasted my time, but I also don’t want to stay simply because I’ve already invested so much. Sometimes I think about where I could be a few years from now if I walked away today. I could meet someone who already knows they want marriage and a family. But then I think about losing Daniel, and suddenly the idea of starting over feels terrifying. I love him, and I don’t want to throw away something meaningful just because I’m afraid of waiting.

I’ve started realizing that the real problem may not be his uncertainty itself but the fact that our timelines may be completely different. He may genuinely need more time, while I may not be willing to spend more years waiting. Neither of us has to be wrong for that difference to matter. I can respect his uncertainty while still respecting my own need for clarity. I don’t want to force him to choose me, but I also don’t want to remain in a relationship where I constantly feel like I’m waiting to be chosen. Love should make you feel secure more often than it makes you question your place in someone’s life.

Now I’m trying to decide what to do next. Part of me wants to give Daniel more time because I still believe there is something worth saving here. Another part of me feels exhausted from trying to convince myself that uncertainty is enough. I know I cannot make him ready, and I cannot talk him into wanting a future with me. All I can control is how long I’m willing to stay in this situation. Maybe walking away wouldn’t mean that our relationship was bad or that either of us failed. Maybe it would simply mean accepting that love is not always enough when two people aren’t ready for the same future at the same time. I just wish I knew whether I should wait a little longer for the man I love to become certain, or finally choose the certainty I need for myself.

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My (32F) boyfriend (34M) is uncertain after 3+ years. Do I walk away?

TLDR: my boyfriend of 3.5 years (34m) said he feels uncertain when asked about marriage timelines and it completely devolved our relationship. Do I wait it out because I love him and our relationship, or do I move on because there are things I (32F) want in life (a family) and I deserve someone who’s sure about me!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a close to 3.5 years, living together for 2 of those. We have a lot of fun together and I love him a lot! And I know he does too. This time last year – he came to the realization that he didn’t know if he wanted to have kids. This was a big deal because I do. I had to think hard about whether I would choose the potential to have kids with someone else over the relationship I loved, ultimately deciding that I would, and he had to think hard about what he really wanted his life to look like.

Eventually, after almost a year and a lot of big conversations about our potential future he decided that he did want to have kids. It was a tough time that took a lot longer than I wished to get through, but I was proud of us and it felt worth the time and effort in the end to arrive in the same place.

However, a few months ago in a conversation about timelines and the more near term future – he expressed he was still uncertain about marriage/long term commitment. This came as a total shock to me, we have talked around the topic and I thought all the conversations we were having over the past year were about having a future together. He said he thought he was just personally deciding if he wanted to have kids…

It’s been very confusing – this revelation came right after a conversation about timelines – he’s opening a business sin the next few years, needs some time for it to become profitable, we would have a kid in ~5-6 years. I said yep that all aligns with a timeline I’m comfortable with. In conversations that have followed, he says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he can’t say he’s 100% certain we’re going to get married and have kids and that he feels like I’m pressuring him.

Now, I understand no one can ever be 100% certain about the future. And I’ve tried to walk the conversations away from marriage, because that’s not really what it’s about for me, if he was anti marriage or something that would likely be fine. But that’s not what’s going on, he feels uncertain. I don’t. We both agree there are things to work on before making those big commitments, but for me he is still “it” for me, and I think his take is more like – based on how those things go we will decide if we should be together forever. When I’ve asked what he’s uncertain about its surface level things like wanting to be cleaner or little things that annoy him. My take is that we can totally work on those things but I’m still going to be me, and he should know at this point if it’s me in the end!

This situation, I think reasonably, has made me feel really insecure in the relationship. I have a biological clock I’m incredibly aware of rn. I wrote him a whole letter expressing what I was feeling and why – stating that I didn’t feel chosen, or secure, or even desired as of late. His response was mostly frustration that he feels like he keeps telling me the same thing – “I want to be with you” so why do I keep feeling this way. Well, because he also keeps saying he’s uncertain. We’re in a tough place because he wants to feel like we can go back to “normal” for awhile so we can both feel better before revisiting the topic in some undetermined time. And I don’t feel like I can go back to normal – I tried to let it go, in the letter I asked for what I needed to feel better about the situation and feel more secure, but nothing changed – until I have more reassurance and commitment from him.

Fast forward to today – I’m staying at a friend’s apartment while they’re out of town. A few days ago recently I brought up that I was still feeling the same as I had in the letter – not secure, chosen, or desired – which was making me feel more fragile and reactive to little things and I dont like feeling that way, and I don’t know how to resolve it. His response was that he was trying his best and didn’t know what else to do “should we just call it.” My response – if your response isnt “I’m sorry, what can I/we do to make you feel more secure etc considering the circumstances,” and is essentially just giving up – yeah we should just call it.

Ooof. I really thought this was my person. There are so many things about him / our relationship I really love. Obviously I guess, I’m the one who’s sure. But it feels unfair to me, and honestly not really possible, to continue in a relationship that is making me feel so…bad. Our conversations over the last few days just remain very confusing and I think we’re just talking in circles. Both of us are sad, both of us don’t want to break up, both of us don’t know what else to do.

I feel like if I stayed in it he would get there, so part of me wants to! I’ve told him that, and so he doesn’t understand why we’d end it if I felt that way. Because I want him to be able to say “I can’t wait to build a future with you” etc etc and not make me doubt his commitment. And at the very least take accountability of what uncertainty has done here, and make an effort to resolve it. Starting over also feels daunting, and not really what I want because I want to be with him. But I don’t know how to continue it knowing what I know now. I don’t want tiny things to trigger me spirals about our relationship, I don’t want the instability that his uncertainty brings.

Wow ok this has gotten very long I think you get the gist – idk what to do. Am I being unfair and impatient? We are so closeeee to saying the same things just with slightly different orientations to it but those orientations are meaningful. Is this relationship and person I love worth being patient for him to come around, or is it fair to want him to be more sure of me and us at this point in our relationship, and enough of a red flag to walk away.

Edit to add: sorry to be super clear, the uncertainty now is not around children, we got past that, it’s around us/me/our relationship. Which is arguably worse I think.

When Love Comes With Uncertainty

I’m 32 years old, and my boyfriend, Daniel, is 34. We’ve been together for more than three years, and from the outside, our relationship probably looks perfectly healthy. We love each other, laugh together, communicate well most of the time, and have supported each other through difficult periods. There has never been some huge betrayal or dramatic event that made me question whether he was a good partner. The problem is that after more than three years together, Daniel still isn’t sure whether he wants a future with me. At first, I tried to be patient because I didn’t want to pressure him. But as time passes, his uncertainty has started to hurt me in ways I can no longer ignore.

When we first started dating, I wasn’t expecting an immediate proposal or a perfectly planned future. I wanted us to enjoy getting to know each other and see where the relationship naturally went. We were happy, and that was enough for me. As the years passed, though, my feelings became much deeper. I started thinking seriously about marriage, building a home, financial stability, and possibly having children. I assumed those conversations would eventually happen naturally because we had already been together for several years.

Daniel has never told me that he doesn’t love me. In fact, he says the opposite. He tells me that I’m important to him and that he is happy with me. He says our relationship is one of the best things in his life. But whenever I ask him whether he can see us getting married or building a long-term life together, his answer becomes uncertain. He says he doesn’t know. Sometimes he says he needs more time. Other times he says he doesn’t want to make a promise before he is completely sure.

I understand that marriage is a huge decision. I would never want someone to marry me simply because they were afraid of losing me. I want a partner who genuinely chooses me. That is why I’ve tried not to turn our conversations into ultimatums. I don’t want to say, “Marry me now or I’m leaving.” I want him to come to that decision on his own. But I’m beginning to realize that giving someone space to decide can become painful when there is no indication of when the decision will actually happen.

For a long time, I convinced myself that three years wasn’t necessarily that long. Everyone moves at a different pace. Some couples get engaged quickly, while others take many years. I told myself that comparing our relationship to other people’s relationships was unfair. Maybe Daniel simply needed more time than I did. Maybe his hesitation had nothing to do with me. Those thoughts helped me stay calm whenever the uncertainty became overwhelming.

But eventually, I started noticing how often I was thinking about it. I would wake up and wonder whether Daniel had changed his mind. I would hear friends talking about engagements or weddings and immediately think about my own relationship. I would see someone buying a house with their partner and wonder whether Daniel and I would ever reach that stage. Even when nothing was wrong between us, the question was always somewhere in the back of my mind.

That is what makes this so exhausting. Our relationship is actually good. We have fun together. We have inside jokes. We can spend an entire evening talking about nothing important and still enjoy ourselves. When I’m sick, he takes care of me. When he has a difficult day, I try to be there for him. We know each other’s habits and personalities. There are moments when I look at him and think, “This is the person I want.” Then I remember that he isn’t sure if I’m the person he wants long-term.

Sometimes I wonder whether I am asking for too much. I question whether wanting certainty after three years is unreasonable. Maybe I’m too focused on marriage. Maybe I should stop worrying about timelines and simply enjoy our relationship. I have had moments where I convinced myself that love should be enough and that everything else would eventually work itself out.

But whenever I’m completely honest with myself, I know that isn’t true. I want a committed future. I want to build a life with someone who knows that they want to build it with me. I don’t need every detail planned right now, but I do need to know that we are heading in the same direction. I don’t think that makes me demanding. It simply means I know what I want from my life.

I’ve talked to Daniel about this several times. I always try to choose a calm moment instead of bringing it up during an argument. I explain that I’m not asking him to give me a proposal tomorrow. I’m asking whether he genuinely sees marriage and a long-term future with me as something he wants. His answer is usually some version of, “I think so, but I’m not sure.”

Those words have started to hurt more than he probably realizes. “I think so” sounds hopeful for a few seconds, but “I’m not sure” is what stays with me afterward. I find myself analyzing every part of our relationship. I wonder if there is something about me that makes him hesitate. I wonder if he is waiting to meet someone else. I wonder if he thinks he could have a better relationship. Sometimes I even wonder if I am simply convenient for him because our relationship is comfortable.

Daniel has never given me a reason to believe he is cheating or secretly planning to leave. That almost makes my anxiety worse because there is no specific problem I can point to. There is simply uncertainty. I can’t fight uncertainty because it has no shape. I can’t solve it by changing one thing about myself. I can’t make him certain by becoming more loving, more patient, or more understanding.

I’ve tried giving him space. There were periods when I deliberately stopped bringing up marriage because I didn’t want him to feel pressured. I thought maybe if I backed away from the subject, he would naturally start thinking about the future himself. Instead, nothing really changed. We continued our normal routine, and the subject disappeared until I eventually became anxious enough to bring it up again.

That pattern has made me realize something uncomfortable. I am beginning to feel like the person responsible for moving our relationship forward. If I don’t bring up the future, we don’t discuss it. If I ask about our plans, we have a conversation. If I stop asking, everything returns to normal. I don’t want to be the only person thinking about what comes next.

I also don’t want to reach a point where Daniel finally agrees to a future because he senses that I’m running out of patience. I want his decision to come from genuine desire, not fear. If he eventually says yes because he is afraid I will leave, I will always wonder whether he really wanted the life we built together.

That is why I’m starting to understand that this may not actually be about convincing Daniel. It may be about deciding what I am willing to accept. I cannot control how quickly he becomes certain. I cannot force him to want marriage. I cannot make him see our future the way I do. The only thing I can control is whether I remain in a relationship where I don’t know what the future looks like.

The thought of leaving scares me more than I want to admit. Daniel is not just my boyfriend. He is my best friend in many ways. He knows my stories, my fears, my habits, and the little things that make me happy. We have built a life together over the last three years, and walking away would mean losing a huge part of my daily life.

There is also the fear of starting over at 32. I know that isn’t old, but when you have spent years imagining a future with someone, starting over can feel overwhelming. I would have to meet new people, build trust again, and explain my past. I would have to accept that the person I thought might be my life partner wasn’t actually certain about choosing me.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking that maybe staying is safer. At least I know Daniel. At least I know he loves me. At least our relationship is stable. But then I ask myself whether safety is enough if I am constantly anxious about where the relationship is going. I don’t want to spend the next five years telling myself to be patient.

Another fear is that I might leave and regret it. What if Daniel eventually becomes certain after I’m gone? What if he needed more time and I wasn’t willing to give it? What if I meet someone else and discover that the connection isn’t as good? These questions make walking away feel like a gamble. But staying is also a gamble because I don’t know whether his uncertainty will ever disappear.

I’ve started thinking about what I would tell my best friend if she were in my position. I would probably tell her that she deserves honesty and that she shouldn’t spend years waiting for someone to decide whether they want the same future. I would tell her that she doesn’t need to hate her partner to leave him. I would remind her that someone can be a wonderful person and still not be ready or willing to give her what she wants.

It is much harder to give myself that same advice. When it is your own relationship, emotions make everything complicated. I keep remembering the good moments. I remember our first date, our vacations, the nights we stayed up talking, and all the ordinary days that became special simply because we were together. Those memories make me want to protect what we have.

But I’m also beginning to realize that memories cannot make a future. They can remind me why I love him, but they cannot answer whether he wants to build a life with me. I need to look at the relationship as it exists today rather than only at the relationship I hope it becomes.

I have considered asking Daniel for a specific timeline, but even that feels complicated. I don’t want to give him a deadline for deciding whether he loves me. At the same time, I can’t keep living without knowing whether our goals are compatible. Maybe the healthiest approach is not to demand a proposal by a certain date, but to have an honest conversation about what each of us actually wants and whether those visions can realistically fit together.

I also need to be honest about my own timeline. I want marriage, and I may want children. Those are not casual preferences for me. They are important life goals. If Daniel ultimately decides he doesn’t want those things, I cannot compromise myself forever just to keep the relationship. I would rather face a painful truth now than discover years later that I gave up something deeply important because I was afraid to leave.

At the same time, I don’t want to make Daniel responsible for my fears. He deserves the freedom to be honest, even if his honesty hurts me. If he truly doesn’t know whether he wants a future with me, I would rather hear that truth than receive a commitment he doesn’t mean. The painful answer may still be better than living inside a false sense of security.

What I’m struggling with most is that I don’t know whether his uncertainty is temporary or whether it is his answer. Maybe he genuinely needs more time. Maybe there is something holding him back that he hasn’t figured out himself. Or maybe after three years, the fact that he still feels uncertain is meaningful in itself. I wish there were a clear way to know the difference.

For now, I’m trying to stop asking myself, “How do I make him choose me?” and start asking, “What do I need in order to feel chosen?” That question feels different. It reminds me that my life cannot be completely dependent on another person’s decision. I can love Daniel deeply and still recognize that I need clarity.

I don’t know yet whether I will walk away. I still hope we can have an honest conversation that changes something. I still hope he can tell me that he has thought seriously about our future and genuinely wants the same things I do. But I also know I cannot wait forever. I don’t want to wake up years from now feeling like I spent my best years waiting for someone to become certain about me.

Maybe the hardest lesson is that a relationship doesn’t have to be bad for you to leave it. Sometimes there is love, kindness, laughter, and genuine connection, but the future remains uncertain. I don’t want to punish Daniel for being unsure, and I don’t want to punish myself for needing certainty. I just want to make a decision that respects both of us. If he can eventually choose this future with me wholeheartedly, I want to know. And if he can’t, as painful as it would be, I may have to choose myself and walk away.