My Biggest Relationship Regret Is Destroying My Peace

I never thought one night could change the way I looked at the person I loved most. My boyfriend, Ryan, and I had been together for four years, and for most of that time, I believed we were solid. We had talked about marriage, where we wanted to live, and what our future might look like. My best friend, Chloe, had also been part of my life for years, and I trusted her completely. One night, we were all drinking heavily at my apartment, laughing and talking about relationships and things we normally wouldn’t discuss. Somehow, the conversation became more intimate, and I was the one who suggested that the three of us do something we had never done before. At first, I thought I was comfortable with it. I believed I was making a spontaneous decision and that everyone understood it was only a one-time experience. But as things progressed, I started feeling uncomfortable. I stopped things more than once, then changed my mind and allowed them to continue because I felt guilty about ruining the experience for Ryan and Chloe. Ryan actually noticed that I wasn’t comfortable and tried to slow things down. I was far too drunk to understand what I was feeling clearly. Eventually, I became so intoxicated that I told them to continue without me. Looking back, that is the part I struggle with the most. I remember enough to know what happened, but not enough to feel like I was emotionally present for all of it. When I finally realized how upset I was, I told them to stop, and they stopped immediately. The next morning, however, I woke up with a feeling of regret that I couldn’t explain away.

At first, I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t a big deal because I had been the one who suggested it. Ryan never pressured me, and when he realized I was uncomfortable, he tried to stop. Chloe also told me afterward that she thought I wanted everything to happen because I kept changing my mind. I knew they weren’t describing some secret affair or betrayal that had been happening behind my back. There was no evidence that Ryan had secretly wanted Chloe or that Chloe had been waiting for an opportunity to get close to him. Yet none of that changed how I felt. Every time I imagined Ryan kissing her or touching her, something inside me tightened. I knew I couldn’t blame him entirely because I had invited Chloe into our relationship that night. I also couldn’t honestly blame Chloe because she had followed the situation as I presented it. The person I was angriest with was myself. I kept thinking about how different things might have been if I had simply said no from the beginning. I wished I could go back to that night and tell myself that I didn’t have to continue just because I had started something. But there was no way to undo it. Ryan repeatedly told me that he loved me, that he hadn’t been looking for anything outside our relationship, and that he regretted seeing me hurt afterward. I believed him when he said those things, but believing him didn’t make the images in my head disappear.

For a couple of weeks, I thought I was finally getting better. Ryan and I avoided talking about the night unless it was absolutely necessary. We spent more time together doing normal things, and slowly I began to feel like myself again. I started believing that maybe this would eventually become an unpleasant memory instead of something that controlled my emotions. Then one evening, everything came rushing back. Ryan and I were having a completely normal conversation when the topic somehow turned sexual. Chloe’s name came up casually, and I immediately felt my stomach drop. It wasn’t even something inappropriate that Ryan said. He didn’t compare us, flirt with her, or suggest doing anything again. Her name simply appeared in the conversation, and suddenly I was back in that night. I could picture everything I had been trying not to think about. I became quiet, then emotional, and eventually started crying. Ryan looked confused at first, then realized exactly what had happened. He apologized and tried to reassure me, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I hated that a simple mention of my best friend’s name could completely ruin my mood. I hated feeling jealous when I had been the person who originally suggested including her. Most of all, I hated feeling like I had somehow damaged something beautiful between Ryan and me that could never be repaired. I began wondering whether I was actually capable of moving past this or whether I was only pretending to be okay because I didn’t want to lose him.

The hardest part is that I don’t want to lose either of them, but I also don’t know how to feel normal around Chloe anymore. Before that night, she was the person I called when something exciting happened, when I had a bad day, or when I needed someone who understood me without explanations. Now, even seeing her sometimes reminds me of something I wish had never happened. I have avoided certain conversations with her because I’m afraid that hearing details I don’t need to know will make everything worse. Ryan has been patient with me, and I appreciate that more than I can explain. He has never told me that I should “get over it” or reminded me that I was the one who initiated everything. Instead, he has told me that my feelings are real even if the situation was complicated. But I also know that patience doesn’t automatically erase resentment. There are moments when I look at him and feel completely safe, followed by moments when a random thought enters my mind and I suddenly feel sick. It scares me because I don’t know which version of my feelings is going to win. I still love him. I still want the future we talked about. But I can’t pretend that the relationship feels exactly the same as it did before that night.

Now I’m trying to understand what moving forward actually means. I don’t think moving forward means forgetting what happened or pretending it didn’t hurt me. Maybe it means accepting that I made a decision I regret without allowing that decision to define the rest of my life. Maybe it means rebuilding trust in myself as much as rebuilding trust in my relationship. I’ve started thinking about setting clearer boundaries with Chloe and being honest with Ryan whenever something triggers me instead of silently carrying it until I explode. I also realize that I may need professional help to understand why the memories affect me so strongly, especially because I was extremely intoxicated and repeatedly felt uncomfortable during the experience. I don’t know yet whether this will eventually become something Ryan and I can leave in the past or whether it will always be a permanent scar on our relationship. What I do know is that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life punishing myself for one terrible decision. I love Ryan, but I also need to learn how to forgive myself. Maybe the real question isn’t whether I can erase that night from my memory. Maybe it’s whether I can accept that it happened, learn from it, and still believe that my relationship deserves a future.

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I 24F regret a threesome with my bf 25M and bff 24F and can’t get past it — how do I move forward?

TL;DR: I (24F) had a threesome with my boyfriend of 4 years (25M) and my best friend (24F) while extremely drunk. I initiated it, but I kept getting uncomfortable and stopping things, then restarting because I was too drunk and felt guilty about ruining the experience for everyone. My boyfriend also tried to stop it when he noticed I was uncomfortable.

Toward the end I was completely out of it, told them to go ahead without me, and eventually even told them to attempt to have sex. They tried for about a minute but my boyfriend was too soft for it to really work. I then got upset, got up, told them to stop, and they stopped immediately.

I don’t think my boyfriend secretly wanted her or intentionally betrayed me, and their stories about what happened seem consistent. My issue now is that I cannot emotionally get past the fact that they did anything sexual together at all.

I know I was involved and I regret the decision, but thinking about my boyfriend kissing/touching/being sexual with my best friend makes me feel sick. I was starting to feel better after a couple weeks,

but a sexual conversation where her name came up triggered everything again and now I feel like I’m back at square one. I still love my boyfriend and want to be with him, but I’m struggling with whether this is something I can actually move past.

How do I get over this, and how do I know whether to keep working through it or accept that this changed my relationship permanently?

I originally posted about this a couple weeks ago, but I’ve had a lot of time to think about it since then and I think I understand my feelings better now. I’m looking for advice on how to actually move forward from this,

because I’m really struggling.

A few weeks ago, I (24F) had a threesome with my boyfriend (25M) of 4 years and my best friend (24F), who we’ve both known since we were kids.

I was extremely drunk that night and was much more out of it than I realized. I was the one who originally pushed for the threesome and initiated it that night, so I know this wasn’t something that was forced on me or something my boyfriend randomly suggested.

However, during the actual threesome,

I kept getting uncomfortable.

I probably stopped things around 7-10 times. Every time I stopped, they stopped. But then I would restart things myself.
Looking back, I think I was restarting because I was too drunk and uncomfortable with being the person who kept stopping everything. I felt guilty and didn’t want everyone to have a bad experience because of me, so I would convince myself to continue. It wasn’t really that I would suddenly become genuinely comfortable again.

If I had been sober, I think I would’ve recognized that I was uncomfortable and just ended the whole thing.
My boyfriend actually tried to stop things twice because he could tell I was uncomfortable, but because I kept restarting, he thought I ultimately wanted to continue.

Toward the very end, I was basically completely out of it. I stopped participating and told them to go ahead without me. I don’t even understand why I said that now because sober me absolutely did not want to watch my boyfriend and my best friend be sexual with each other.

At the very end, I was so drunk that I told them to attempt to have sex. They did, but my boyfriend was too soft for it to really work, and it was probably around a minute of them attempting.

I was just sitting there completely out of it. Then I suddenly got really upset, got up, and told them to stop. As soon as they realized I was up and wanted them to stop, they stopped immediately.

The thing I’ve realized since my original post is that I’m not really struggling with whether my boyfriend secretly wanted her or whether they had some hidden connection.

I’ve talked to both of them separately about what happened, and their stories line up. My boyfriend has also been very reassuring about everything. I don’t think there was some secret affair or that either of them had feelings for each other.

My problem is much simpler and, honestly, harder for me to explain:

I cannot emotionally get past the fact that they did anything sexual together.
I know I was there. I know I participated. I know I initiated it. I know I restarted things multiple times. I know I literally told them to go ahead at the end.

I’m not trying to erase any of that.

But now that I’m sober and looking at the situation completely differently, the thought of my boyfriend kissing, touching, and being sexual with my best friend makes me feel horrible. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that they were physically intimate with each other and that they presumably enjoyed it in the moment.

And because I don’t remember a lot of the night, there’s also this uncomfortable feeling of not knowing exactly what happened between them when I wasn’t paying attention. I’ve talked through what I remember and what they remember, and I don’t think they’re hiding something from me, but I still hate having that gap in my memory.

For about two weeks, I actually started doing better. I was thinking about it less and felt like I was slowly accepting that this was a really stupid, drunken decision that I deeply regret.

Then I had a really bad setback.
My boyfriend and I were having a sexual/jealousy conversation where I asked him to say other women’s names, and my best friend’s name came up. Hearing him say her name in that context immediately brought everything back. He also found the Reddit post I had made about the situation, which made me feel exposed and brought a lot of the emotions back up.

Now I feel like I’m back at square one.

I still love my boyfriend. I still want to be with him. I don’t believe he intentionally betrayed me, and I’m not sitting here thinking he secretly wanted my best friend.

I just don’t know how to make peace with the fact that this happened.

At the same time, I don’t want to spend years in a relationship where this one night is always sitting in the back of my mind.
So I’m trying to figure out what I’m actually supposed to do from here.

For people who have experienced something similar, how did you actually get past it?

Did the disgust/jealousy/mental images eventually fade with time, or did you eventually realize that you couldn’t accept what happened?
And how do you know whether something is something you should work through versus something that fundamentally changed your relationship for you?
I’m not looking for people to tell me whether I was right or wrong for agre

eing to the threesome. I already know I made a decision that I deeply regret. I’m trying to figure out how to live with the consequences of that decision and whether my relationship can recover from it.

Any genuine advice on how to move forward would be appreciated.

A Relationship Built on Trust

I never thought one night could completely change the way I looked at the two people I trusted most. My boyfriend, Ryan, and I had been together for four years, and I honestly believed we knew each other better than anyone else did. We had survived arguments, stressful jobs, family problems, and countless ordinary days together. We had talked about marriage and what our future might look like. My best friend, Chloe, had also been part of my life for years. She knew almost everything about me, including the things I didn’t usually tell other people. Before that night, I never had a reason to question either of them.

The night everything changed started innocently enough. Ryan, Chloe, and I were at my apartment drinking and talking. We had all been drinking for several hours, and by that point, none of us were thinking as clearly as we normally would. Someone started making jokes about relationships, and the conversation slowly became more personal. I remember laughing and feeling unusually confident. Then I said something that I never imagined would become the biggest regret of my life.

I suggested that the three of us should have a sexual experience together. I was the one who brought up the idea, and because I was drunk, I convinced myself that I was comfortable with it. Ryan looked surprised, while Chloe laughed nervously. Nobody pressured me into making the suggestion. If anything, they seemed unsure about whether I was serious.

But I was serious enough at that moment to keep pushing the idea. I told them it was only one night and that it didn’t have to mean anything. I remember believing that because I trusted both of them, nothing could possibly go wrong. Looking back now, I realize how badly I misunderstood my own emotional limits.

Things started, and almost immediately, I became uncomfortable. I stopped what was happening and told them I wasn’t sure. Ryan noticed the change in my mood and asked if I wanted to stop completely. I should have listened to that feeling and ended the night right there.

Instead, I felt guilty. I had suggested everything, so I convinced myself that stopping would make me look selfish. I kept thinking about how excited everyone had seemed and didn’t want to be responsible for ruining the experience. So I changed my mind and allowed things to continue.

That pattern happened more than once. I would become uncomfortable, stop things, then convince myself I was being unreasonable and restart them. The alcohol made it even harder to understand what I actually wanted. I wasn’t making decisions with the same clarity I would have had sober.

Ryan eventually became concerned because he could see that I wasn’t acting like myself. He tried to slow everything down and asked me several times if I was okay. At the time, I couldn’t even explain what I was feeling. Part of me wanted to continue, while another part desperately wanted everything to stop.

Toward the end of the night, I was extremely intoxicated. My memory became blurry, and I wasn’t emotionally present in the way I should have been for something so serious. I told Ryan and Chloe that they could continue without me. I even told them they could try to have sex.

They apparently tried for a short time, but Ryan was too intoxicated and couldn’t really continue. That detail later became something I couldn’t stop thinking about. I knew it shouldn’t matter, but my mind kept replaying the fact that they had tried.

Eventually, I became upset. I got up and told them to stop. They stopped immediately. There was no argument, no pressure, and no attempt to continue after I said no. The night ended, but emotionally, I felt like something had been broken.

The next morning was horrible. I woke up with a headache and fragments of memories from the night before. Ryan was beside me, and Chloe was gone. I looked at Ryan and suddenly felt a wave of panic. I knew what we had done, and I immediately regretted it.

Ryan tried to talk to me calmly. He told me he was sorry that I was hurting and reminded me that he had tried to stop when he noticed I was uncomfortable. I knew he was telling the truth. I also knew I had initiated the entire situation.

That made my feelings even more complicated. If Ryan had secretly cheated on me, I could have been angry with him. If Chloe had manipulated me, I could have blamed her. But the truth was much messier. I had opened the door to something I wasn’t emotionally prepared to experience.

For the first few days, I kept telling myself that I simply needed time. I thought the embarrassment and jealousy would eventually disappear. Ryan and I agreed not to discuss unnecessary details because we didn’t want to make things worse.

For a while, that seemed to work. We went back to our normal routine. We watched movies together, cooked dinner, went grocery shopping, and talked about ordinary things. There were moments when I almost forgot about the night.

Then something small would trigger me.

The first time it happened, Ryan casually mentioned Chloe during a conversation. It wasn’t even a sexual conversation. He was simply talking about something she had said in a group chat. I immediately felt my chest tighten.

I tried to ignore it, but the image appeared in my mind anyway. I imagined Ryan touching her, kissing her, and being intimate with someone I had always considered like a sister. I knew those images were only making me suffer, but I couldn’t stop them.

I started becoming afraid of ordinary situations. If Ryan’s phone lit up with Chloe’s name, I noticed. If Chloe entered the room, I became uncomfortable. If Ryan laughed at one of her jokes, I wondered whether their interaction felt different now.

I hated myself for thinking this way because I didn’t actually believe Ryan wanted a relationship with her. Nothing about his behavior suggested that he had been secretly interested in Chloe. In fact, he seemed almost as uncomfortable discussing the night as I was.

Chloe also told me that she never expected things to become emotionally complicated. She said she had followed my lead because I was the person who suggested it. She didn’t understand how deeply I would regret it afterward.

I believed both of them. That’s what made everything so difficult. I wasn’t dealing with a traditional betrayal. I was dealing with the consequences of a decision I had willingly made while intoxicated.

For several weeks, I tried to forgive myself. I reminded myself that people make mistakes. I reminded myself that one night shouldn’t define four years of love. I told myself that if Ryan and I still loved each other, we could eventually move forward.

Then one evening, everything came crashing back.

Ryan and I were sitting together talking when the conversation unexpectedly became sexual. Chloe’s name came up in a completely unrelated way. The moment I heard it, I felt like someone had pulled the floor out from under me.

I couldn’t breathe normally. My stomach turned, and I suddenly wanted to leave the room. Ryan immediately noticed my reaction and stopped talking. He asked me what was wrong, but I couldn’t answer without crying.

That night made me realize that I hadn’t actually moved on. I had simply been avoiding the subject.

I told Ryan that I was scared this would never go away. I told him that I still loved him but hated the memories attached to what had happened. I expected him to become frustrated with me, but instead he held my hand and told me he didn’t want one terrible night to destroy everything we’d built together.

That conversation helped me more than I expected. Ryan admitted that he also wished the night had never happened. He said he didn’t feel closer to Chloe because of it and had no desire to repeat anything like it.

Still, reassurance couldn’t completely remove the images from my mind. I began to understand that healing wasn’t going to happen simply because Ryan apologized or promised me nothing would happen again.

I needed to deal with my own guilt too. I had been blaming myself constantly for suggesting the experience. I kept thinking that I had no right to feel hurt because I had technically agreed to everything.

But emotions don’t always follow logic. I could acknowledge my responsibility for the decision and still admit that I was deeply affected by what happened.

I also started thinking about my friendship with Chloe. Before that night, she was one of the most important people in my life. Afterward, I couldn’t look at her the same way. It wasn’t because I believed she had betrayed me. It was because my mind now connected her with a memory I desperately wanted to forget.

I decided to create some distance between us without turning her into an enemy. I stopped having certain conversations with her and avoided situations where alcohol might become involved. I needed space to understand what I was feeling without constantly being reminded of that night.

I’m still not sure what the future holds for my relationship with Ryan. Some days I feel hopeful. Other days, a random memory can bring back the same wave of jealousy and regret. I have learned that moving forward doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting what happened. It may simply mean learning how to remember it without allowing it to control my life.

I still love Ryan. I still believe he loves me. I also know that trust isn’t only about believing your partner won’t betray you. Sometimes it’s about trusting yourself to set boundaries and respect your own feelings. That is something I failed to do that night.

Maybe this relationship will eventually feel completely normal again. Maybe it will always carry a scar from what happened. I don’t know yet. But I’m trying to stop punishing myself every day for one terrible decision. I can’t change that night, and I can’t erase the memories. What I can do is learn from it, communicate honestly, set boundaries, and decide whether Ryan and I can build something stronger from the damage. For now, that’s all I can ask of myself.