For years, I thought my marriage was strong enough to survive anything. I was 29, my wife was 28, and we had built a life together that I once believed would last forever. I loved my wife, but somewhere along the way, I became careless with her feelings and started taking her love and presence for granted.

The biggest mistake I made was becoming emotionally interested in another woman. She was a former coworker, and what started as harmless thoughts slowly became something much more serious in my mind. I began imagining what life might be like with her, even while lying beside my wife. At the time, I didn’t understand how deeply those thoughts were damaging my marriage.

Eventually, my wife noticed that something had changed. I wasn’t giving her the same attention, affection, or appreciation anymore. Instead of recognizing that I was hurting the person who had stood beside me through everything, I became distant and continued thinking about someone who wasn’t even part of my life anymore.

The situation reached a point where my wife completely withdrew from me. She stopped looking for my attention and stopped trying to connect with me. At first, I didn’t understand how painful that would be. Then one morning, I woke up and realized she wasn’t acknowledging my existence anymore, and the feeling was unbearable.

That was when reality finally hit me. I had spent so much time thinking about another woman that I had failed to appreciate the woman sleeping beside me every night. I had taken my marriage, my home, and my wife’s love for granted. Now I was terrified that I had destroyed something I could never replace.

I knew saying “I’m sorry” wouldn’t be enough. My wife had been hurt by more than one mistake. She had been hurt by the way I had made her feel unwanted and unimportant. So I decided that if there was even the smallest chance of saving our marriage, I would have to prove through my actions that I was serious about changing.

The first major step was finding another job because my former coworker was still part of the environment that had contributed to the problem. It took me about a month, but I eventually found a similar position at another company. I also started taking responsibility for every household chore instead of expecting my wife to handle everything.

She noticed the changes, but she didn’t suddenly forgive me. She would sometimes look at me with a kind of anger and then continue with her day. I tried giving her flowers, but she left them untouched until they eventually died. That hurt, but I understood that she wasn’t ready to accept gestures from me simply because I wanted forgiveness.

So I started focusing on words and honesty instead. I wrote letters to her explaining how deeply I regretted my actions and how much I had failed to appreciate her. I didn’t demand forgiveness or expect her to respond. I simply wanted her to know that I finally understood what I had almost lost.

I don’t know yet whether I can completely repair the damage I’ve caused. My wife still keeps her distance, and I know rebuilding trust won’t happen overnight. But for the first time, I’m not trying to convince her to forgive me quickly. I’m trying to become the husband she deserved all along. I took her love for granted until I almost lost it, and now I’m willing to do whatever it takes to show her that I finally understand her value.

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(Update) I(29M) broke my wife(28F)’s heart please help me save my marriage.

I had forgotten about this post and I am back to update so maybe seeing my stupidity could prevent someone else from making the same mistakes. I cringe when I read today what I wrote months ago and it seems ridiculous to me that I could have felt this way about another woman. I wrote that I would imagine my former coworker while lying in bed but in the end when my wife stopped acknowledging my existence waking up without seeing her face was just absolute torture. I really took all I had for granted until I almost lost it

So I took some of the advices and decided to court my wife again the hardest I could. Of course the first step was looking for another job, and it took me a month but I managed to find a similar position in another entreprise. I did what was suggested of taking over every chore and she stopped ignoring me but would simply stare at me with some kind of hostility and go on with her life. I tried flowers but she would leave them to die.

My wife dominant love language is physical but I wouldn’t dare try touching her so I went for telling her. I somehow realized it was really the content of what I wrote about the other woman which obviously when you are deep in a crush is amplified, that really hurt her.

I tried engaging her in conversations so we could talk about what was happening to us but more importantly what I did to her but she remained closed off. And so I started writing her letters and would leave them under her pillow.

At first I apologized for everything, for writing the post, for not putting an end to the crush faster, for making her feel like another woman could hold a higher place of importance to me and for not taking the initiative to change jobs earlier. For making her life hard by creating this situation which ended in her sleeping in the guest room of her own house, for making her cry and causing stress to her.

Then I wrote her love letters telling her how much I loved her, how the crush couldn’t compare to the deep love I have for her. I was chewed for saying I loved her because of our history in my last post but I was misunderstood. I meant that the love I have for her has gotten stronger with time. 5 years ago I loved her, but wouldn’t have given her one of my organs if she needed for example while now I would without hesitation.

Our history is what caused the attachement to grow stronger therefore no random crush could override that. I was awed in front of my crush and wrote sappy things about her but in the end I do not know this woman on a personal level while I have seen the worst of my wife and the love remains.

I told her how beautiful she was and how impressed and proud I was with her development as a person since we have met, how grateful I was for her presence in my life and every single thing I was thankful for that she did and enhanced my life, how much I needed her and missed hearing her tell me how her day went, laugh at my bad jokes and basically just missed hearing the sound of her voice. This is a small sample but it must have taken a good 3 weeks of daily letters until she answered me back.

She answered with a letter of her own telling me how much I have hurt her with my crush, how I made her feel invisible next to that woman, how I never told her such loving words (until the letters) how much she hated me but also how she loved me and missed me too. Her letter allowed me to feel her vulnerability. After reading it I cried and went to see her, we locked eyes,she cried and we held each other for a long time. She started talking to me again then and softened. Honestly the possibility of the marriage ending just like that scared the both us.

As of today we are, to my surprise, mostly back to normal and actually I feel closer to her. We continue with the letters which have helped increasing our emotional intimacy. I make an effort to tell and show her my love. I am very grateful that she has given me a second chance and even more so that she has decided to put the crush behind us.

We had maybe 2 fights since but she hasn’t brought it up and doesn’t punish me. It really wasn’t the crush on itself but how I went about it and the lack of affection from my part in comparison. Maybe I am being optimistic here but I truly think we are going to get through this.

We will be going to couple counselling after our vacation just to make sure things are really settled between us.

tl;dr: I managed to get my wife back after working on the way I conveyed love to her and we are doing alright.

I Thought My Marriage Was Unbreakable—Until My Own Mistakes Started Destroying It

For years, I believed my marriage was strong enough to survive anything. I was 29, my wife was 28, and we had built a life together that I once thought would last forever. Looking back now, I realize that I was much more careless with our marriage than I ever admitted to myself.

My wife had always been there for me. She supported me when work was difficult, listened when I was frustrated, and celebrated even the small things that mattered to me. She wasn’t just my wife; she was my closest friend.

But somewhere along the way, I stopped appreciating all of that.

I became comfortable. Too comfortable.

I started assuming that because we loved each other, she would always be there no matter how distant or careless I became. I didn’t realize how dangerous that mindset was until I saw the pain in her face.

The biggest mistake I made was becoming emotionally interested in another woman.

She was a former coworker, and at first, I convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with the thoughts I was having. I told myself that thinking someone else was attractive wasn’t the same as cheating.

But it wasn’t just attraction.

I started thinking about her more often.

I would remember conversations we’d had at work and replay them in my mind. I imagined what it would be like to spend time with her outside of work. Eventually, those thoughts followed me home.

The worst part was that I sometimes imagined her while lying in bed next to my wife.

At the time, I didn’t fully understand how disrespectful that was to the woman who had trusted me with her heart.

My wife began noticing that something had changed.

I wasn’t as affectionate as before. I wasn’t as interested in talking to her. Sometimes she would tell me about her day, and I would listen without really being present.

She could feel that my attention was somewhere else.

Instead of admitting that something was wrong, I tried to convince myself that it would eventually pass.

I thought the feelings were temporary.

I thought I could simply forget about the other woman and everything would return to normal.

But emotional distance doesn’t disappear just because you refuse to acknowledge it.

My wife became quieter.

She stopped asking me as many questions. She stopped trying to get my attention. She stopped expecting me to notice the little things she did for me.

At first, I didn’t realize how serious it had become.

I was so focused on my own thoughts that I didn’t see what my behavior was doing to her.

Then one day, everything changed.

My wife stopped acknowledging my existence.

She wasn’t screaming at me. She wasn’t constantly arguing. In some ways, that silence was worse.

She would walk past me without saying anything.

She would wake up, get ready, and continue with her day as if I wasn’t there.

That was when I finally understood how badly I had hurt her.

I remembered all the times I had taken her presence for granted.

I remembered the mornings when she would smile at me, the evenings when she wanted to talk, and all the little things she did that I barely noticed.

Suddenly, waking up without seeing her face felt like torture.

I had spent so much time imagining someone else while ignoring the woman I had promised to love.

And I hated myself for it.

I realized that I had almost lost the most important person in my life because I was too foolish to appreciate what I already had.

I knew that simply saying “I’m sorry” wouldn’t fix anything.

My wife had every reason to doubt me.

She couldn’t just forget what happened because I suddenly regretted it.

Trust doesn’t disappear in one moment and return in another.

I decided that if I wanted even the smallest chance of saving my marriage, I had to change my behavior rather than simply make promises.

The first thing I did was look for another job.

My former coworker was part of the environment where these feelings had started, and I knew that creating distance was necessary.

It took about a month, but eventually I found a similar position at another company.

It wasn’t easy to leave a job, especially when I wasn’t sure whether my marriage could even be saved.

But I knew that my priorities had changed.

My marriage mattered more.

After that, I started taking over the household chores.

I cleaned the house, handled errands, cooked when necessary, and tried to take responsibilities off my wife’s shoulders.

She noticed.

But she didn’t suddenly become affectionate again.

Sometimes she would simply stare at me with an expression that was difficult to read.

There was hurt in her eyes.

There was anger too.

I understood that doing chores wasn’t going to erase everything I had done.

I also tried giving her flowers.

I thought maybe a small romantic gesture would show her that I cared.

But she left them sitting there until they eventually died.

That hurt more than I expected.

Still, I couldn’t blame her.

She wasn’t rejecting flowers.

She was rejecting the idea that a few flowers could repair months of emotional damage.

My wife’s main love language has always been physical affection.

Normally, I would have hugged her or held her hand.

But I didn’t dare touch her without knowing whether she wanted me to.

I didn’t want to cross another boundary.

So I started using words instead.

I began telling her that I loved her.

I told her I was sorry.

But eventually, I realized that even my apologies weren’t enough if they were only about making myself feel better.

I needed to acknowledge exactly what I had done to her.

I had made her feel like she wasn’t enough.

I had allowed myself to become emotionally distracted by another woman.

I had taken my wife’s love for granted.

And I had made the person who loved me most feel replaceable.

That realization was painful.

I started writing her letters.

I would sit alone and write down everything I was too afraid or ashamed to say face-to-face.

Then I would leave the letters under her pillow.

I didn’t expect an immediate response.

Sometimes she read them.

Sometimes I wasn’t even sure whether she had.

But I continued because writing gave me a way to take responsibility without demanding anything from her.

I wanted her to understand that I finally saw the damage I had caused.

I also started thinking about what my wife had given me over the years.

I remembered the times she had stayed beside me when I was struggling.

I remembered how she supported my career.

I remembered the ordinary evenings we spent together that I once considered boring but would now give anything to experience again.

That’s when I realized something painful.

I had been searching for excitement somewhere else while ignoring the beautiful life I already had.

The other woman had represented a fantasy.

My wife represented reality.

And I had nearly destroyed reality for a fantasy that wasn’t even real.

I don’t know whether my wife will ever completely forgive me.

Some days, she still seems distant.

Some days, I can tell she is still carrying the pain of what happened.

I know I can’t force her to heal according to my timeline.

If she needs time, I have to give her time.

If she needs space, I have to respect that space.

My job now isn’t to pressure her into forgiving me.

My job is to become someone worthy of her trust again.

I’ve learned that love isn’t just about feelings.

It’s about choices.

Every day, I have to choose my wife.

I have to choose honesty, loyalty, patience, and respect.

I have to prove through my actions that I understand what I almost lost.

Looking back at the person I was months ago makes me cringe.

I can’t believe I allowed myself to think about another woman while lying beside my wife.

I can’t believe I treated my marriage like something that would always be waiting for me.

Most importantly, I can’t believe I didn’t understand my wife’s value until she stopped giving me the love I had always expected from her.

I used to think losing someone meant watching them physically walk away.

Now I understand that sometimes you lose someone while they’re still standing right beside you.

My wife was still there, but emotionally she had already begun walking away.

And that scared me more than anything.

I don’t know how our story will end.

Maybe she will eventually forgive me.

Maybe she won’t.

I have no right to demand either outcome.

All I can do is keep showing her that I understand my mistakes and that I’m committed to changing.

I took everything I had for granted until I almost lost it.

Now I understand that a marriage isn’t something you can simply assume will survive because two people once loved each other.

It requires effort.

It requires honesty.

It requires choosing the same person again and again, especially when things become difficult.

I hurt my wife deeply.

And if she gives me another chance, I will spend the rest of my life making sure she never has to wonder whether I appreciate her again.