I never expected to find myself in this situation with my ex. We broke up some time ago, and although the relationship ended, I always wondered whether there were still feelings between us. Recently, my ex started reaching out again, and our conversations quickly became more emotional than I expected. He told me that he still loved me and sometimes wished we had never broken up. Hearing those words brought back feelings I thought I had already moved past. The problem is that he currently has a girlfriend, and despite telling me how strongly he feels about me, he hasn’t actually made any move to leave her.

At first, I tried to keep some distance because I didn’t want to become involved in someone else’s relationship. I told him that if he was unhappy with his girlfriend, he needed to make his own decision rather than keeping both of us emotionally involved. He insisted that his relationship wasn’t what he wanted anymore and that his feelings for me were different. He talked about memories from our relationship and told me that he often compared his current relationship to what we had. Naturally, hearing all of that made me wonder whether there was still a possibility for us. But every time I asked what he planned to do about his current girlfriend, he became vague.

He kept saying that he needed time to figure things out. Sometimes he claimed that leaving his girlfriend would hurt her too much. Other times he talked about how complicated their situation was because they shared friends, routines, and responsibilities. I understood that ending a relationship isn’t always simple, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that he was choosing to stay. He was telling me that he loved me while continuing to live his life with someone else. That contradiction started making me feel like I was being kept as an emotional backup rather than treated as someone he genuinely wanted to be with.

The situation became even more confusing because he would contact me whenever he was feeling lonely or unhappy. We’d have long conversations about our past, and he would tell me things like he missed the person he was when we were together. Sometimes he sounded completely convinced that we belonged together. Then, after those emotional conversations, he would go back to his normal life with his girlfriend. I started realizing that I was allowing his words to affect me even though his actions weren’t changing. Every conversation gave me hope, only for that hope to disappear when nothing actually happened.

Eventually, I asked him directly what he wanted. I told him that I couldn’t continue having conversations about our possible future while he remained in another relationship. If he truly wanted to be with me, he needed to make a clear decision. I wasn’t asking him to choose me immediately or make a dramatic declaration. I simply wanted honesty. If he wanted to stay with his girlfriend, I would accept that, but then he needed to stop telling me that he loved me and wanted us back together. I couldn’t keep participating in a situation where his words kept pulling me closer while his actions kept me at a distance.

His response wasn’t what I hoped for. He said he cared about me deeply but wasn’t ready to leave his girlfriend. He claimed that he didn’t know what the future would look like and didn’t want to make a decision he might regret. Hearing that was painful because it finally made something clear: whatever feelings he had for me, he wasn’t choosing a relationship with me. I realized that I had been focusing too much on what he said and not enough on what he was actually doing. Love isn’t only about emotions. It also involves decisions, honesty, and taking responsibility for how your choices affect other people.

I also started thinking about his girlfriend. Whether she knows about our conversations or not, I don’t want to become part of a situation that involves deception. If my ex is unhappy in his relationship, that’s something he needs to address directly with her. I don’t want to be the secret person he turns to whenever things aren’t going well. Even if I still have feelings for him, I don’t think those feelings justify accepting a role that could hurt another person or leave me constantly waiting for him to make a decision.

The hardest part has been accepting that someone can genuinely have feelings for you and still not choose you. For a while, I believed that if my ex really loved me, eventually he would leave his girlfriend and come back. Now I’m beginning to understand that people can have complicated emotions without being willing to act on them. His feelings don’t create an obligation for me to wait. I can care about him and still recognize that this situation isn’t healthy for me. I don’t want to spend months or years wondering whether today will finally be the day he chooses to leave.

So I’ve decided that I need to step back. I’m not going to pressure him to break up with his girlfriend, and I’m not going to keep having romantic conversations with him while he’s committed to someone else. If he ever becomes single and genuinely wants to explore whether we could have a healthy relationship again, that would be a completely different situation. Until then, I need to protect my own emotional well-being and stop allowing his uncertainty to control my life. Maybe the hardest lesson here is realizing that being loved isn’t always enough. I want someone who doesn’t just tell me they love me when they’re lonely—I want someone who is free, honest, and willing to choose me without keeping another person waiting in the background.

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“My Ex Won’t Leave His Girlfriend For Me”

My ex-husband and I were married for four years, together for eight, and have been divorced four years. It was a second marriage for both of us. During our time together, my husband’s addiction to alcohol got so bad that he was in and out of three rehabs in four months and it was ultimately the reason we split up. Prior to the alcoholism taking over his life, we had other issues like his penchant for talking to other women online (whether he actually ever physically cheated is still a mystery, he swears he never did). Every time he got caught, he’d gaslight me at first then beg for my forgiveness and swear it would never happen again. And, for some reason, I’d end up forgiving him, believing him and we’d move on.

Fast forward to August of last year – he had just had a liver transplant and he reached out to meet up. At first, I declined but my curiosity got the better of me so I agreed. I should note, shortly after I decided we were done for good (or maybe even before that, who knows), he moved in with a mutual acquaintance and was still living with her when we started seeing each other again. He was adamant about how much he’d changed with a second chance at life, and he wanted a future with me. He said I’m his soulmate and he’s always loved me more than I know.

We saw each other for about six months before I told him that if he wanted us to work out, he needed to leave his girlfriend and be fully available. He claimed that he wanted to, he wasn’t happy, she wasn’t the woman he loved or wanted to be with, but that she was out of work, and he was paying the bills – like she did for him when he was so sick and she took care of everything. I appreciated his honesty and not wanting to leave her high and dry. I mean, she did keep him alive for three years. So, we went no contact (my choice) because I refused to be the other woman in this situationship.

Well, the girlfriend got a job in July… and he’s still with her… still claiming he really wants to leave but can’t give me a reason why he hasn’t yet or even come up with a plan of when he will leave. I told him we can be friends, but he says that he doesn’t want that, he wants to be with me.

My question is: Am I the fool? Do I continue waiting for him to make this change or cut my losses and leave the past in the past? I do love him and we’re very compatible but I’m wondering just how important I really am to him now. — Divorced & Confused

Yes, I’m sorry, but it’s foolish to think that after all you’ve been through with this man and all the ways he is currently showing you that he hasn’t, in fact, changed, that he is capable – let alone interested – in actually committing to you, being faithful to you, and meeting your needs in a way that you’ll feel satisfied and happy in a relationship with him for the rest of your lives. He has no intention of leaving his girlfriend – especially now that she is gainfully employed and has a history of supporting him when she’s employed! That’s like money in the bank for him.

Here’s what I don’t get: if you went no contact with this man, why do you know so much about his current life? Why do you know that his girlfriend got a job in July? Why are you giving him space and time to claim he wants to leave her and that he loves you? WHY are you telling him your can be friends? Why would you want to be friends with this man who has had so little regard for your feelings, so little appreciation for the (completely unearned!) trust you’ve given him over the years?

Your ex-husband may be addicted to alcohol, but I wonder if you’re not addicted to him? How else to explain why you keep returning to something you know is so bad for you – something that has disrupted your peace on such a consistent level for about a decade? It’s time to cut yourself off for good. Block him on your phone, email, social media, WhatsApp – every way he has to get in touch with you. Delete his number and move on. There’s no path that leads to a happy place if you follow him. New liver or not, all this man can offer you is more of the same he’s always given: lies; deceit; gaslighting; hurt feelings; and frustration. Just say no – and stick to it this time.

Recently, I was at my mother-in-law’s home, celebrating her mother’s 85th birthday. Everything was lovely, except that I noticed before my MIL served everyone pizza and cake, she petted her dog and didn’t washed her hands afterward. (No question this happened as it was all in the kitchen). My stomach turned and I instantly told my husband I wasn’t hungry. I couldn’t stomach the idea of eating food that someone touched after petting an animal.

On the way home, my husband and I bickered a bit as I asked him to stop and get me food. The kids were confused and eventually it came out that I didn’t eat because food was served with unwashed hands. My kids were angry at me that I let them eat that food. My husband said I was blowing it out of proportion.

So Wendy, was I wrong to be disgusted? Is there a polite way to remind someone to wash their hands before serving food to others? — Too Disgusted to Eat

I think you probably did blow this out of proportion and missed a few opportunities to minimize any potential drama, hurt feelings, and rudeness, starting with offering to do the serving yourself. You could have said, “Hey, MIL, you’ve got your hands full with (dog’s name) – let me serve the pizza and cake!” (Or, you could have just jumped up and done this without even saying anything). I think eating a few bites of the food wouldn’t have killed you and you clearly weren’t worried about anything bad happening to you or you would have extended the same worry to your kids, right? But if you truly couldn’t stomach the idea of eating even a few bites of the food, you could have feigned a temporary stomachache that suddenly cleared up on the way home, necessitating a quick stop through a drive-through to pick up something for you to eat. I would NOT have told the truth because, of course, it was offensive to your kids that you let them eat food you didn’t think was sanitary enough for you to eat.

At this point, I’d let it drop and in the future, if you’re faced with such a dilemma again, serve yourself.

Her Ex Suddenly Came Back Into Her Life, But His Emotional Messages Created A Complicated Situation

I never expected my ex to come back into my life the way he did. We had broken up some time ago, and although the relationship had been important to me, I had eventually accepted that it was over. I had started rebuilding my life and trying to focus on my own future. Then, out of nowhere, he began reaching out again. At first, the messages were casual, but over time, they became increasingly emotional.

He started telling me that he missed me. He talked about our relationship, our memories, and the things he believed we had done right together. Eventually, he admitted something I wasn’t prepared to hear: he still loved me.

Hearing those words brought back emotions I thought I had already dealt with.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t still have feelings for him. Our relationship had ended for a reason, but that didn’t mean all the good memories disappeared. There had been genuine love between us, and part of me wondered whether we had made a mistake by walking away.

The problem was that he wasn’t single.

He had a girlfriend, and as far as I knew, their relationship was still ongoing.

When I pointed this out, he told me that things between them weren’t good. He said their relationship had changed and that he wasn’t happy anymore.

I asked him a simple question: if he wasn’t happy, why didn’t he leave?

That’s when things became complicated.

He said he didn’t know how to end the relationship without hurting her. He talked about how long they’d been together and how difficult it would be to separate their lives.

I understood that ending a relationship can be painful.

But I couldn’t understand why he was telling me he loved me while choosing to remain with someone else.

He insisted that his feelings for me were real. He said that being with me had felt different and that he sometimes regretted losing me.

Those words made it difficult for me to completely walk away.

Every time I started creating distance, he’d send another emotional message.

He’d tell me that he missed talking to me, that he thought about our past, or that he wondered what our lives would look like if we’d stayed together.

It felt like he was keeping the door open.

But whenever I asked whether he was actually going to leave his girlfriend, he became uncertain.

He always needed more time.

Sometimes he said he needed to figure out what he wanted.

Other times he said the situation was complicated.

Once, he even told me that he was afraid of making a decision he might regret.

I started realizing that I was becoming emotionally trapped in his uncertainty.

I wasn’t his girlfriend, but I wasn’t completely his ex anymore either.

I had somehow become the person he turned to whenever he was confused or unhappy.

That wasn’t a role I wanted.

I eventually told him that I couldn’t continue having romantic conversations with him while he was in another relationship.

I explained that if he wanted to be with me, he needed to become single first.

I wasn’t asking him to make a dramatic choice because of me.

I simply wanted him to take responsibility for his own relationship.

If he was unhappy, he needed to address that with his girlfriend.

If he wanted to stay with her, then he needed to stop telling me that he loved me.

He didn’t like hearing that.

He said I was making everything too complicated.

But from my perspective, he was the one creating the complicated situation.

He was trying to maintain his current relationship while also keeping an emotional connection with me.

Eventually, I asked him directly whether he intended to leave his girlfriend.

His answer was heartbreaking.

He said he didn’t know.

He told me he loved me but wasn’t ready to leave his current relationship.

For a moment, I didn’t know how to respond.

I had spent so much time focusing on his words that I had forgotten to look at his actions.

His actions were actually very clear.

He was choosing to stay with her.

Whatever feelings he had for me, he wasn’t willing to build a relationship with me.

That realization hurt more than I expected.

I had been telling myself that if he really loved me, eventually he would choose me.

But I began understanding that love doesn’t automatically lead to action.

Someone can have feelings for you and still choose another life.

Someone can miss you and still decide not to come back.

Someone can regret losing you and still remain where they are.

That doesn’t necessarily make their feelings fake.

But it does mean those feelings aren’t enough to create the relationship I want.

I also started thinking about his girlfriend.

I don’t know what she knows about our conversations.

Maybe she knows that we’ve been talking.

Maybe she has no idea.

Either way, I don’t want to be involved in something based on secrecy.

If my ex wants to leave his relationship, he needs to have that conversation with her himself.

I don’t want to be the reason he gives for ending it, and I don’t want to be hidden in the background while he decides what to do.

I deserve better than that.

Eventually, I stopped responding to the romantic messages.

It wasn’t easy.

There were moments when I wanted to believe that maybe he would finally make a decision.

But every time I thought about waiting, I remembered how long I had already been stuck in the same situation.

I didn’t want to spend months watching my phone and wondering whether he’d finally become single.

I didn’t want my future to depend on someone else’s indecision.

So I told him that I needed space.

I said that if he ever became genuinely single and still wanted to explore whether we could rebuild our relationship, he could contact me then.

Until that happened, I needed him to respect my boundaries.

He didn’t respond particularly well at first.

He accused me of giving up on us.

But I reminded him that he was the one choosing not to leave his relationship.

I wasn’t giving up on a relationship that currently existed.

I was refusing to participate in a situation where I was expected to wait indefinitely.

That distinction was important to me.

I still care about him.

I won’t pretend that my feelings disappeared simply because I decided to step away.

But caring about someone doesn’t mean accepting every situation they put you in.

I can love someone and still know that being involved with them isn’t good for me.

I can miss someone and still refuse to become their emotional backup plan.

I’ve also learned that I don’t want to measure love only by what someone says.

Words matter, but actions matter too.

If someone tells me they want a future with me, I need to see choices that support that statement.

I don’t want to spend my life interpreting mixed signals.

I want a relationship where both people are available and willing to choose each other openly.

Maybe someday my ex will become single.

Maybe he’ll decide that he wants to try again.

Maybe by then I’ll still have feelings for him, or maybe I’ll have completely moved on.

I honestly don’t know.

But I’m no longer willing to put my life on hold waiting to find out.

The hardest lesson has been accepting that someone can love you and still not be the right person for you.

His feelings don’t obligate me to wait.

His uncertainty doesn’t have to become my uncertainty.

And his decision to remain with someone else is something I have to respect, even if it hurts.

For now, I’m choosing myself.

I’m focusing on rebuilding the peace I had before he came back into my life.

I’m spending time with friends, working toward my own goals, and trying not to constantly wonder what he might do next.

Maybe our story isn’t completely finished.

But if there is ever another chapter, I want it to begin with clarity.

I don’t want secret conversations, emotional triangles, or promises about someday.

I want two people who are both free to choose each other.

Until then, I think stepping away is the healthiest thing I can do.

Because I finally understand something I struggled to accept for a long time: I don’t need someone to tell me they love me if their actions consistently show that they aren’t choosing me.

And right now, my ex may still have feelings for me, but he’s made his choice.

He’s staying with his girlfriend.

So I’m choosing not to wait around for him to change his mind.