When their close friend first asked them to watch her two cats for an entire year, the couple honestly thought she was joking. They had no problem helping with pets occasionally. They had looked after the cats for a weekend before, fed them during short trips, and even agreed to stop by when their friend had long workdays. But a full year was completely different. They both worked full-time, had their own responsibilities, and had deliberately chosen not to have pets because they didn’t want that kind of long-term commitment. Their friend insisted that the arrangement would be temporary and said she had no other option because she was moving overseas for a major opportunity. She promised to cover every expense, including food, litter, veterinary bills, and anything else the cats needed. Still, the couple politely declined. They explained that caring for two animals for twelve months wasn’t something they could realistically promise. Their friend became disappointed and accused them of not being supportive enough. She reminded them that they had known each other for years and suggested that true friends should be willing to make sacrifices for each other. The couple felt guilty, but they stood by their decision because they knew agreeing out of guilt could eventually create resentment.

Their friend eventually found someone else to take the cats, and the couple assumed the issue was over. For the next several months, they barely thought about it. Their friend moved overseas, occasionally posting pictures online and telling everyone how well everything was going. She said the cats were doing fine and that she was grateful to the person caring for them. From the outside, everything appeared completely normal. However, about six months later, the friend suddenly contacted the couple again and asked whether they could take the cats after all. The person who had originally agreed to care for them had apparently encountered a serious personal problem and could no longer keep them. The friend was still overseas and couldn’t immediately return. She begged the couple to reconsider, saying they would only need to care for the cats until she could “figure something out.” The couple asked how long that might be, but she couldn’t give them a definite answer. They reminded her that they had already explained why they couldn’t make a long-term commitment. She became frustrated and told them that they were the only people she trusted. Once again, they refused. It wasn’t because they disliked the cats. In fact, they liked them. Their concern was that they were being asked to take responsibility for animals without knowing when that responsibility would end.

The situation became more uncomfortable when their friend started asking mutual friends to convince them. Several people told the couple that they should simply help because the cats needed a safe place. One friend even suggested that refusing was selfish because the couple didn’t have children and therefore had “more freedom” than their friend. The couple found that argument unfair. Not having children didn’t mean they had unlimited time or that they were obligated to take care of someone else’s pets. They explained that they were willing to help find alternatives, contact shelters or rescues if necessary, and even contribute some money toward temporary boarding, but they could not agree to become the cats’ permanent caregivers. Their friend became increasingly upset and accused them of abandoning her during a difficult time. The couple still refused. They knew that once the cats entered their home, getting the animals back to their owner could become extremely complicated. They had heard enough stories about temporary pet-sitting arrangements turning into permanent responsibilities. They didn’t want to make a promise they couldn’t keep simply to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.

Then came the unexpected twist that completely changed how the couple viewed the situation. A few weeks later, they discovered that their friend had not actually been unable to return home because of her circumstances. She had made a deliberate decision to extend her stay overseas and had already been considering moving there permanently. More importantly, she had apparently been telling different people different stories about what was happening with the cats. She had told the couple that she would eventually return for them, but she had told another friend that she wasn’t sure whether she wanted to bring the cats back at all. When the couple learned this, they realized that their original refusal had protected them from a much bigger problem. Their friend had never had a clear plan for the cats’ future, and she had been trying to find someone willing to absorb that uncertainty for her. The person who had originally taken the cats eventually admitted that they had been given the impression that the arrangement would last only a few months. They were shocked when the timeline kept getting extended. Suddenly, the couple understood why their friend had become so angry when they refused. She wasn’t simply asking for a temporary favor. She was desperately looking for someone who would take responsibility for a situation she herself hadn’t properly planned.

In the end, the couple never took the cats. Instead, they helped connect their friend with a reputable long-term pet-care arrangement and encouraged her to make a permanent decision that was fair to the animals. Their friendship became more distant afterward, but the couple no longer felt guilty about saying no. The experience taught them an important lesson about boundaries: sometimes refusing a request isn’t selfish, especially when the request involves a commitment that could last months or years. They loved animals, cared about their friend, and still wanted to help, but helping didn’t mean accepting responsibility for something they hadn’t agreed to. The biggest twist was that the very thing their friend had accused them of being—unhelpful and selfish—turned out to be the reason they avoided becoming trapped in an indefinite arrangement. If they had agreed out of guilt the first time, they might have ended up caring for two cats without knowing when, or even whether, their owner planned to take them back. In hindsight, their refusal wasn’t a lack of friendship. It was a reasonable boundary that ultimately protected both the couple and the animals from an uncertain situation.

Read Story…

How do I tell my friend I don’t want to watch her cats for a year while she travels?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/madd_maddz

How do I tell my friend I don’t want to watch her cats for a year while she travels?

Original Post – rareddit  July 16, 2019

It’s basically as the title says. One of my oldest friends, Samantha, is planning on traveling for a year. She has everything booked and lined up already. She has asked me and my husband to watch her two cats while she is gone. My husband and I went back and forth seriously considering all the options for several days before we both came to the conclusion that we not only don’t want to do it, but it would not be the best home environment for her cats either.

I have many many reasons that I believe are valid reasons to not want the cats, besides “I just don’t want them.” My problems come from me feeling guilty in telling her no. I know that she doesn’t really have any one else she can ask to watch them, so by us saying no I feel responsible for 1. Her canceling her trip or 2. Her having to give her cats up so she can still go.

I’m looking for advice on how to broach the topic carefully so I don’t hurt her feelings, and how to say it in a way that lets her know I deeply care for her and love her, but this is out of the question for us right now.

If any of you are curious as to why we decided we can’t watch them here are the reasons:

• We have a dog that has never been around cats for more than a few minutes. The last time she met a cat she chased it and cornered it. My dog was never aggressive towards the cat, but it doesn’t matter because the cat was uncomfortable with my dog getting so close and not leaving the cat alone.
• She has a disabled cat. One of her cats was hit by a car when she was a puppy and has a limp and serious mobility issues. I’m worried about this cat and my dog. Even if the two get along, I’m worried about the times when a cat is being a cat and wants to be left alone and can’t get away easily because she is injured.
• A year is a really really long time to commit to taking care of someone’s pets. At first we weren’t that worried about the time, but the more we talked about it the more it felt like a year was just way too much for us.
• We JUST bought a house. We moved in less than a month ago. When we moved in we bought new leather furniture for our living room. Neither of her cats are declawed and although scratching posts and enrichments exist, in the span of a year, some scratching is bound to happen. We were able to buy this kind of furniture because we don’t have to worry about it getting torn up with claws. I really don’t want my brand new furniture getting torn to shreds by the cats.
• The kitty litter situation. We don’t really have anywhere to put the litter where my dog won’t get into it. Again the issue with the disabled cat. We could put up a baby gate but I’m worried about the cat being able to jump up and over it with ease.
• My husband is not a huge cat lover. He doesn’t dislike them, but he would never want to own one, and now we would have TWO. He has really grown to love Samantha over the years and because he loves her too, he was willing to sacrifice a year for her when we first started to consider it. But I was the one who was saying it’s a big sacrifice to make for a year for not even liking cats

Edit: I have texted her to call me when she can tonight so we can talk about the cats. She will probably call me on her drive home from work. I wanted to call rather than text just because I believe in being honest and upfront. She already texted me back saying her last patient for the day has left, so it won’t be long before she calls. I guess I will update the phone call?

TL;DR : my friend wants me to watch her cats for a year while she travels. I can’t and don’t want to. Not sure how to tell her with out hurting her feelings or feeling responsible for the fate of her cats if I don’t watch them.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

jballoregon

The cats are her responsibility not yours. It’s a huge burden for someone to ask you to watch their pets for a year. I personally would never do this for a friend, family member, whom ever. A week yes, a year is laughable.

OOP

I agree that a year is a huge ask. I guess I’m feeling really guilty.

In the past we have gotten in arguments about her feeling like I don’t put her first. I told her I didn’t, that I put my husband first. and ever since then I feel like if I tell her no she takes it as a personal attack that I don’t love her or something.

birdsofpaper

Hoooooly shit OP. Why does this grown woman think you should be putting her first? Of course you put yourself/spouse/family first! That sounds entitled as hell, as does this entire situation.

Do not feel guilty. This is A LOT to plan A YEAR’S VACATION when you’re a pet owner without doing other than blithely thinking your friends will happily home your pet.

OOP

To be fair when we had this conversation me and my husband weren’t married yet. Key word yet. She said she felt like I was starting to put my relationship with my now husband before our friendship with her and I was.

It was a transition from being besties and doing everything together since we were kids. Even mundane things like grocery shopping, running errands together, study sesh at the lib etc to slowly doing most of my day to day things with him instead of her, or even by myself. I’m sure on her end it felt like losing a friend. On my end it felt like the natural maturation of adult friends not being in college anymore and not needing to see each other several times a week to remain close. It’s a lot better now though.

DiTrastevere

Is it? You’re scared to tell her that you can’t take her pets for an entire year while she fucks off on a world tour for funsies. That doesn’t say “healthy friendship” to me.

OOP

I mean you’re right. It doesn’t shout healthy friendship at all. I would say it is better though. It could be that I am excusing her behavior simply because we have been friends since kids so I feel a sense of loyalty to her. But regardless I shouldn’t feel bad for telling her no, even though I do

Who would pay for the food/litter/vet?

She said she would give us money for food and litter. She didn’t say how much and we didn’t talk about the vet.

When she asked me it was a very brief conversation and I told her I couldn’t give her an answer right away, that I needed to talk it over and really think about it with my husband. So then she dropped it

Not just food/litter/vets, what if OOP wantS to take a vacation?

I mean these are all points my husband and I talked about when making the final decision it was not going to work for us. I don’t think she’s fully considered it from our end

Update – rareddit  July 18, 2019 (2 Days Later)

I’ve had a few people message me about an update which I was surprised about, but here goes:

I texted Samantha to call me when she had the chance that night. In the text I sent her I plainly stated I wanted to talk about the cats. She called me that night around 7 after she got home from work.

After reading through most of the replies, I had a pretty good idea about what I wanted to say and how exactly I wanted to word it, as well as some ideas about how to shut down any combative behavior from Samantha’s end.

So I basically straight up told her something close to “after heavily considering it with (husband) we decided that we will not be able to watch the cats for you. I’m sorry that we didn’t work out for you” I made sure to leave out any language that could give her an opportunity to try to rationalize why we should be able to do it.

She sighed and asked “why”? I briefly told her “ I don’t think it’s a good idea with the dog, and to be honest a year is way too long for us to feel comfortable committing to care for someone else’s pets”

She pushed back a little bit but I just kept reiterating “I know that it sucks, if I think of any other options I’ll let you know”

I also gently suggested boarding to which she replied too expensive, then I said have you thought about rehoming and she said “fuck no”

Finally she said that she knew finding someone to watch the cats was going to be the hardest part, and that she guesses she will ask her dad, but didn’t want to resort to asking him because she was worried about HIS leather furniture getting ruined.

So needless to say, everyone was right that she was just trying to take advantage of me and my husband. It’s obvious that this friendship is super unhealthy, and I’ll be continuing to distance myself from now on.

TL;DR: called her and told her no. Turns out I wasn’t her only option. Friendship is obviously unhealthy, I’ll be distancing myself.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP’s OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER – RULE 7

A One-Year Favor Was More Than They Could Commit To

When a close friend asked this couple to take care of her two cats for an entire year, they initially thought there had been some kind of misunderstanding. They were happy to help friends when they could, and they had even watched the cats for short periods in the past. A weekend or a week was one thing, but twelve months was an entirely different commitment. The couple worked full-time, had busy schedules, and had deliberately decided not to own pets because they didn’t want the responsibility that came with caring for animals every single day. Their friend, however, insisted that she desperately needed their help. She was planning to move overseas for what she described as a temporary work opportunity and promised that she would return after a year. She said the cats were like family and that she needed people she trusted to care for them while she was away.

The couple understood why their friend was worried. Leaving pets behind while moving to another country was obviously stressful, and they knew how much she loved the animals. They asked about the cats’ daily routine, their food, medical needs, and other expenses. Their friend promised to pay for everything. She said she would send money for food, litter, veterinary appointments, and emergencies. The couple appreciated that offer, but their biggest concern wasn’t financial. It was the amount of time involved. Taking care of two cats for an entire year meant feeding them, cleaning litter boxes, arranging veterinary care, dealing with emergencies, and making sure they were safe every single day. They knew that once they accepted the responsibility, they couldn’t simply change their minds halfway through.

They politely told their friend that they couldn’t do it. They explained that they weren’t comfortable committing to a full year of pet care. They offered to help her find another solution, including asking other friends, looking into professional pet sitters, or helping her research boarding facilities. Their friend was disappointed by the answer. She said she had expected more support from people she considered close friends. The couple felt guilty hearing that, but they still believed they were making the responsible decision. They knew that saying yes out of guilt could eventually create problems for everyone, including the cats.

Their friend continued trying to persuade them. She explained that the cats were easy to care for and mostly slept during the day. She told them they wouldn’t have to do much besides provide food, water, and clean the litter boxes. She also promised that she would video call regularly and remain involved in their care. The couple listened, but their answer remained the same. They weren’t saying the cats were difficult. They were saying that a year was simply too long for them to promise something they hadn’t planned for.

Eventually, their friend found another person willing to take the cats. The couple were relieved and assumed the issue was over. They wished their friend a safe journey and told her they hoped everything worked out. For several months, everything appeared to be going smoothly. Their friend moved overseas and occasionally posted photos of herself exploring the new city. She also posted pictures of the cats and thanked the person who was caring for them. From the outside, it looked like the original plan had worked perfectly.

The couple continued with their normal lives. They rarely thought about the cats because they assumed they were being well cared for. Their friendship continued, although their friend occasionally mentioned how much she missed her pets. She told them that she was counting down the months until she could come home. The couple believed her because they had no reason to think otherwise.

Then, about six months into the arrangement, the friend contacted them with an urgent request. She explained that the person caring for the cats had suddenly developed a personal problem and could no longer keep them. She asked the couple if they could take the cats immediately. The couple reminded her that they had already explained why they couldn’t commit to long-term pet care. Their friend responded that this situation was different because it was an emergency.

They asked how long she expected them to keep the cats. She couldn’t provide a clear answer. She said she was trying to figure things out and would hopefully be able to return sooner than expected. The couple asked whether she had already looked for another sitter. She said she had contacted a few people but hadn’t found anyone she trusted. She then told them that they were the only people she knew who would treat the cats like family.

The couple felt terrible for the animals. They didn’t want the cats to end up somewhere unsafe. At the same time, they knew that accepting them could create exactly the situation they had tried to avoid. They had jobs, commitments, and no experience caring for pets on a permanent basis. They couldn’t realistically promise to keep two animals without knowing when their owner would return.

They offered to help their friend search for another temporary arrangement. They even suggested contributing some money toward professional boarding if necessary. Their friend didn’t appreciate the response. She told them that if they truly cared about her, they would simply take the cats. She said they were making excuses and that the animals needed someone immediately.

The conversation became emotional. The couple tried to explain that refusing to take the cats didn’t mean they didn’t care about their friend. They simply didn’t want to make a promise they might later regret. Their friend accused them of being selfish and said that they clearly didn’t understand what it meant to be a good friend.

After the conversation ended, the couple began wondering whether they had been too harsh. They loved animals and didn’t want to feel responsible if something happened to the cats. For a moment, they considered changing their minds. But then they remembered why they had refused in the first place. A one-year commitment was serious, and their friend still couldn’t tell them exactly when she would return.

They decided to stick with their original answer.

Their friend became distant after that. She stopped calling as frequently and began communicating mostly through short messages. The couple felt uncomfortable, but they believed they had done what they could. They continued offering practical help, including contacting people they knew who might be able to provide temporary pet care.

Then something unexpected happened.

One of the couple’s mutual friends mentioned that the situation with the cats wasn’t quite what their friend had described. According to this person, the original caregiver hadn’t simply experienced a sudden emergency. They had apparently been frustrated because the arrangement had continued far longer than they expected.

The couple were confused. Their friend had repeatedly told them that the cats were supposed to be cared for for one year. Why would the caregiver be surprised by the length of the arrangement?

They started asking careful questions. Eventually, they learned that their friend had originally told the caregiver that she would probably be gone for only a few months. The one-year timeline apparently wasn’t as definite as she had made it sound when speaking to the couple.

That revelation immediately changed the way they viewed the situation.

They discovered that their friend had been extending the arrangement because her work situation overseas had changed. What had started as a temporary opportunity had become much more permanent. She was considering staying abroad longer and possibly relocating permanently.

The friend had apparently avoided telling the couple this because she didn’t want them to question whether she would actually return for the cats.

The couple realized that their original concern had been completely justified. They had asked a very simple question from the beginning: “How long would we be responsible for the cats?” Their friend had promised one year, but even she didn’t appear to know what would happen after that.

The situation became even more complicated when another mutual friend revealed that their friend had been asking several people to take the cats permanently. She had apparently started considering whether it would be easier to leave them behind rather than bring them to another country.

The couple were shocked.

They had initially been made to feel guilty for refusing a temporary favor. Now they were learning that the arrangement might never have been temporary at all.

They also learned that the original caregiver had begun asking for additional money because the cats required more care than expected. One of the cats had developed a minor health issue that required veterinary attention, while the other had become anxious after the change in environment. The caregiver had struggled to manage everything while also dealing with their own personal responsibilities.

Suddenly, the couple understood exactly why their friend had been desperate to find another person.

If they had accepted the cats months earlier, they could have ended up facing the same problems without knowing when their responsibility would end.

Despite everything, the couple still didn’t want the cats to suffer. They contacted their friend and offered to help find a stable long-term solution. They suggested a professional pet-care service and also helped contact another trusted person who had experience with cats.

This time, their friend finally admitted that she wasn’t sure when she would return.

She apologized for putting pressure on them and acknowledged that she had made the situation sound more temporary than it really was. She explained that she had been afraid that nobody would help if she admitted she might stay overseas permanently.

The couple appreciated her honesty, but the experience changed their friendship.

They no longer felt comfortable being pressured into commitments through guilt. They still cared about their friend and the cats, but they understood that caring about someone doesn’t mean agreeing to every request they make.

In the end, the cats were placed in a stable arrangement with someone who was actually prepared to care for them long-term. Their friend eventually made arrangements for their future, although it took much longer than anyone originally expected.

The couple never ended up taking the cats, and they eventually stopped feeling guilty about their decision.

Looking back, they realized that saying no had protected everyone involved. They hadn’t rejected their friend because they were selfish or uncaring. They had simply recognized that a year-long responsibility was too serious to accept casually.

The unexpected twist proved that their instincts had been right from the beginning. The problem wasn’t that the cats were difficult or that the couple didn’t want to help. The real problem was that nobody had a reliable plan for how long the cats would actually need care.

Sometimes the hardest thing about setting a boundary is watching someone you care about become disappointed by it. But this experience taught the couple that a responsible “no” can be far kinder than an emotional “yes” that you can’t keep. They would rather disappoint a friend temporarily than make a promise involving two animals that they couldn’t guarantee they could fulfill. In the end, their refusal wasn’t a failure of friendship. It was the decision that prevented an uncertain situation from becoming an even bigger problem.