When Emily’s brother-in-law and his girlfriend welcomed their first child a few years earlier, the family went all out to celebrate them. Emily’s husband and his siblings pooled their money together to organize an expensive baby shower, making sure the couple had a memorable event. The celebration included plenty of food, decorations, gifts, and other details that made it feel special. Emily did not mind contributing because the cost was divided among several family members, and everyone was happy to help. At the time, nobody expected that the same situation would come up again only a few years later.

Now the couple was expecting their second baby, and they casually mentioned that they would like another baby shower. At first, Emily and her husband did not take the request too seriously because it was mentioned without any specific plans. However, Emily’s brother-in-law brought it up again several times, making it clear that he was hoping the family would organize another celebration for them. The request made Emily uncomfortable because she felt the circumstances were very different this time.

Emily’s main concern was that her brother-in-law had never really hosted or paid for family gatherings himself. Other than his child’s first birthday, which was held at a public venue with simple food and cake, he had rarely taken the initiative to organize events. Emily felt that the responsibility for celebrating his growing family had repeatedly fallen on other relatives. She began wondering whether everyone was simply expected to continue paying for large celebrations whenever he asked.

Another issue was the family’s financial situation. Emily knew that her brother-in-law was the only person working to support his household. They all lived in an expensive city, and based on what she knew about their circumstances, she suspected that paying for a large baby shower might not be realistic for them. Emily understood that money could be tight, but she did not believe that financial difficulties automatically meant other family members should be responsible for organizing an expensive party.

There was also a major difference in the family relationships compared with the first baby shower. Since the original celebration, Emily’s husband and his brother had stopped speaking to several other siblings. As a result, the potential guest list had become dramatically smaller. Instead of a large family gathering, the second shower would probably involve only around twenty people. Emily questioned whether it made sense to spend a significant amount of money on an elaborate event for such a small group.

What bothered Emily even more was the way her brother-in-law and his girlfriend handled invitations from the family. Whenever Emily and her husband invited them to their home or to other gatherings, they often arrived hours late or did not show up at all. Sometimes they did not even respond to messages or calls. Emily found it difficult to understand why they should be expected to organize an expensive celebration for people who did not consistently make an effort to attend family events themselves.

Emily eventually discussed the situation with her husband. She explained that she was not against celebrating the new baby. In fact, she wanted to help in some way. Her suggestion was simply that they choose a more practical form of support instead of spending a large amount of money on another baby shower.

She suggested that her husband offer to help purchase diapers, baby clothes, formula, or other necessities. If relatives wanted to give additional gifts, the expecting couple could simply share their registry information when family members asked. Emily felt this would provide something genuinely useful to the parents instead of spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on a single afternoon.

Her husband disagreed. He believed that refusing to throw another shower would make the family appear unsupportive. He also felt that his brother should be able to celebrate the arrival of his second child just as they had celebrated the first. Emily reminded him that nobody was refusing to celebrate the baby. She simply believed that there were more practical ways to show support.

The disagreement became more serious when Emily pointed out that the family’s relationships had changed. The people who had helped pay for the first shower were no longer all close to her husband or his brother. The guest list was smaller, and some relatives might not even attend. Emily thought it was unreasonable to expect people who were no longer part of the family’s regular lives to contribute money toward another expensive event.

Her husband accused her of being overly critical of his brother. He said that she was focusing too much on past behavior instead of simply doing something nice for family. Emily responded that generosity should be voluntary, not something people are pressured into because someone repeatedly hints that they want a party. She also reminded him that they had their own expenses and responsibilities.

Interestingly, the only sister who still regularly spoke with the expecting couple agreed with Emily. She also believed that a second large shower was unnecessary and that helping with practical baby supplies would be more useful. This made Emily feel less unreasonable, although she understood that family members could still have different opinions.

Emily’s husband, however, continued to believe that his wife was being unfair. During one argument, he called her an AH for discouraging the family from celebrating his brother’s new baby. Emily was hurt by the accusation because she never said the baby should not be celebrated. Her concern was specifically about whether she and her husband should be expected to finance another large event.

Eventually, Emily decided that she could not force her husband to agree with her. She told him that if he personally wanted to contribute money toward a shower, that was his decision, but she did not want to be pressured into organizing or funding a large party herself. She remained willing to purchase useful items for the baby and celebrate with the family in a smaller, more reasonable way. In her mind, supporting relatives did not always have to involve expensive parties, especially when the same people rarely returned the effort. The disagreement left the couple divided, but Emily believed she had drawn a reasonable boundary rather than refusing to support her husband’s family.

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AITA for not wanting to throw a 2nd baby shower

My (33F) husband’s (34) brother (30) and his girlfriend (30) had a baby a couple years ago and we threw them a baby shower, funded by my husband and his other siblings. We went all out. It was pricey, but was fine considering the bill was split between the siblings. They are having another baby (same sex) and mentioned they would like another shower. At first we kind of shrugged off the request as it was made casually and nobody elaborated on any details. My BIL has now mentioned it to my husband again twice. Here’s my problem and maybe why I might be the AH.

1. my BIL has never held/hosted a get together where he’s footed the bill, except for their child’s 1st bday which was held at a public place with some pizza, soda and a cake.
2. my BIL is the only one working to support their family. We all live in an expensive city and based on their living situation, I’m guessing they can’t afford to throw themselves a shower (is that a weird thing to do? Throw yourself a babyshower?)
3. My husband and his brother are no longer on speaking terms with the other siblings so the guest list has shrunk dramatically and it seems pointless to throw a whole shower for 20 people.
4. When we invite them places or to our own get togethers, they’re either hours late or they just don’t show up at all… and that’s if they even respond to the messages/calls.

I told my husband he should suggest that instead of us paying for a party, we help out with diapers/necessities and maybe they just mention where they’re registered to other family members when they ask. The only sister that they talk to agrees with me. But my husband thinks I’m an AH. So… AITA?

Emily Supports Her Husband’s Family By Going All Out For Their First Baby Shower

Emily had always tried to maintain a good relationship with her husband’s family. She understood that family traditions were important to her husband, especially when it came to celebrating major milestones. A few years earlier, when her husband’s brother and his girlfriend welcomed their first child, Emily had happily participated in the baby shower. Her husband and his siblings contributed money toward the event, and they went all out to make the celebration special.

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The first baby shower had been expensive, but Emily did not complain about the cost. Since several siblings were sharing the bill, the financial burden was manageable. They paid for food, decorations, gifts, and other expenses that turned the event into a large family celebration. Emily saw it as a one-time gesture to welcome a new baby into the family.

The couple now had another baby on the way. Since the new baby was the same sex as their first child, Emily assumed that the family would probably keep the celebration smaller this time. However, her brother-in-law and his girlfriend casually mentioned that they would like another baby shower.

At first, Emily did not think much about the comment. People sometimes joked about parties or casually expressed wishes without actually expecting anyone to make plans. She assumed the request would disappear on its own. But then her brother-in-law mentioned the idea to Emily’s husband again.

He brought it up a second time several weeks later. By then, Emily realized that the request was probably not just a casual comment. Her husband’s brother seemed to be hoping that the family would once again organize and pay for a large celebration.

Emily immediately began thinking about whether another shower made sense.

She was not against celebrating the new baby. She loved the idea of welcoming another child into the family and believed the parents deserved congratulations. Her concern was about the expectation that the same relatives should once again spend a significant amount of money organizing a party.

There were several reasons why Emily felt uncomfortable with the idea.

First, she had noticed that her brother-in-law had rarely hosted family gatherings himself. Aside from his child’s first birthday, which was held at a public location with simple food, soda, and a cake, he had not really organized events where he personally paid for everything.

Emily did not necessarily expect him to host expensive parties. She understood that people had different financial circumstances. What bothered her was the pattern of other family members repeatedly taking responsibility for celebrating his family’s milestones.

It seemed to her that whenever there was an important occasion, someone else was expected to organize it, pay for it, and make sure everything was perfect.

The financial situation also made Emily question the request. Her brother-in-law was the only person working to support his household. They lived in an expensive city, and Emily suspected that money was already tight for them.

She did not blame him for struggling financially. In fact, she understood why he might not be able to afford a large party. But she did not think his financial limitations automatically meant that his siblings should take over the expense.

Emily also knew that the family situation had changed dramatically since the first baby shower.

At the time of the first shower, her husband and his siblings were still close. They were able to split the costs among several people, making the event much more affordable for everyone.

That was no longer the case.

Her husband and his brother were no longer speaking to some of the other siblings. The family disagreements had caused relationships to break down, and the group that would now be expected to contribute money was much smaller.

Emily estimated that only around twenty people would realistically attend another shower.

She could not understand why they needed to organize another expensive event for such a small group, especially when many of the relatives who had contributed to the first shower were no longer involved.

There was another issue that bothered her even more.

Emily and her husband had invited the expecting couple to their own gatherings several times. Unfortunately, the brother and his girlfriend had developed a reputation for being extremely unreliable.

Sometimes they arrived hours late.

Other times, they did not show up at all.

There were even occasions when they failed to respond to messages or calls, leaving everyone unsure whether they were coming.

Emily found this frustrating because family celebrations required effort from everyone involved.

She wondered why she should be expected to spend money and energy organizing a major event for people who frequently failed to show basic consideration when invited to events hosted by others.

She did not believe that anyone had to attend every family gathering. Life could be busy, and emergencies happened. But repeatedly ignoring invitations or arriving extremely late made her question how much effort should reasonably be expected from everyone else.

Eventually, Emily sat down with her husband and explained how she felt.

She told him that she did not think they should organize another expensive baby shower.

Her husband immediately disagreed.

He believed his brother deserved to be celebrated just as much as he had been when his first child was born. He also felt that refusing to organize a shower might send the message that the family did not care about the new baby.

Emily tried to clarify that this was not what she meant at all.

She suggested a different solution.

Instead of spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on decorations, food, a venue, and other party expenses, they could help the couple purchase practical items for the baby.

They could buy diapers, wipes, clothes, bottles, or other necessities that the parents would actually use.

Emily also suggested that if relatives wanted to give gifts, the couple could simply tell family members where they were registered when people asked.

She believed this would allow everyone to celebrate the baby without creating an unnecessary financial burden.

Her husband still disagreed.

He believed a baby shower was about more than gifts. It was about gathering the family together and celebrating an important moment.

Emily understood that argument, but she pointed out that they had already held one large shower for the couple.

She also questioned whether a second shower was really necessary when the parents already had many of the basic items they needed from their first child.

Her husband accused her of being too focused on money.

That comment hurt Emily because she did not believe money was the only issue. She was thinking about fairness, effort, family relationships, and practicality.

She told him that if he personally wanted to spend his own money on a celebration for his brother, she would not stop him.

However, she did not want to be responsible for organizing the event or contributing a large amount of their shared household money without both of them agreeing.

The conversation became increasingly tense.

Her husband argued that family members sometimes needed to make sacrifices for one another. Emily agreed with that principle but said sacrifices should not become automatic expectations.

She reminded him that their previous generosity had already been significant.

They had contributed to the first shower, attended family gatherings, purchased gifts, and made repeated efforts to maintain relationships with his brother and girlfriend.

She did not believe one more expensive event was necessary to prove that they cared.

Interestingly, the only sister who still maintained a close relationship with the expecting couple agreed with Emily.

She also thought a second large baby shower was unnecessary.

She believed that practical support would be more useful, especially since the parents already had many items from their first child.

Knowing that another family member shared her opinion reassured Emily that she was not simply being selfish.

Still, her husband remained convinced that she was wrong.

At one point, he called her an AH for discouraging the family from celebrating his brother’s new baby.

Emily was deeply hurt by the accusation.

She explained that she had never said the baby should not be celebrated.

She wanted to congratulate the parents and give the baby a thoughtful gift. She simply did not think celebration had to equal an expensive party.

Emily also believed that there was a difference between generosity and obligation.

If family members genuinely wanted to organize another shower, they were free to do so. But nobody should feel pressured to spend money simply because the expecting parents hinted that they wanted another celebration.

Her husband eventually admitted that part of his motivation was guilt.

He felt that because his relationship with some of his siblings had broken down, he should make an extra effort to maintain his connection with his brother.

Emily understood that.

She told him that supporting his brother was perfectly reasonable, but he did not need to prove his loyalty by taking responsibility for an entire party.

They eventually agreed that they would not personally organize a large shower.

Instead, they would purchase several useful items for the baby and attend any small gathering the family decided to have.

Emily felt relieved because the solution allowed them to celebrate without creating unnecessary tension.

She also told her husband that if he wanted to contribute additional money from his personal spending budget, that was his choice.

She simply did not want their household finances to be committed to a party that neither of them truly needed.

The situation taught Emily that family generosity can become complicated when expectations are not clearly discussed.

She was happy to help when she believed the help was meaningful and appreciated. But she did not want kindness to become something relatives automatically expected from her.

In the end, Emily did not believe she was refusing to support her brother-in-law.

She was offering a different kind of support.

Instead of paying for an elaborate celebration, she wanted to provide something practical that would directly benefit the new baby.

Whether that made her an AH was something the family could debate.

But Emily remained confident that supporting family did not require saying yes to every request, especially when the request involved a significant amount of money and effort.

For her, the real question was not whether the new baby deserved to be celebrated.

Of course the baby did.

The question was whether celebrating the baby required everyone else to organize and finance another large event.

And Emily believed the answer was simply no.