I never imagined that I would find myself in a situation where I would question everything I thought I knew about someone I had been seeing for nine months. When I first met him, I had no idea that our connection would turn into something so complicated and heartbreaking. We started casually, without making any serious promises or putting labels on what we were doing. However, as time passed, we became closer. We talked almost every day, spent time together whenever we could, and gradually developed a connection that felt much deeper than a casual arrangement. He made me feel special, wanted, and appreciated. I never had a reason to believe that he was hiding something significant from me.

Over those nine months, we developed a routine that made him feel like a regular part of my life. He would message me in the morning, check on me throughout the day, and sometimes stay up late talking about random things. We shared personal stories, laughed together, and discussed our experiences, families, and future plans. Although we had never officially called ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, his actions made me believe that there was genuine interest between us. He never gave me the impression that another woman was seriously involved in his life. In fact, whenever I asked about his relationship status, he made it seem like he was completely single. Looking back, I realize how easily I accepted his explanations because I trusted him and genuinely enjoyed having him around.

Everything changed when I unexpectedly discovered something that completely shattered my understanding of our relationship. I found out that he had actually been engaged to another woman during the entire nine months we had been seeing each other. At first, I couldn’t process the information. I kept rereading what I had discovered, hoping there was some misunderstanding or that the details were somehow incorrect. But the more I looked into it, the clearer everything became. He wasn’t simply talking to someone else or casually dating multiple people. He was engaged, had a fiancée, and was apparently preparing for a future with her while continuing to meet me and maintain our connection. I felt physically sick realizing that someone I had trusted could hide something so enormous from me for so long.

When I confronted him, his reaction made everything even more confusing. Instead of immediately taking responsibility, he tried to explain the situation in a way that made it sound less serious. He suggested that his engagement was complicated, that things between him and his fiancée weren’t going well, and that he hadn’t expected our connection to become so meaningful. He also implied that he had been planning to tell me eventually. I couldn’t understand how someone could spend nine months building a connection with another person while keeping an engagement completely secret. I wanted to ask him whether he had ever genuinely cared about me or whether I had simply been someone he turned to whenever he wanted attention outside his relationship. Every memory suddenly felt different, and I started questioning conversations and moments I had previously considered meaningful.

Now I’m struggling to decide what to do next. Part of me wants to demand every detail and understand why he thought it was acceptable to deceive both me and his fiancée. Another part of me feels that I already know everything important: he deliberately withheld the truth, allowed me to become emotionally invested, and continued seeing me while making plans to marry someone else. I never agreed to be part of a secret relationship, and I certainly never wanted to become involved in someone else’s engagement. I’m angry, embarrassed, and deeply disappointed, especially because I spent nine months believing I knew the kind of person he was. I also wonder whether his fiancée knows anything about what has been happening. I never wanted to hurt another woman, but I also don’t believe she deserves to be kept in the dark. At this point, I’m trying to figure out whether I should completely cut contact, tell his fiancée what happened, or give him one final opportunity to explain himself. I never expected nine months of my life to end with this kind of betrayal, and I honestly don’t know what the right next step is.

Read Story…

I [29F] has been hooking up with [29 M] for 9 months, just found out he’s been engaged the whole time

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ArlandPenchant

I [29F] has been hooking up with [29 M] for 9 months, just found out he’s been engaged the whole time.

Original Post  July 24, 2015

I’m in shock right now. We always had a very casual arrangement, we met through Tinder last autumn, I stayed over his a few times but mostly he would stay over at mine maybe once a month or so. Just sex, I didn’t think for a second that I was the only one and I’m sure vice versa, but wow. Not that.

Recently we had grown closer and started texting just about everyday stuff, well, nearly every day. So maybe that’s why, on a bored Friday night, I decided to google him properly. I find a tagged work photo on Twitter, that leads to an Instagram account and hey presto! Photo of him and his finacee announcing their engagement. Which took place about a month after we first hooked up. In their bed. And on their sofa. Etc. Etc.

Anyway. Now I don’t know what to do. I have the potential to cause mayhem – I have nude pics, sexting messages, everything BUT…I don’t know if I’d rather just let it go and hide away and hate all men forever. BUT then some poor girl is set to marry a complete bastard.

   TL;DR: Discovered fuck buddy has been enagaged the whole time. Get revenge? Let it go? No idea what to do…

RELEVANT COMMENTS

not_falling_down

This is a tough one, but letting the finance know is not revenge, it’s a kindness. If you were in her shoes, wouldn’t you like to know that this had been going on?

OOP

Oh absolutely, it’s just thinking of all the possibilities makes my head spin and it makes me a bit scared. I texted him so he knows I know, will gauge from his reaction what to do next…

~

sleepfight

Obviously, end it.

I think you should tell the fiance.

OOP

Oh yes, the ending it bit is a no-brainer! I just don’t know how I would tell the fiancee..She’s not very online but I found out where she works, but what? Send a letter? Send dick pics as proof? I’m also kind of scared because he will know it’s me and what if he comes after me?

sleepfight

Do you think he’s the type to come after you?

Does she have Facebook or something at least? You could contact her that way.

OOP

Well I don’t know, I clearly don’t know him half as well as I thought I did, so I feel like I don’t know what he’s capable of. Jesus, I’ve never been in this position before, I thought this sort of thing only happened in soap operas.

Can’t find her on Facebook (common name) but found her on LinkedIn.

OH UPDATE: I txt him ‘oh my god, you’re fucking married…’ but he hasn’t seen it yet.

Update  July 27, 2015 (3 Days Later)

Well, after roughly 90% of you (and my friends) insisted, I sent a message to the fiancee:

You don’t know me and until Friday, I didn’t know you existed either. I’m so sorry to tell you this, but since October last year I’ve been on and off hooking up and sexting with ______.

We met on Tinder. He mentioned an ex and I knew we weren’t exclusive, but he certainly never said he was in a relationship the whole fucking time.

I don’t know. Maybe you’re in an open relationship and know all about it. Maybe he’s already told you because I texted him on Friday telling him I know. I’m done. I don’t intend to contact you again and I literally never want to see _____ again ever, but I wanted to tell you, because if my fiancée was fucking other people, I for one would want to know.

I don’t want to go into lurid detail as quite frankly I’d just like to forget the whole thing right now, but I can send you more proof in the form of photos and whatsapp transcripts if you want.

Good luck with whatever you do x

She’s read it. She’s not replied. He’s not said anything to me either, although he has deleted the photo tweet where he announced their engagement that she had retweeted. There is still another tweet where he references their marriage, so I don’t know whether she told him to remove the photo or he took it down and forgot about the other tweet.

I was shit scared coming home from work today in case he was waiting for me outside my house or something, but he wasn’t.

Sort-of hoping that at least for me, it’s all over now.

TL;DR: messaged the fiancee, hopefully end of story.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

timatom

There are a lot of things that could have potentially happened. It’s not in OP’s interest (nor her responsibility) to speculate or worry about them. She’s done all that anyone could reasonably expect of her, so now it’s time to close this chapter and move on.

OOP

I didn’t message her on Facebook as I figured it would go into her junk folder (also it looks like she hardly goes on it too). I found a profile for her on a website related to her business that crucially had a ‘last seen online’ and, as it turns out a ‘read at XX:XX’ feature for messages. I mean, I guess there is a small chance he intercepted it, but he would have to have access to that site AND her emails (she would have got a notification) and I gave him no warning that I was going to contact her. So I think I did all I can. If she doesn’t know anything still, then she has just pretty much the worst luck in the world.

~

fvertk

I wouldn’t feel ultra paranoid, but, maybe you should carry around some kind of protection for the next period of time. Or stay at somewhere other than your apartment. Just to be safe, since he knows where you live.

In any case, you’ve done a good thing and she has benefited from your actions.

OOP

I think it will be fine. My flatmate, my friends and a couple of people at work know the full story, his name and where he works in case something superbad happens, but I don’t really think it will for second. If anything I’ve been wondering if he was looking for an excuse not to marry this girl and I’ve basically done his dirty work for him by telling her….

~

ThatGuyMiles

Do other people really not look up people they are seeing on social media? I can possible understand a one night stand and you just want to forget the whole thing. But did you really never bother to look up the guy you were fucking on the regular? Maybe it’s me but this makes zero sense to me. I don’t even hardly use Facebook and don’t have a Twitter or Instagram but I would still look up someone I were seeing on Tinder or dating in general.

OOP

Oh, no I am usually a massive stalker, I just got sloppy. He’s obviously on Facebook, but it was a very sparse account. I looked for him on Twitter, but he has an incredibly common name so this, the fact that he wasn’t a man of words and because was really private (clearly, now I know why) made me prematurely conclude he wasn’t on Twitter at all. Then I didn’t think about it again for ages because I didn’t honestly care that much about him and nothing happened that made me suspicious. It was only when we began chatting more and I found I was starting to maybe care, that I went looking…

Aug 20, 2015 (1 Month Later)

ill_cut_u

I’m just curious. It’s been 4 weeks since your update. Did anything else ever happen? Did she ever respond?

OOP

Wow, nice that you remembered! No, no response from her, nothing from him. Still occasionally anxious I’ll bump into him (or worse, them) in the street, but apart from that I think it’s all done, done, done.

FINAL COMMENT/SMALL UPDATE

Final Comment  Dec 20, 2015 (5 Months later)

[deleted]

Any update OP? Did he confront you or did they ends up marrying?

OOP

They got married!

How It All Started: A Casual Connection That Became Something More

I never imagined that I would reach a point where I would look back at nine months of my life and question whether any of it had been real. When I first met him, I wasn’t looking for anything particularly serious. I was comfortable with my life, focused on my own responsibilities, and wasn’t actively trying to find someone to date. We met through mutual friends, started talking casually, and eventually began spending more time together. There was something about him that made conversations feel effortless. He was funny, attentive, and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. What started as a casual connection slowly became something I looked forward to every day.

During the first few weeks, we kept things relatively relaxed. Neither of us talked about being in a committed relationship, and I didn’t feel the need to rush anything. We would meet whenever our schedules allowed, sometimes for dinner, sometimes just to hang out and talk. He was consistent with his messages and rarely went an entire day without checking in. If I mentioned having a difficult day, he would remember and ask about it later. Those little things made me feel like he actually cared. Even though we hadn’t officially defined what we were, I believed we were building something honest.

As the months passed, our connection became much stronger. We started sharing more personal details about our lives, including family problems, childhood memories, previous relationships, and our hopes for the future. He knew things about me that I didn’t normally share with people I had only recently met. I also learned about his work, his friends, and the kind of family environment he grew up in. He made me feel comfortable enough to be myself around him. Sometimes we would spend hours together without realizing how quickly the time had passed. I never felt like I was forcing the connection because everything seemed to happen naturally.

One thing I particularly appreciated was that he never made me feel like I was asking for too much attention. He would send random messages throughout the day, share pictures of things he thought I would find funny, and occasionally call me just because he wanted to hear my voice. He remembered small details from our conversations and sometimes surprised me by bringing up something I had mentioned weeks earlier. I thought those actions showed that he was emotionally invested, even if neither of us had officially agreed to a traditional relationship. I wasn’t demanding promises or asking him to make major life decisions. I simply expected honesty.

There were moments when I wondered whether we should have a conversation about where things were going. Nine months is a considerable amount of time to spend getting to know someone, especially when feelings are becoming involved. However, whenever the subject came up naturally, he seemed comfortable with the direction things were taking. He never openly suggested that he was committed to another person, and he certainly never mentioned having a fiancée. I assumed he was single because that was the impression he consistently gave me. I had no reason to believe that there was an entirely different relationship happening behind my back.

Looking back, there were a few things that occasionally seemed unusual, but I never considered them serious warning signs. He sometimes became unavailable during certain evenings or weekends. There were also occasions when he would avoid answering calls if he was around particular people. Whenever I asked about it, he usually had a reasonable explanation. He would say he was busy with work, dealing with family responsibilities, or spending time with friends. Since everyone has their own schedule and personal commitments, I didn’t think it was fair to question every little thing. I respected his privacy and expected him to respect mine.

Another thing I noticed was that I knew surprisingly little about his family. He talked about his parents and siblings occasionally, but he never seemed particularly interested in introducing me to them. I assumed he preferred keeping his personal life separate until he was ready for something more serious. We also didn’t have many pictures together, and he wasn’t particularly interested in posting anything about his private life online. At the time, I considered that a personal preference rather than a reason to become suspicious. I wasn’t trying to force myself into every part of his life. I simply believed that the connection between us was genuine.

As we approached the nine-month mark, I began feeling more emotionally attached than I initially expected. I had become accustomed to hearing from him every morning and talking to him before going to sleep. When something exciting happened, he was one of the first people I wanted to tell. When I had a stressful day, talking to him often made things feel easier. I had started imagining what it might look like if we eventually became an official couple. I didn’t necessarily expect a proposal or a major commitment, but I did believe there was a possibility of building a future together.

Everything changed because of something I wasn’t even looking for. I was casually looking through social media when I came across a photograph that immediately caught my attention. It was a picture of him standing beside a woman, and the caption included words that suggested they were engaged. At first, I assumed it might have been an old photograph or a misunderstanding. I looked at the woman’s profile and started noticing more pictures of the two of them together. Some were recent, and several included comments from family members congratulating them on their upcoming wedding.

My stomach dropped when I realized what I was looking at. I couldn’t understand how someone I had been seeing for nine months could have an entire engagement that I knew absolutely nothing about. I went through the woman’s profile again, looking at the dates and trying to make sense of everything. There were photographs from family gatherings, celebrations, and what appeared to be an engagement party. The comments made it clear that this wasn’t some casual misunderstanding. People were congratulating them as a couple and discussing their future wedding plans.

I spent a long time staring at my phone, hoping I had somehow misunderstood the situation. I even considered the possibility that the engagement had ended and that the photographs were simply still online. But then I noticed recent posts suggesting that the wedding preparations were ongoing. There were discussions about venues, outfits, and family arrangements. The more I discovered, the more obvious it became that he was actively planning to marry someone else while continuing to see me.

I felt embarrassed, angry, and completely betrayed. My first reaction wasn’t even to cry. I was simply in shock. I kept thinking about all the times we had spent together, all the conversations we had shared, and all the moments when he had made me believe there was nobody else. Had he been going home to his fiancée after seeing me? Had they been discussing wedding plans while he was messaging me? Did his friends know about me? Did his family know he was seeing someone else? There were suddenly hundreds of questions running through my mind, and I couldn’t find a single explanation that made the situation easier to accept.

I decided I needed to confront him rather than spend the entire night creating different explanations in my head. I sent him a message asking whether we could talk. He replied normally, as if nothing had happened, which somehow made me even angrier. I asked him directly whether he was engaged. At first, he didn’t respond. I could see that he had read the message, but several minutes passed without an answer. Eventually, he called me and asked where I had heard that information.

That question immediately told me that he wasn’t going to deny it. I asked him why he had never mentioned having a fiancée during the nine months we had been seeing each other. He became defensive and started explaining that his situation was complicated. According to him, the engagement had happened because of family expectations, and his relationship with the woman wasn’t as simple as it appeared online. He claimed that things between them had been difficult for a long time and that he wasn’t sure whether the marriage would actually happen.

I listened, but his explanations only created more questions. If he wasn’t happy with his engagement, why hadn’t he told me? If he wasn’t planning to marry her, why were they still making wedding arrangements? And if their relationship was effectively over, why did everyone around them appear to believe they were getting married? I asked him whether his fiancée knew about me, and he became noticeably uncomfortable. He avoided giving me a straightforward answer and kept repeating that I didn’t understand the pressure he was under.

He then tried to shift the conversation toward our connection. He said he genuinely liked spending time with me and hadn’t expected things to become so emotionally complicated. He claimed that what we shared was real and that he never intended to hurt me. Part of me wanted to believe that he had developed genuine feelings, but another part couldn’t understand how genuine feelings could justify such an enormous lie. He had plenty of opportunities to tell me the truth. Instead, he allowed nine months to pass while I continued believing I understood his situation.

I asked him whether he had ever planned to tell me about the engagement. He said he had thought about it several times but didn’t know how to bring it up. He was afraid I would stop seeing him, and he didn’t want to lose what we had. That explanation made me even more upset. He was essentially admitting that he understood the truth might change my decision to continue seeing him, so he chose to keep it hidden. He wasn’t protecting my feelings. He was protecting his access to me.

I also started thinking about his fiancée. Before discovering the engagement, I had never thought about her because I genuinely didn’t know she existed. Now I couldn’t stop wondering what she believed about her own relationship. Was she planning a wedding while trusting that her future husband was completely faithful? Did she know he was spending time with another woman? Had he told her the same kinds of stories he had told me? I felt terrible for her, even though I had never met her. Neither of us deserved to be placed in a situation where we were making decisions without knowing the truth.

For the next few days, I found it difficult to concentrate on anything else. I kept replaying our conversations and remembering little details that suddenly seemed suspicious. There were times when he had disappeared for an entire evening and returned the next morning with a casual explanation. There were weekends when he said he was visiting relatives but never explained much about where he had been. I wondered whether those were the moments he was spending time with his fiancée or attending family events related to their wedding. I hated how one discovery had changed the meaning of so many memories.

He continued messaging me as though we could somehow return to normal. Sometimes he would send a simple greeting, and other times he would ask whether I was upset with him. I found those messages frustrating because he seemed more concerned about losing our connection than understanding the damage he had caused. He even suggested that we meet in person so he could explain everything properly. I considered agreeing because I wanted answers, but I also knew that listening to more explanations might only make it harder to walk away.

Eventually, I told him that I needed space and didn’t want him contacting me for a while. He responded by saying that I was making a decision without understanding his circumstances. He repeated that his engagement was complicated and that he had never intended for things to become this serious. I told him that the circumstances didn’t change the basic facts. He had been engaged for the entire time we were seeing each other, and he had deliberately allowed me to believe he was available. Whatever problems existed in his relationship were his responsibility to handle honestly.

One of the hardest things to accept was that I couldn’t simply switch off the feelings I had developed. Even after discovering the truth, I still remembered the good conversations, the laughter, and the moments when he had made me feel important. It was frustrating to realize that someone could be responsible for both genuinely happy memories and such a painful experience. I sometimes caught myself missing the person I thought he was, only to remind myself that I had never been given the complete truth about him.

I also began questioning my own judgment. I wondered whether I had been too trusting or whether I should have asked more questions earlier. Maybe I should have insisted on understanding his relationship status before allowing things to become so emotionally involved. But then I reminded myself that I had asked reasonable questions and had accepted the answers he chose to give me. Trusting someone doesn’t mean taking responsibility for the lies they decide to tell. I couldn’t have made an informed decision about our connection when he deliberately withheld the most important information.

There was also the question of whether I should contact his fiancée. I didn’t want to become involved in their relationship, but I couldn’t ignore the possibility that she was making major life decisions without knowing what had happened. If I were in her position, I would want to know the truth before getting married. At the same time, I was worried about how she might react. She could blame me, refuse to believe anything I said, or assume I was trying to interfere with their relationship. I didn’t know whether he had already prepared an explanation for anything she might discover.

I eventually realized that I needed to make decisions based on what I knew rather than what he promised might happen in the future. I didn’t need to wait for him to end his engagement, explain his family situation, or decide which relationship he wanted. I had never agreed to participate in a secret arrangement, and I wasn’t interested in competing with someone who didn’t even know there was another woman involved. Whatever his feelings were, his actions had shown me that he wasn’t being honest with either of us.

I also decided that if I contacted his fiancée, I would keep the conversation factual and respectful. I wouldn’t insult her, make assumptions about their relationship, or try to convince her to leave him. I would simply explain that I had been seeing him for nine months, share the relevant dates and messages, and let her decide what to do with that information. She deserved the opportunity to make her own decisions with the facts in front of her. I wasn’t responsible for the choices he had made, and I didn’t want to carry the burden of keeping his secret.

For now, I have stepped away from him and am trying to focus on getting my life back to normal. I know it will take time to stop thinking about everything that happened, especially because the relationship ended so differently from how I imagined it would. Nine months might not seem like a lifetime, but it was enough time for me to develop feelings, build expectations, and trust someone who turned out to be hiding an entire part of his life. I never wanted to be someone’s secret, and I certainly never wanted to unknowingly become involved in an engagement. I keep wondering whether I should tell his fiancée immediately, whether I should block him completely, or whether there is something important I haven’t considered. Am I wrong for wanting to expose the truth to his fiancée, even though I was unknowingly involved with him for nine months?