For nearly four years, 30-year-old Emily believed she and her boyfriend, Jason, were building a future together based on trust, respect, and open communication. They had discussed marriage countless times, browsed engagement rings during shopping trips, and even talked about buying a house after tying the knot. Emily thought they were simply waiting for the right moment to become engaged. Their friends often commented that they seemed like the perfect couple because they rarely argued and always appeared supportive of each other’s goals. While Emily knew Jason valued family traditions, she never imagined those traditions would eventually become more important to him than her own feelings or painful life experiences.

Emily had been estranged from her father, Richard, for almost twelve years. Throughout her childhood, Richard had been emotionally distant, unpredictable, and frequently absent from important milestones. After her parents divorced, his contact became even more inconsistent, and promises to visit or call were regularly broken. By the time Emily entered college, she decided it was healthier to stop chasing a relationship that only brought disappointment and emotional pain. Years of therapy helped her accept that she could move forward without seeking approval from someone who had repeatedly failed to be a dependable parent. Jason knew every detail of this history because Emily had trusted him with some of her most painful memories early in their relationship.

As their fourth anniversary approached, Emily quietly began expecting a proposal. Instead, during a casual dinner conversation, Jason admitted he had been delaying the engagement for one specific reason. He explained that before asking her to marry him, he wanted to meet Richard and receive his blessing. Jason insisted that asking a bride’s father for permission was an important family tradition and a sign of respect that he had always dreamed of following. Emily was stunned into silence. She reminded him that her father had not truly been part of her life for over a decade and that reconnecting with him would reopen emotional wounds she had worked incredibly hard to heal.

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Jason remained firm despite Emily’s emotional explanation. He argued that marriages should begin with family unity whenever possible and believed that someday Emily might regret excluding her father from such an important life event. Emily tried to explain that this was not a temporary disagreement but the result of years of neglect, broken promises, and emotional harm. She stressed that forgiveness did not require rebuilding a relationship and that her father’s approval held no meaning to her. However, Jason continued insisting that he could not move forward with a proposal until he had at least attempted to speak with Richard, believing it was simply the “right thing to do.”

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The disagreement quickly became the biggest conflict of their relationship. Emily felt deeply hurt that Jason appeared to value a symbolic tradition over her lived experiences and emotional well-being. She questioned why the opinion of a man who had abandoned his parental responsibilities mattered more than the wishes of the woman he claimed to love. Friends offered mixed opinions. Some believed Jason’s intentions were respectful and rooted in family values, while others argued that he was ignoring Emily’s clearly established boundaries. Emily began wondering whether Jason truly understood her or whether he had been imagining an idealized version of family that simply did not exist in her life.

Unable to resolve the issue on their own, Emily turned to an online relationship forum for outside perspectives. Thousands of readers weighed in, with many criticizing Jason for placing tradition above empathy and suggesting that a future spouse should respect personal boundaries, especially regarding painful family relationships. Others believed both partners needed a deeper conversation about expectations, values, and decision-making before considering marriage. As the responses poured in, Emily found herself asking a heartbreaking question she had never expected to face after four years together: Was she preparing to marry someone who genuinely accepted her past, or someone who expected her to rewrite it for the sake of tradition?

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I (25F) don’t want my boyfriend (25M) to ask for my hand in marriage.

I, 25F, have been dating my boyfriend, 25M, for almost 2 years now. We met in college and things have been an absolute dream so far. Hes kind and supportive, comes from a great background, and has always put me first. We’ve always known that we both want to get married someday and we’ve discussed at length what that means to us and our views align for the most part.

The problem is he wants to ask my incredibly abusive father for my hand in marriage. For context, my father was physically, emotionally, and financially abusive fo everyone in our household. I vividly remember the way the tone of the entire home shifted when we saw his car pull up in the driveway.

My parents never got divorced. They’re separated now but are more interested in keeping up appearances than actually going through the process of divorce. That being said, I had rather traumatic childhood. I don’t think my boyfriend understands this, as he grew up in a very loving and supportive two parent household. His parents do still very much in love today.

I feel like we have the same convo fairly often.

Me- “Oh, when are you going to ask?”

Him- “When I speak with your father.”

Me- “I don’t even speak to my father, and he hasn’t had a hand in raising me, outside of financial obligations, since late middle school. He literally moved out of our family home to get away from us. I don’t feel comfortable with that.”

Him- “Well, I’ve got to do it the right way. I’m still going to propose regardless, so it doesn’t even matter what his answer is.”

Me- “So why even do it?”

And then we go round and round in circles like that. My final stance is this: If after everything i’ve told you, you still feel the need to ask him and do it “the right way”, then you might as well just not propose.

Is this an unreasonable decision ??? I almost feel like he’s not convinced that he’s a bad person. I’ve already deemed my Dad undeserving of participating in this convo. Why can’t he accept that?

NOTE: OOP didn’t leave any comments

Final Update – after 2 months, 2 days

^{July 27, 2026}

UPDATE: I (25F) don’t want my boyfriend (25M) to ask for my hand in marriage.

Sooooo…. I ended up breaking up with him! I want to start off by saying thank you to anyone who replied to the last post. I’m someone who can be blinded by the good in people, but your comments put things into perspective for me.

I did end up showing him the post, and his initial reaction was that everyone commenting was a “single bitter bitch”… yeah. I had never heard him speak about anyone that way. I guess the mask finally dropped. A couple of hours after that, he ended up saying “fine, I won’t ask your dad, just your mom.” This was definitely just an attempt to save things since he could tell I was being distant with him.

We dated for about another two months after that. I know, I know. I was trying to find ways to mend things (because I’m a dummy). After the initial convo I went through a fast track of realizations and saw that we were so misaligned in so many different ways. I’m not even sure how we had made it as far as we did.

Eventually, it got to a point where I think he was just doing things to get me to break up with him since things clearly weren’t working out. Some of those things include :

• Taking a trip and staying with a friend that regularly cheats on her boyfriend.
• Saying “I didnt sign up for a therapy session” every time I would try to talk through things.
• Letting his phone die every time he went out.
• Being overly cautious with his phone when we were previously pretty lax about opening each others phones. (Not in a snooping way, mainly for finding documents, responding to text or emails for one another, etc.)

Unfortunately, the list goes on, but I’d rather not relive all of that! Clearly he got what he wanted and deserved though.

He did the standard “oh no, please, we can work this out” song and dance for a couple of weeks after I broke up with him before finally giving up. I’m clearly not great at picking them, but I’m glad that I was able to get out of there before 2 years became 10 years.

Again, thank you to anyone who gave advice on the original post. I really appreciate it! Im not much of a writer so i’m really sorry if this sucks! I hope this also answers a couple of questions(?) folks had in the comments of the original post.

NOTE: OOP didn’t leave any comments

Claire Thought She Had Finally Found the Man She Would Marry

At twenty-nine years old, Claire believed she had finally found the partner she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She and Ethan had been together for almost five years, building a relationship that seemed stable, supportive, and full of shared dreams. They had discussed marriage countless times, toured neighborhoods where they hoped to buy a home, and even joked about what their future children might inherit from each of them. Their families assumed an engagement was only a matter of time, and Claire felt confident that the next chapter of her life was just around the corner.

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Despite their happiness, Claire carried one painful chapter from her past that she rarely revisited. Her father, Michael, had abandoned the family when she was thirteen years old. Years of broken promises, missed birthdays, and emotional neglect had left wounds that never completely healed. After turning eighteen, Claire made the difficult decision to cut off contact entirely. Therapy helped her understand that protecting her own peace did not make her selfish, and over time she learned to live without expecting an apology that never came.

Ethan knew every detail of Claire’s childhood. She had trusted him enough to share memories she had hidden from almost everyone else. He comforted her whenever old emotions resurfaced and often reassured her that family was about love rather than blood. His compassion was one of the reasons Claire believed he would make a wonderful husband. Never once did he suggest reconnecting with her father or imply that their estrangement should be repaired.

As their fifth anniversary approached, Claire quietly began expecting a proposal. Friends teased her about possible engagement rings, and her mother hinted that Ethan had recently asked questions about family heirlooms. Every small surprise made Claire wonder whether the big moment had finally arrived. She never pressured Ethan because she respected that proposals should happen naturally, but she genuinely believed they were both ready.

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Instead of proposing, Ethan asked Claire to join him for dinner at her favorite restaurant. Throughout the evening he appeared unusually nervous, frequently pausing before speaking. Claire initially assumed he was preparing to ask the life-changing question she had been waiting for. Instead, Ethan admitted there was one important step he felt he needed to complete before buying a ring.

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Confused, Claire asked what he meant. Ethan hesitated before explaining that in his family, every man sought the bride’s father’s blessing before proposing. He described it as a meaningful tradition that symbolized respect and unity between families. He wanted to continue that tradition because it had been practiced for generations. The only problem, he admitted, was Claire’s estranged father.

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Claire stared at him in disbelief. She reminded Ethan that Michael had not been part of her life for more than fifteen years. He had missed graduations, birthdays, and every important milestone she could remember. The man Ethan wanted to impress was practically a stranger. She couldn’t understand why his opinion should matter more than hers.

Ethan calmly explained that he wasn’t asking Claire to rebuild her relationship with Michael forever. He only wanted one meeting so he could ask for permission before proposing. In his mind, honoring the tradition wasn’t about rewarding Michael’s behavior but about respecting the institution of marriage. He believed it would allow both families to move forward with fewer regrets.

Claire felt her heart sink. She explained that seeing her father again would reopen emotional wounds she had spent years trying to heal. Therapy had helped her establish healthy boundaries, and breaking those boundaries simply to satisfy an outdated custom felt deeply unfair. She couldn’t believe Ethan, who knew her history better than anyone, was asking this of her.

Their conversation quickly became emotional. Claire asked Ethan whether he truly believed a man who had abandoned his daughter deserved such an important role in her future. Ethan insisted it wasn’t about deserving anything but about showing respect regardless of past mistakes. Claire struggled to understand how respect could be owed to someone who had never shown any in return.

For several days they avoided discussing the issue. Claire hoped Ethan would reconsider after thinking about everything she had shared. Instead, he became even more convinced that asking for the blessing was necessary. He admitted he didn’t feel comfortable proposing until he had at least tried.

Claire confided in her mother, who was shocked by Ethan’s position. She reminded Claire how difficult those years had been after Michael left and questioned why anyone would expect her daughter to revisit such painful memories. Claire’s mother insisted that no tradition should outweigh a person’s emotional well-being.

Meanwhile, Ethan spoke with his own parents. His father supported the tradition but admitted that every family situation was different. His mother gently suggested that forcing Claire into contact with an absent parent could create lasting resentment. Although Ethan appreciated their opinions, he still believed he was doing what was morally right.

The disagreement soon affected everyday life. Conversations that once revolved around vacations and future plans now ended in uncomfortable silence. Claire noticed herself questioning whether Ethan truly understood her experiences or simply admired an ideal version of family traditions that didn’t match reality.

One evening Ethan suggested hiring a professional mediator or counselor if Claire felt uncomfortable meeting her father alone. He believed a controlled environment might make the conversation easier. Claire appreciated the thought but firmly rejected the idea, explaining that the issue wasn’t fear—it was the fact that she didn’t want a relationship at all.

Claire asked Ethan a question that left him speechless. If she had suffered abuse instead of abandonment, would he still insist on asking her father’s blessing? Ethan admitted the situations were different, but Claire argued that emotional neglect could leave scars just as deep. She wondered why her pain seemed negotiable simply because it wasn’t visible.

As weeks passed, Claire became increasingly uncertain about their future. Marriage was supposed to represent partnership, yet she felt as though Ethan was placing someone else’s feelings above hers. For the first time since they began dating, she questioned whether they truly shared the same values.

Ethan also struggled privately. He loved Claire deeply and couldn’t imagine life without her, but abandoning a tradition that had shaped his family’s values felt surprisingly difficult. He worried that skipping the blessing would disappoint relatives who viewed it as a sacred gesture.

Eventually the couple attended relationship counseling together. The therapist encouraged them to separate the meaning of the tradition from the specific circumstances surrounding Claire’s father. She emphasized that healthy relationships require flexibility, empathy, and respect for personal boundaries.

During one emotional session, Ethan finally realized that asking for Michael’s blessing unintentionally suggested Claire’s own decision wasn’t enough. That realization deeply unsettled him. He had never intended to diminish her independence, yet he could now understand why she felt hurt.

After many difficult conversations, Ethan apologized for allowing tradition to overshadow Claire’s lived experiences. He admitted he had been focused on fulfilling a lifelong expectation instead of considering how deeply personal the request was. Claire accepted his apology but explained that rebuilding trust would take time.

Several months later, Ethan proposed during a quiet weekend getaway without seeking anyone else’s permission. He told Claire that the only blessing he truly needed was her willingness to spend the rest of her life with him. Overcome with emotion, Claire said yes, knowing the proposal reflected mutual respect rather than outdated expectations.

Their journey taught both of them an important lesson: traditions can be meaningful, but they should never come at the expense of compassion or personal boundaries. A successful marriage is built not on satisfying customs for appearances, but on listening, understanding, and choosing each other even when long-held beliefs must evolve.