I never expected a simple favor for a friend to turn into one of the strangest arguments I had ever been involved in. My friend had recently become a mother, and while I understood that having a baby could completely change someone’s routine, I started noticing that her expectations of me were changing too. At first, the requests seemed normal. She would ask if I could pick something up while I was already at the store, watch her baby for a short time while she took a shower, or help carry a few things when she came over. I was happy to help because we had been friends for years, and I knew she was exhausted. I never expected anything in return. However, over time, the favors became more frequent, more demanding, and increasingly inconvenient. What bothered me most was that she stopped asking as though she were requesting a favor and started talking as if I was automatically responsible for helping her.

The situation became more obvious when she started making plans that depended entirely on me. One weekend, she casually mentioned that she needed me to watch her child for several hours because she had somewhere she wanted to go. I told her that I couldn’t because I already had plans and had made those plans weeks earlier. Instead of simply accepting my answer, she acted genuinely confused. She asked what could possibly be more important than helping her when she was dealing with a baby. I reminded her that I had responsibilities too and that I had already told her I wasn’t available. She then suggested that I should cancel my plans because she “didn’t ask for much.” I was honestly stunned by how casually she said it. I tried to explain that I didn’t mind helping sometimes, but I couldn’t rearrange my entire life whenever she needed something. She seemed offended by that and told me that real friends were supposed to support each other, especially when one friend had a child.

A few days later, things went even further. She contacted me with a list of things she wanted me to do for her, including picking up groceries, returning an item for her, and dropping off some baby supplies. When I said I could only help with one of those things, she became irritated and asked why I was suddenly being so difficult. I reminded her that I had never promised to be available whenever she needed me. She responded by saying that I was being selfish and that she had “enough on her plate” without having to worry about whether her friends were going to help. That comment really bothered me because I had helped her many times without complaining. I had brought meals over, bought things for the baby, listened to her when she was overwhelmed, and even changed my schedule on several occasions to make things easier for her. I wasn’t keeping score, but hearing her accuse me of not being supportive made me realize that none of those things seemed to matter to her. She had apparently started viewing my kindness as an obligation.

The final argument happened when she made what I thought was an absolutely unreasonable demand. She wanted me to change my plans for an upcoming event because she had decided she wanted to attend too, but she didn’t have anyone available to watch her child. Her solution was for me to take care of the baby for the entire time while she went out and enjoyed herself. I told her that I wasn’t comfortable agreeing to that, especially because it wasn’t something we had discussed beforehand. She became angry and said I was making her life harder. She told me that I should understand how difficult motherhood was and that I had no excuse for refusing. I finally stopped trying to explain myself and simply said, “I’m sorry, but no.” What surprised me was her reaction. She looked genuinely shocked, almost as if she had never considered that I might actually refuse her. She asked me how I could say no so easily after everything we had been through as friends. I told her that friendship didn’t mean one person could constantly demand things from another person. She accused me of changing and said she never would have expected this from me.

Since then, things between us have been awkward. She has apparently told some mutual friends that I abandoned her when she needed support, while I have tried not to turn the situation into a bigger fight. A couple of people told me that I should have helped because she is a new mother, while others privately admitted that her expectations had become unreasonable. I still care about her and genuinely hope she is doing well, but I also don’t think becoming a parent gives someone the right to control another person’s time. Helping a friend should be something you choose to do because you care about them, not something they can demand and then use against you when you say no. The hardest part is that I keep wondering whether I handled it too harshly or whether I should have been more patient with her situation. At the same time, I know that if I had agreed again, there probably would have been another request the next week. Maybe saying no wasn’t the end of our friendship, but it definitely forced both of us to see what our friendship had become.

Read Story…

EM wants me to be free full time childcare to her kids because I am at home (working)

So, I’m a stay at home mum to my one year old. Whilst staying at home I run the accounts side of my partners business. Invoicing, procurement, book keeping etc. Not masses of work but when the phone rings I answer it kind of stuff… OH would be the first to admit he’s useless at this.

A girl I met whilst pregnant who had her son roughly the same time as my youngest has just gone back to work after having two kids. We got pretty close during pregnancy, she’s a bit younger than me but she was helpful because she’s been through it before. Father of the kids left her a few months back…. and he works full time. Her mother was supposed to have her son and their 3 year old daughter from 10-2 everyday. However, that’s all fallen through and her mum didn’t actually quit her job as promised.

Whatsapp conversation as follows…

EM: my mums not going to be watching the kids anymore when I go back to work

Me: Oh no! That’s awful what are you going to do? Have you looked at nurseries?

EM: We can’t afford a nursery for two kids, I might as well not go to work for what it costs

Me: I know childcare is ridiculously expensive, might have more luck with a childminder?

EM: Any chance you could watch them for a few hours?

Me: Erm? I don’t mind helping out now and then if something comes up. But I can’t do everyday.

EM: What? But you said you’d always help if we needed?

Me: Yea, I meant if your mum was sick or busy? Not everyday.

EM: It’s only a few hours, they won’t be to much trouble. They will keep your LO occupied.

Me: It’s hard enough looking after my own and working, I really can’t manage three

EM: But you don’t work…

Me: I do spend a few hours a day keeping things running for OH

EM: Oh right… that. I don’t really see the problem, why can’t you watch them, it’s only a few hours.

Me: It’s four hours. It also means I can’t go anywhere because I can’t fit three car seats in my car.

EM: Well the only way I can work is if we have free childcare, so someone’s going to have to watch them for me. (She did the stupid shruggy arms emoji here too)

Me: I’m sorry, but I really can’t do it. It wouldn’t work.

EM: I really think you’re being unfair here. You’re not doing anything all day and you won’t even look after my kids for a few hours

Me: It’s not fair of you to expect me to watch your two kids, as well as my own, unpaid… five days a week. Whilst I also have to do all the admin for the business.

EM: Can’t you just pay someone to do that?

Me: Why should we pay someone to do something I’m currently doing at zero cost to us, so that I can watch your kids for free?

EM: Because I need your help. Funny how you can watch your own child but not mine.

Me: Looking after one kid is a lot different to three.

EM: I think you’re just being difficult because you don’t want to help me.

….

Etc. Etc. Conversation ended. Didn’t speak to her but saw a passive aggressive fb status about fake friends/ people who let you down…. Moron.

When Helping A Friend Started Feeling Like An Obligation

I never expected one of my closest friendships to become so uncomfortable simply because I finally said no. My friend had recently become a mother, and during the first few months, I tried my best to be understanding and supportive. I knew having a baby could completely change someone’s life, especially when they were exhausted, overwhelmed, and constantly dealing with responsibilities. I never expected her to handle everything perfectly, and I was more than willing to help when I could. At first, the favors she asked of me seemed completely reasonable. She might ask me to pick something up from the store, bring her dinner, or stay with the baby for a short time while she showered or ran a quick errand. I didn’t mind doing those things because she was my friend, and I genuinely wanted to make her life a little easier.

In the beginning, I never thought about keeping track of how often I helped her. If I was already going to the grocery store, picking up something for her wasn’t a big deal. If she needed food, I was happy to bring something over. There were even times when she called me late at night because she was stressed and needed someone to talk to. I listened because I knew motherhood wasn’t easy for her. She often told me that she felt like her entire identity had changed after having the baby, and I tried to reassure her that she was doing better than she thought. I wanted to be the kind of friend who showed up when things were difficult. Looking back, however, I think my willingness to help slowly created a problem because she began assuming that I would always say yes.

The first sign that something had changed was when her requests started becoming less like favors and more like instructions. Instead of asking whether I was available, she would sometimes message me and tell me what she needed me to do. One afternoon, for example, she sent me a long list of things she wanted picked up from the store. There were groceries, diapers, cleaning supplies, and several other items. I happened to be working that day and couldn’t go. I politely told her that I wasn’t available and suggested that she use a grocery delivery service. She responded with a simple question: “Why can’t you just do it?” I explained again that I was working and wouldn’t be able to leave. Rather than accepting the answer, she acted annoyed and said she didn’t understand why I was suddenly being “unhelpful.”

I remember staring at my phone because I genuinely didn’t know how to respond. Nothing had suddenly changed on my end. I still cared about her. I simply had my own responsibilities. I reminded her that I had helped her many times before and that I couldn’t always drop whatever I was doing whenever she needed something. She replied that she wasn’t asking me to do something difficult. That was when I realized she wasn’t really hearing what I was saying. The issue wasn’t whether the task was difficult. The issue was that she believed her request should automatically take priority over my plans.

A few weeks later, she asked me to babysit while she went out with some friends. I told her I couldn’t because I already had plans that evening. She immediately asked what my plans were. I didn’t think I owed her a detailed explanation, but I told her that I had arranged to meet someone for dinner. She responded that I could simply cancel because she “really needed a break.” I understood needing a break. I understood wanting to spend time with friends after becoming a mother. What I didn’t understand was why her need for a break automatically meant I had to cancel my own plans. I reminded her that I had made my plans weeks earlier, but she told me I should be more flexible because she had a baby and I didn’t.

That comment stayed with me for a long time. I didn’t have children, but that didn’t mean my time had no value. I had a job, personal commitments, family responsibilities, and a social life of my own. I also had things I was dealing with that she didn’t necessarily know about. I never expected her to cancel her plans for me simply because I needed help. Friendship was supposed to work both ways. I told her that I was sorry, but I couldn’t babysit that night. She replied with a long message about how disappointed she was in me. According to her, I had become selfish and didn’t understand what she was going through.

I decided not to argue with her because I didn’t want a small disagreement to become something bigger. I told her that I understood she was tired and that I would be happy to help another time if I was available. I thought that would be enough. Instead, she responded that she didn’t need “conditional help” from someone who was supposed to be her best friend. That phrase bothered me because I had never offered her unlimited help in the first place. Every favor I had done was voluntary. Somehow, she had turned my willingness to help into an expectation that I would always be available.

After that conversation, I started noticing other things. She began assuming I would attend appointments with her, pick up packages, return purchases, and occasionally watch her baby without much notice. Sometimes she would tell me the night before that she needed me somewhere the next morning. If I said I couldn’t make it, she would ask why. If I explained that I had work, she would tell me that I could ask for time off. If I said I already had another commitment, she would suggest moving it. It became exhausting having to defend every single boundary.

One Saturday morning, she called me while I was still getting ready for the day. She said she had forgotten to buy several things for the baby and wanted me to drive to the store immediately. I told her I could go later that afternoon, but I couldn’t leave right away. She sounded irritated and asked why I was making things complicated. I reminded her that I wasn’t sitting around waiting for instructions. She responded that she had assumed I would help because I had always helped before. That was exactly the problem. She wasn’t asking anymore. She was assuming.

I eventually had a conversation with another mutual friend about what was happening. I was careful not to make it sound like I was attacking her. I simply wanted to know whether I was being unreasonable. The mutual friend admitted that she had noticed similar behavior. Apparently, my friend had also been asking other people for increasingly large favors and becoming upset when they refused. Hearing that made me feel slightly better because I had started questioning my own judgment. Maybe I wasn’t imagining the change. Maybe the problem really was that she had become used to everyone accommodating her.

Still, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. She was a new mother, and I knew she was probably under a lot of pressure. I didn’t want to punish her for struggling. So when she asked me for help again, I agreed to something small. I brought over groceries and stayed for a while so she could take a shower. She thanked me and seemed genuinely grateful. For a moment, I thought maybe things were going back to normal.

Unfortunately, they weren’t. A few days later, she asked me to babysit again. This time, she gave me almost no notice. I had plans, so I said no. She became quiet and then asked whether I was angry with her. I told her I wasn’t angry, but I needed her to understand that I couldn’t always be available. She said she understood, but her behavior didn’t change.

The biggest problem came when she started planning an upcoming event. She wanted to attend a gathering with some friends, but she didn’t have anyone available to watch her baby. Instead of arranging childcare, she told me that I would watch the baby for her. I initially thought she was joking. When I asked what she meant, she explained that she expected me to take care of the baby for the entire time she was gone.

I told her that I couldn’t do it. She immediately asked why. I explained that I already had plans and didn’t want to spend several hours babysitting that day. She said I could change my plans. I reminded her that she had known about the event for weeks and could have arranged childcare herself. She became defensive and said she shouldn’t have to pay someone when she had friends who could help.

I asked her whether she had actually asked anyone else. She said she had, but everyone had “excuses.” That word really bothered me. Having work, appointments, family obligations, or personal plans wasn’t an excuse. Those were legitimate reasons. She seemed to believe that anyone who didn’t agree to help was simply choosing not to support her.

Then she made an even bigger demand. She told me that if I really cared about her, I would come to her house early, take care of the baby, prepare some food for her to have when she returned, and help clean up before leaving. I was speechless. This wasn’t a simple favor anymore. It sounded like she wanted me to become her unpaid assistant for the entire day.

I told her that I was sorry, but I wasn’t going to do that. She stared at me as though I had just said something completely unbelievable. She asked me whether I was serious. I said yes. She asked me again if I really intended to leave her without help. I reminded her that finding childcare was her responsibility, not mine.

Her reaction was completely disproportionate. She started crying and told me that motherhood had shown her who her real friends were. She said she had always been there for me and couldn’t believe I was refusing to help her when she needed me. I reminded her that I had supported her many times since the baby was born. I also told her that helping someone doesn’t mean agreeing to every demand they make.

She then brought up every favor she had ever done for me, including things that had happened years earlier. It felt like she had been keeping a secret record of our friendship. She mentioned one time when she drove me somewhere, another time when she brought me food, and several occasions when she had listened to me complain about personal problems. I told her I appreciated those things, but friendship wasn’t a debt that one person could collect whenever they wanted.

She accused me of becoming selfish. I told her that maybe I was finally learning how to set boundaries. That made her even angrier. She said she had never expected me to become “that kind of person.” I asked what kind of person she meant. She couldn’t really answer. She simply repeated that I was supposed to be her friend and that friends help each other.

I agreed with that statement, but I explained that helping each other doesn’t mean one person gets to demand whatever they want. A friend can ask for help, and the other person can say yes or no. Neither answer should destroy the friendship. She told me that was easy for me to say because I wasn’t a mother. I told her that I respected how difficult motherhood could be, but becoming a mother didn’t make her entitled to other people’s time.

After that conversation, she stopped speaking to me for several days. I didn’t chase after her because I needed some space too. Eventually, I heard from another friend that she had been telling people I had abandoned her. According to her version, she had desperately needed help and I had selfishly refused because I cared more about my own plans than her family.

I was tempted to defend myself to everyone, but I decided not to turn the situation into a larger drama. The people who actually knew me knew how much I had helped her. I also knew that constantly explaining myself would only make me more frustrated. If she wanted to tell people that I was selfish because I finally said no, there wasn’t much I could do about it.

Interestingly, some people took her side. One person told me that I should have helped because she was overwhelmed with a baby. Another said that I should be more compassionate because I didn’t know how difficult her situation was behind closed doors. I understood those arguments, but I still didn’t believe compassion meant sacrificing every boundary.

Other friends, however, completely agreed with me. One even admitted that she had stopped responding to my friend’s messages because the same thing had happened to her. She had once agreed to babysit for a few hours and ended up being expected to stay almost the entire day. When she complained, my friend apparently became angry with her too.

That information changed how I viewed the entire situation. Maybe this wasn’t simply about a stressed-out new mother. Maybe my friend had genuinely developed a sense of entitlement. Perhaps because people had been helping her so much, she had stopped seeing those favors as kindness and started seeing them as something she deserved.

Eventually, she contacted me again. Her message wasn’t exactly an apology, but it was calmer than our previous conversation. She said she missed how things used to be and didn’t want us to end our friendship over “one disagreement.” I told her that the disagreement wasn’t really the problem. The problem was the pattern that had developed between us. I said I would always be willing to help when I could, but I needed her to respect my answer when I couldn’t.

She didn’t respond immediately. A few hours later, she simply said she understood. I honestly don’t know whether she truly did or whether she just wanted the argument to end. Our friendship hasn’t completely returned to how it was before, and maybe that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I still care about her, and I still hope she is doing well as a mother, but I have learned that being a good friend doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for a friendship is finally say no—and accept that the other person might be shocked to discover that you actually mean it.