I never thought I would find myself in the uncomfortable position of worrying that one of my close friends might ruin a party because of her body odor. I know that sounds incredibly harsh, and I would never normally judge someone for something like that, but the smell had become impossible to ignore. My friend had always been someone I cared about, and we had known each other for years. Recently, however, I noticed that she had developed a very strong and unusual odor that seemed to follow her wherever she went. At first, I assumed she had simply forgotten to use deodorant or had been having a bad day. I didn’t want to embarrass her, so I said nothing. But over time, the problem became more noticeable, especially whenever we spent several hours together indoors.

The situation became much more complicated because I was planning a fairly important party at my home. I had invited several friends, including people my friend didn’t know very well, and I was excited about having everyone together. As the date got closer, I started worrying about whether the smell would become obvious to everyone. I felt terrible even thinking about it because I knew how humiliating it would be if someone made a comment in front of her. I also didn’t want to exclude her from the party simply because of something that might be outside her control. At the same time, I didn’t want guests leaving early or avoiding certain areas of my home because of an unpleasant smell. I felt trapped between wanting to protect my friend’s feelings and wanting everyone at the party to feel comfortable.

Before making any decision, I decided to talk to another close friend who also knew her. I carefully explained what I had noticed and asked whether she had experienced the same thing. To my surprise, she said she had noticed it too. She also said she had been wondering whether something was wrong but didn’t know how to bring it up without embarrassing her. That conversation made me realize that this probably wasn’t simply a matter of poor hygiene. The smell was unusually strong, and my friend appeared to be making an effort to stay clean. She showered, changed clothes, and seemed genuinely unaware of how noticeable the odor was. That made me feel even more uncomfortable because I began wondering whether there could be a medical or personal issue behind it.

Eventually, I decided that avoiding the subject wasn’t helping anyone. I asked my friend if we could talk privately and made sure we were somewhere nobody else could overhear us. I carefully told her that I had noticed a strong odor recently and that I was concerned something might be wrong. I emphasized that I wasn’t trying to insult her or accuse her of being unhygienic. I simply cared about her and thought she deserved to know because other people might notice it too. She initially became embarrassed and defensive, which I completely understood. But after a few minutes, she admitted that she had noticed something herself and had been struggling to figure out what was causing it. She then revealed that she had been dealing with a personal issue that she hadn’t told many people about, and that it could explain the unusual odor.

After hearing her explanation, I immediately felt guilty for assuming the worst. What I had viewed as a possible hygiene problem was actually connected to something much more complicated. She told me that she had been trying different ways to manage the situation but hadn’t been able to completely control it. Suddenly, the idea of excluding her from my party felt incredibly cruel. Instead of worrying about whether she would “ruin” the event, I started thinking about how difficult it must have been for her to live with the problem while knowing that people might judge her. I told her that she was still welcome at the party and that I would do whatever I reasonably could to make her comfortable. The situation taught me that sometimes an embarrassing problem has a story behind it that other people simply cannot see, and that a little compassion can be much more important than protecting a perfect social event.

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WIBTA if I uninvited a friend from a party because of her hygiene?

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/thepiratesovereign in r/amitheasshole

WIBTA if I uninvited a friend from a party because of her hygiene? – 12 August 2021

My friend Addy has always had a slight smell. She lives a bohemian lifestyle. As a result, she doesn’t always have a reliable place to do laundry or shower. She’s a fun person to hang out with, so I just accepted it as one her many quirks.

However, within the past eight weeks or so, the smell has become much worse. It’s an intense, musty odor that fills whatever small space we’re in and sticks to any cloth she comes into contact with. For example if Addy sat on my bed, I’ll have to strip the sheets to wash after she leaves, or the smell will stay in the room.

The last time she came over, my housemates complained that the smell drifted all the way downstairs from my room. Now that Addy’s problem is affecting the other people in my life, I have to acknowledge it.

Because the issue got worse within the past few months, it could be signs of a health issue (physical or mental.) I don’t know how I could ever bring up the smell with Addy herself. How can you broach a subject like that without utterly embarrassing the person?

So the asshole part: months ago, before the smell got worse, I invited Addy to a party I’m hosting. Now I’m concerned that her hygiene issues will impact the enjoyment of my other guests. Do I lie and tell her it’s cancelled/postponed and still hold it for my other friends? Or do I address the issue directly?

Verdict: YTA

EDIT:

Thank you to everyone who gave me the honest assessment that, yes, I would indeed be the asshole if I excluded my friend without explanation. I have a tough and uncomfortable conversation ahead of me but it’s one that needs to happen.

Thanks especially to those that offered gentle talking points. I sincerely hope the issue isn’t a symptom of something that requires treatment. If it is, then it is better to bring up sooner rather than never. If it isn’t, and just a matter of having access to cleaning facilities, I’ll check with my housemates before opening an invitation for Addy to use my own.

Thanks to everyone for your frank advice. It’s much appreciated.

UPDATE: WIBTA if I uninvited a friend from a party because of her hygiene? – 24 August 2021

I followed Reddit’s advice and took the issue to my friend directly.

I asked Addy to meet at a coffee house so we were on neutral ground. I decided to bring it up closer to the end of our meeting so she didn’t feel awkward through the rest of our catch-up.

I said, “Hey, I need to talk to you. Something has changed in the past few weeks and I wanted to make sure you’re okay. I’ve noticed a strong smell. Do you have a place to shower or do laundry? Do you need help?”

I let her know I felt the need to bring it up because I care for her, and as friends we need to look out for each other.

Addy was, as expected, mortified. It really hurt to see her so distressed. She apologized several times for causing ME discomfort. (She really is too nice.) She assured me that she did have access to those facilities and didn’t know what the cause of the smell might be.

Because she was assertive about wanting to solve this problem, I offered that maybe it was the new clothes she thrifted. Some garments require special care (like dry cleaning.) Addy said that was possible, and assured me that she was going to start working on a solution as soon as we said goodbye.

It was predictably awkward after the news broke. When I left, I was sure I lost a friend.

But since then, we’ve been texting jokes and personal updates as per usual. So I think we’re okay!

As for the problem, I don’t know if it’s been put to rest quite yet. We both got new jobs recently, and we won’t be able to see each other until right before the party. I should probably have another brief coffee date before then to see if Addy’s solution worked.

But, now that the subject has been breached, I feel better about bringing it up in the future (if needed.) Especially because Addy will know where I’m coming from: a place of love and concern.

Thanks to everyone for your frank assessments before and your very helpful advice. I’m really glad I listened.

UPDATE:

I saw Addy recently, and… the smell is gone! She asked me if I could still detect it and, when I said I didn’t, told me that she had laundered her entire wardrobe. So it seems the issue was indeed laundry-based. We’re both really excited for the party and I’m so glad that she’ll be there. I think in a weird way, being honest about the situation actually made us closer as friends. Thanks again everyone!

Reminder – I am not the original poster.

When A Friend’s Odor Became Impossible To Ignore

I never thought I would find myself worrying that one of my closest friends might ruin a party because of her body odor. Even writing that sentence makes me feel terrible because I know how cruel it sounds. I have never been the kind of person who judges others for their appearance, hygiene, or personal problems. Everyone has bad days, and sometimes people go through things that affect how they look or smell. But in this situation, the odor had become so strong that it was impossible to ignore. It wasn’t something I noticed once and forgot about. It had been happening repeatedly, and I eventually realized that other people were noticing it too.

My friend and I have known each other for several years. We aren’t the kind of friends who talk every single day, but we’ve always been close. We have attended birthdays together, gone shopping, had dinners, and supported each other during difficult periods. She has always been kind to me, which made the situation even harder. I didn’t want her to think that I suddenly considered her disgusting or that I was judging her. I cared about her, and that was actually the reason I felt I needed to figure out what was happening.

The first time I noticed the smell, I assumed it was temporary. We had met for coffee, and after sitting together for a while, I noticed a strong odor around her. I didn’t say anything because I thought maybe she had been outside in the heat or had come directly from work. I figured it would disappear the next time I saw her.

Unfortunately, it didn’t. The next few times we met, I noticed the same smell. It seemed particularly strong indoors, especially when we were sitting close together. I tried not to react because I didn’t want to embarrass her. I even wondered whether I was imagining it or simply becoming overly sensitive to a smell that other people weren’t noticing.

Eventually, I realized I wasn’t imagining it. During one gathering, another friend quietly opened a window after my friend left the room. Nobody said anything directly, but the reaction was noticeable. That was when I understood that other people were aware of the problem too.

Despite this, my friend didn’t seem to realize how noticeable the odor had become. She continued behaving normally and never mentioned anything about it. I started wondering whether someone should tell her. At the same time, I couldn’t imagine how I would react if someone pulled me aside and told me that I smelled terrible.

The timing became especially difficult because I was planning a party at my house. It wasn’t an enormous event, but it was important to me. I had invited several friends, including some people who didn’t know each other very well. I had spent weeks planning the food, decorations, seating, and activities.

I invited my friend because excluding her felt wrong. She was part of our social circle, and I didn’t want her to feel unwanted. But as the party got closer, I started worrying about what would happen if the odor was as strong as it had been during our recent meetings.

I felt horrible even having that thought. I didn’t want to reduce my friend to a smell or make her feel like she was a problem that needed to be removed. At the same time, I couldn’t ignore the possibility that guests might notice and become uncomfortable.

I talked about the situation with another close friend who knew her well. I was extremely careful with my words because I didn’t want the conversation to turn into gossip. I simply asked whether she had noticed anything unusual recently.

She immediately knew what I was talking about. She admitted that she had noticed the odor several times but had also been too uncomfortable to mention it. That actually made me feel somewhat relieved because it confirmed that I wasn’t imagining the problem.

However, my friend also pointed out something I hadn’t considered. She said that our friend seemed to be making an effort. She had seen her shower before meeting people, and she knew that she regularly changed her clothes. That made us wonder whether the odor might be caused by something beyond ordinary hygiene.

We discussed whether there could be a medical issue involved. Neither of us wanted to speculate about her health, but the situation seemed unusual enough that we felt there might be an explanation. Still, we agreed that it wasn’t our place to diagnose her.

A few days before the party, I decided that I couldn’t keep avoiding the conversation. I asked my friend if we could talk privately. My heart was pounding because I knew there was no perfect way to say what I needed to say.

I started by telling her that I cared about her and wasn’t trying to embarrass her. Then I explained that I had noticed a strong odor recently and that I was worried something might be wrong. I made it clear that I wasn’t accusing her of being dirty or careless.

Her face immediately changed. She looked embarrassed and asked whether other people had noticed. I didn’t want to lie to her, so I admitted that I believed a few people had. She became quiet and looked down at the floor.

For a moment, I thought she was going to become angry with me. Instead, she told me that she already knew something was wrong. She said she had been struggling with the problem for some time and had been trying different things to control it.

She then explained that the odor wasn’t simply because she wasn’t showering or using deodorant. She had been dealing with a personal problem that was affecting her body in a way she couldn’t completely control. She had already tried several solutions and was extremely embarrassed about it.

Hearing that completely changed how I viewed the situation. I immediately felt guilty for spending so much time worrying about whether she would ruin my party. I hadn’t known what she was dealing with, and I had unconsciously assumed that the problem was something she could simply fix.

She admitted that she had considered avoiding social events because she was afraid people would notice. She said there had been moments when she could see people reacting to her and then quietly moving away. She didn’t know whether they were reacting to the smell or simply imagining that they were.

That broke my heart. I realized that while I had been worrying about my guests being uncomfortable for one evening, my friend had potentially been dealing with embarrassment and anxiety every time she left her home.

I told her that she was still invited to my party and that I wasn’t going to exclude her. I also told her that if she ever needed someone to talk to, she could come to me without worrying about being judged. She thanked me, although I could tell she was still embarrassed.

The party eventually arrived, and I tried not to make the situation into something bigger than it needed to be. My friend came, and I made sure she had a comfortable place to sit and didn’t feel singled out. I also kept the room well ventilated, something I had planned to do anyway because there were many guests.

Interestingly, nobody made any rude comments. Maybe the smell wasn’t as noticeable that day, or perhaps everyone simply decided to be respectful. My friend seemed much more relaxed as the evening went on.

Looking back, I realize how easy it is to judge someone when you don’t know what they are dealing with. I initially worried that my friend’s problem would ruin an event that I had worked hard to organize. But after learning the truth, I felt ashamed that I had allowed myself to think about her that way.

I still believe it was appropriate to speak to her privately rather than allowing people to whisper behind her back. If I had ignored the situation completely, she might never have realized how noticeable the problem was. But I also learned that difficult conversations need to come from a place of compassion rather than embarrassment or frustration.

Most importantly, I learned that there can be a story behind something that looks simple from the outside. A person who appears careless may