The woman had always considered herself a friendly and professional person at work. She got along with most of her coworkers, tried to help when someone needed assistance, and rarely allowed personal disagreements to interfere with her job. However, one coworker had gradually started making her uncomfortable with the way he spoke to her. Whenever they crossed paths, he would comment on her appearance, tell her how beautiful she looked, or casually ask why she wasn’t smiling. At first, she tried to ignore it because she didn’t want to create unnecessary tension in the workplace.

What bothered her most was that the comments became almost routine. If she walked into the office without smiling, he would immediately point it out. If she was concentrating on her computer, he might interrupt her to say that she would look much prettier if she smiled. Sometimes he would compliment her appearance in front of other coworkers, making her feel embarrassed rather than flattered. She tried responding politely and changing the subject, hoping he would eventually understand that she wasn’t interested in those kinds of comments. Instead, he seemed to interpret her politeness as encouragement and continued doing it.

Over time, the constant remarks began to affect her mood at work. She felt as though she was being treated differently simply because she was a woman, and she became increasingly frustrated with the expectation that she should always look pleasant for someone else’s benefit. There were days when she was tired, stressed, or dealing with personal problems, and the last thing she wanted was for a coworker to tell her to smile. She also couldn’t understand why he felt entitled to comment on her facial expression or appearance in the first place. Despite her growing frustration, she continued trying to avoid confrontation because she didn’t want the situation to become a bigger workplace issue.

Eventually, the coworker made another comment that pushed her past her limit. Once again, he called her beautiful and then asked why she wasn’t smiling. Instead of laughing it off or walking away, she finally told him exactly how she felt. She explained that she wasn’t at work to look attractive or keep a smile on her face for him, and that his repeated comments had become uncomfortable and unwelcome. She reminded him that they were coworkers and that she expected their conversations to remain professional. Her response was much more direct than anything she had said before, and the sudden change in her tone caught him completely off guard.

Afterward, she wondered whether she had been too harsh, especially because workplace relationships can become complicated after a confrontation. Some coworkers understood why she finally spoke up, while others believed she could have handled the situation more quietly. For her, however, the issue wasn’t one isolated compliment—it was the repeated pattern of being told how she should look, behave, and present herself. She felt that setting a clear boundary was necessary after her previous attempts to ignore the behavior had failed. The experience left her questioning why something as simple as asking someone to stop commenting on their appearance could become such a difficult workplace issue.

Read Story…

Me [22 F] with my coworker [50s M]. He won’t stop making inappropriate comments to me and he finally crossed a line this morning. I don’t know what the best way to deal with this is

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ughsomeonehelp

Me [22 F] with my coworker [50s M]. He won’t stop making inappropriate comments to me and he finally crossed a line this morning. I don’t know what the best way to deal with this is.

TRIGGER WARNING: sexual harassment, misogyny

Original Post  Oct 11, 2016

Hey relationships!

I’ve posted here once or twice before and you guys really helped in providing me with some outside perspectives and unbiased advice, so I thought I’d post here before taking any action in my current situation.  Thanks in advance for anything you guys might have for me.

I started working for a new company back in February of this year.  I enjoy the job, nothing glamorous but it pays the bills (ha-ha, I’m an accountant, I make joke).  Anyway there is this guy, Craig, who has been way too friendly.  Craig is in his 50s, divorced, has 3 kids, rides a bike to work, wears the same 5 Family Guy shirts to work every week.  He’s a nice enough guy I guess, just kind of weird.  But hey, I like Family Guy so whatever.  For reference, Craig and I work in different departments but occasionally I have to ask him a question or interact with him in some way or another.

It started with Craig going out of his way to talk to me via our office instant messenger asking me about my personal life like what I did the past weekend, or have I tried this restaurant or that restaurant or whatever. I was kind of glad to have someone to talk to since I was new at this company and hadn’t made many friends yet, but I never told him too much personal info, and made sure to subtly mention that I had a boyfriend.  Either he didn’t get the hint, or he just ignored it.  He started telling me things like “you’re beautiful” and the usual creep-o line “Why don’t you smile more?” and things like that.  I was always polite but my responses would be things like “I know I am, thanks.” Or “Too much work to smile today.”  Anyway, he’s always saying this type of shit and nobody else really seems to be bothered by it.  The department I work in is all men except for me, so maybe they don’t realize how inappropriate Craig is being?  I don’t know.  I also don’t know if he acts this way with any of the other women in the office.

SO ON TO TODAY’S ISSUE.  I walked into work and on my way to my desk noticed someone brought in donuts for all of us.  I was in the break room, pondering my choices between maple bar and lemon filled (I went with the maple bar), and Craig walks in and starts his usual shtick “Good morning beautiful.”  I cheerfully replied “Good morning!  Can’t decide which donut I want.”  And this fuckin guy comes up behind me, rubs my back, and in a half-whispery kind of voice says “You deserve to have two.”  Now, I do not like being touched.  I don’t like hugs, I don’t really like to cuddle, I just don’t like it.  I especially don’t like being touched by older men that I don’t know and who were not invited to touch me.  I think Craig could sense that I was uncomfortable and he said “Oops, I totally just invaded your personal space.  My bad!” and then walks off.

I’m honestly kind of pissed off about the whole thing, because what a fucking douche bag, right?  I don’t need someone else to tell me I’m beautiful or tell me that I need to smile more, or any of that shit.  He could play it off as totally innocent and friendly, but it feels sinister to me.  He wouldn’t tell Bob from accounting “Good morning, handsome!”, so why would it be okay to say the exact same shit to me?  Why couldn’t he say to me “Hey, great job on that project you just finished.” Instead of constantly commenting on my looks?  It’s just gross.  I dread coming to work sometimes because I have to deal with this gross, misogynistic bullshit. 

I want to march into HR and let them know about my concerns, but I’m not sure what the aftermath would look like.  I don’t want him to get fired, I just want him to leave me alone.  Should I ask some other girls around the office if they have ever experienced this with Craig?  Should I go to HR at all?  What should I expect to happen when I do go to HR?  Has anybody else ever dealt with this, and what action did you take or not take?  Our HR rep is my direct supervisor, so we spend a considerable amount of time working together and we have a good relationship, if that matters.

Really any advice on what to say or what to expect would be so great.  I’m just not sure what to do right now.

TLDR;  There is a dude at my office who keeps flirting with me and can’t take a hint.  He rubbed my back this morning, uninvited, and I’ve reached the end of my patience with this.  Should I go to HR and let them know what is going on?  And if I do make a complaint, what can I expect?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

owls_and_cardinals

Yes you should go to HR. Simply tell them you’ve been slightly uncomfortable in interactions with Craig but have tried to keep it positive and professional, and that today it escalated. Most likely it will result in him having a warning and of all employees being reminded of the policies around professional conduct, physical interactions and sexual harassment.

I think it is important that this be reported because quite possibly many women are encountering the same thing with him, or could in the future, and your input could help ensure he is appropriately disciplined if that is the case. Don’t assume it is just you or is harmless, and don’t worry about what might happen to him. Just tell the truth and let HR/management deal with it.

EDIT: I meant also to say that it would be best if you could tell him directly that you dislike some of these things. When he calls you beautiful, say “I don’t want you to call me that. Please just call me <insert name>.” When asks why you don’t smile, tell him “I’m sure you don’t mean to be offensive but I really find that question sexist and insulting.”

OOP

That is exactly what I’m worried about , that other women are experiencing the same thing and it is just going unreported.

Regarding your edit, that is exactly what I want to say every single time.  But when it is actually happening, I kind of freeze up and can’t make the words come out.  So I just nervously laugh it off and get out of there as quickly as possible.  A lot of people are commenting and saying that I need to deal with it myself first by talking to him directly, I just don’t know how to do that.  I know the words, I just can’t make myself say them no matter how much I want to.

EDIT

WOW you guys, I did not expect such a huge response.  Thank you SO much to those who took the time to offer advice and even share some of your own experiences with me.  I’m sorry I wasn’t able to reply to all of you, but I have read all your comments (even the salty ones), and I will be considering all of them when deciding my next move.  Seriously thank you, guys.  Posting here not only provided some wonderful thinking points and unbiased perspectives, but it also enabled me to take a step back and clear my head before taking action, and for that I am grateful!  I will be sure to post an update later this week after everything gets sorted out.

Update – rareddit  Oct 14, 2016 (3 Days later)

Hi everyone 🙂

I posted here earlier this week and got such a huge response that I thought I’d post an update. I want to thank you guys so much for all your feedback and advice. My usual modus operandi would have been to run to management all guns a-blazin’, throwing around words like “sexual harassment” and “hostile work environment” without thinking of what the consequences would have been. So thank you, internet friends, for helping me to take a step back and consider all my options before making any moves. ALSO BIG SHOUT OUT TO THE NICE LADY WHO RECOMMENDED SOME READING MATERIAL ON THE SUBJECT – YOU TOTALLY GET ME.

Lastly, I want to take a second to mention a piece of my story that stood out to me a lot, but I don’t think I emphasized enough in my original post. The incident sort of revolved around me making a donut selection, with Craig coming up behind me and saying “You deserve to have two.” This was creepy in and of itself, but it felt exceptionally personal and invasive for the following reason: I am overweight. I am not fat, but I am overweight in a curvy/baby-got-back kind of way. I strongly felt that Craig’s suggestion that I “deserved two” donuts was a nod to my body type, especially since he was touching me while he said it. This is the biggest reason I was and am still so angry.

ANYWAY, the update.

I ended up sending Craig an email. I wanted to address it myself, like a lot of you suggested, but I also wanted to start a paper trail, just in case.

“Craig,

I want to take the time to address your behavior in the break room yesterday. I want to be crystal clear that I did not like that you invaded my personal space, or that you felt it would be okay for you to touch my back the way you did. It was extremely inappropriate for the work place and made me very uncomfortable. Further, please do not make any more comments regarding my appearance. Calling me beautiful is neither professional or appropriate. These comments demean and degrade any professional qualities I may possess, which is not okay. Going forward, I would prefer you keep any interaction with me strictly professional, and I expect my personal space to be respected at all times. I hope you will take these concerns to heart, and that we can move forward professionally without any awkwardness.

Thank you,

OP”

I then printed the email, and went to talk to my manager about it. I explained the situation to him and gave him a copy of the email. He asked if I wanted management to intervene, but I told him that for now I had handled it myself, but that if Craig didn’t back off that I would expect him to step in. I asked that he make an incident report to be kept on file, in the event that anyone else ever makes a similar complaint. Surprisingly, my manager told me that no one else had ever made a similar complaint against Craig, at least not in the 5 or so years that he has been with the company.

Craig replied to my email saying “I agree, and I will behave appropriately from now on. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.” And that was that. I did have to briefly speak to him twice yesterday, and while it was a little uncomfortable, the interactions were strictly work related and he has left me alone otherwise. I hope this will continue and I won’t have to worry about it anymore.

Thanks again, guys. I am taking this whole thing as a learning experience. I am going to practice being more assertive, and try worrying less about being polite or being well-liked.

TLDR; I sent Craig an email that outlined all my concerns and my expectations for professionalism going forward. It was relatively well received. I spoke to management about the incident and asked that my email to him be kept on file in the event that anyone else makes a similar complaint. Craig has pretty much left me alone since. I am going to work on being more assertive going forward.

FINAL COMMENTS

when someone said Craig got off scott-free

Well, I wasn’t looking to get him fired.  This is the first time he’d ever tried to physically touch me, so I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that MAYBE he’s so socially inept that he didn’t know he was creeping me out. In all honesty, I think he’s a fucking creep who knew exactly what he was doing, but like I said, this was the first time and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. If his nonsense continues, though, best believe I will make a much, MUCH bigger fuss.

I don’t think he got off scott-free, either. I made a formal complaint that is now on record, and I felt like that was enough.  He gets a warning, next time he gets nuclear.  I’m happy with the outcome.

~

drleospacemandds

Kudos on a very professional response to a shitty situation.

I’m hoping that that email led him to have an “Oh shit I could lose my job if this continues” moment and that you don’t have any problems in the future.

[deleted]

I have encountered this particular type of misogyny before as a woman working in engineering. There are dudes who are otherwise completely normal and reasonable people who just let the weirdest shit fly out of their mouths… but when it is drawn to their attention, have the decency to at least reflect and be embarrassed by their actions. There is no malice in this misogyny, they’ve just never thought it through before and have absolutely never considered how the shit they say might land. I am loathe to excuse any kind of behaviour like this, so I won’t. But I will say that guys like this are universally easier to work with after the issue is brought to their attention. I really hope Craig is this type and it sounds like he just might be.

sunsetpark12345

I have a different take on this situation. I think Craig and guys like him probe to see how far they can push an individual before there are imminent consequences, and as soon as they are met with resistance, search for a new victim. That’s why his behavior kept escalating, albeit slowly. OP, you may want to keep your eyes out for any female employees who seem meek or vulnerable (do you ever get young interns?), and give them a heads up. Those are the ones he’ll go after, I guarantee it.

OOP

I share this opinion. We actually just got a new girl who is already pretty shy to begin with, so I’ll try to keep an eye on her.  Thank you for mentioning this!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP’s OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER – RULE 7

Woman Tries To Stay Professional As Coworker’s Comments About Her Appearance Become Uncomfortable

The woman had always tried to maintain a friendly and professional relationship with everyone at her workplace. She believed that getting along with coworkers made the environment easier for everyone, so she usually avoided unnecessary arguments or personal conflicts. However, one coworker gradually began making comments about her appearance that she found increasingly uncomfortable.

Advertisement

At first, she didn’t think much of it. Whenever they passed each other in the office, he would compliment her by calling her beautiful. Sometimes she would simply smile politely and continue with whatever she was doing. She assumed he was trying to be friendly and didn’t want to make a big issue out of a few casual comments.

The problem was that the comments didn’t stop. Instead, they became a regular part of their interactions. Almost every time he saw her, he seemed to have something to say about how she looked. Even when she was busy working, he would find a reason to comment on her appearance.

One of his favorite things to say was that she should smile more. If she walked into the office looking serious, he would immediately ask her why she wasn’t smiling. If she was concentrating on her computer, he might tell her that she looked much prettier when she smiled.

Initially, she tried to laugh it off. She didn’t want to embarrass him or create tension between coworkers. She would give a short response, change the subject, or simply walk away. In her mind, she hoped he would eventually realize that she wasn’t interested in hearing those comments every day.

Unfortunately, he seemed completely unaware of how uncomfortable she was becoming. Because she hadn’t directly confronted him, he apparently assumed that his behavior didn’t bother her. The more she ignored him, the more comfortable he became with making similar remarks.

There were also times when he made these comments in front of other coworkers. That made the situation even more uncomfortable for her. She didn’t want attention drawn to her appearance, especially while she was simply trying to do her job.

She began noticing that he rarely spoke to her the same way he spoke to male coworkers. He didn’t constantly tell them to smile or comment on whether they looked attractive that day. This made her question why he believed he had the right to monitor her expression.

One morning, she arrived at work after having a particularly stressful start to the day. She had several deadlines to deal with and was already mentally exhausted. She sat down at her desk and immediately began working, hoping to get through everything without distractions.

Not long afterward, the coworker walked past her desk. As usual, he looked at her and made a comment about how beautiful she was. She gave him a brief response and continued looking at her computer.

He then asked her why she wasn’t smiling.

She initially ignored the question. She thought that if she didn’t respond, the conversation would end. Instead, he repeated himself and jokingly suggested that she needed to smile because she looked much nicer when she did.

That was the moment her patience finally ran out.

She turned toward him and calmly but firmly told him that she was tired of hearing comments about her appearance. She explained that she came to work to do her job, not to provide someone with a pleasant face to look at throughout the day.

The coworker appeared surprised by her reaction. He tried to explain that he was only complimenting her and that he didn’t mean anything inappropriate by it. According to him, he was simply trying to be nice and thought she was taking his comments too seriously.

She disagreed.

She explained that compliments are not automatically welcome simply because the person giving them has good intentions. What bothered her was the repetition and the expectation that she should smile whenever he wanted her to.

She also told him that nobody should feel obligated to change their facial expression simply because another person prefers seeing them smile. She pointed out that people have bad days, stressful days, tired days, and quiet days, and none of those things require an explanation.

The conversation attracted some attention from nearby coworkers. Some people became quiet when they realized that the situation was more serious than they had previously understood. Others later approached her privately and admitted that they had noticed his comments before but hadn’t realized how much they bothered her.

The coworker eventually apologized. He said he hadn’t understood that she disliked the comments and promised to stop making remarks about her appearance. Although she appreciated the apology, she still felt frustrated that she had needed to reach the breaking point before he took her discomfort seriously.

Afterward, she thought about all the times she had stayed silent because she didn’t want to appear rude. She realized that trying to keep the peace had allowed the behavior to continue for much longer than she wanted.

She also wondered whether she should have addressed the problem much earlier. Instead of repeatedly hoping he would understand subtle signals, she could have clearly told him that the comments made her uncomfortable from the beginning.

At the same time, she didn’t believe that she was responsible for managing his feelings. She felt that once someone says they are uncomfortable with a particular type of comment, the appropriate response is to respect that boundary rather than argue about the person’s intentions.

The experience also changed how she viewed workplace interactions. She became more aware of how seemingly harmless comments could become uncomfortable when they were repeated over and over again. What might seem like a simple compliment to one person can feel intrusive when another person has clearly indicated that they don’t want it.

Her coworkers also seemed to learn something from the incident. A few of them told her that they understood why she finally spoke up. They said that nobody should have to pretend to be comfortable simply to avoid making another person feel awkward.

In the end, the situation wasn’t really about whether she was beautiful or whether she smiled enough. For her, it was about having control over how people interacted with her at work. She wanted to be treated as a colleague rather than someone whose appearance and facial expressions were constantly open for discussion.

She didn’t regret finally speaking up. Although she wished the situation had never become so uncomfortable, she felt relieved that she had clearly communicated her boundaries. From that point forward, she hoped their relationship could remain professional, respectful, and focused on the work they were actually there to do.