Twenty-seven-year-old Emily had always believed that honesty was one of the most important parts of a serious relationship. She did not expect her boyfriend, Jason, to tell her every tiny detail of his day, but she believed they should never deliberately blame each other for decisions neither person had made. They had been together for nearly three years and had built a comfortable routine. They shared meals, spent weekends together, and often talked about their future. Jason had a close group of friends, and Emily had always respected those friendships, especially his relationship with his longtime best friend, Ryan. The two men had known each other since college and had remained close through jobs, relationships, and major life changes. Emily had never had a problem with Ryan visiting their home, even though she sometimes found the two men’s friendship a little intense. So when Jason suddenly told Ryan that Emily would never agree to let him stay with them, Emily was completely shocked. She had never been asked about it, and she certainly had never said no.

The situation started when Ryan unexpectedly found himself without a place to live. His lease had ended, and the apartment he expected to move into was suddenly unavailable because the landlord delayed the move-in date. Ryan told Jason that he needed somewhere to stay temporarily, perhaps for a few weeks while he sorted everything out. Jason initially sounded sympathetic and told his friend that he would see what he could do. Later that evening, however, Jason told Emily that Ryan had asked to move into their home and that he had already turned him down because he knew Emily would not be comfortable with it. Emily was confused. She immediately told Jason that he had never asked her. Jason brushed it off and said he already knew her answer because she had previously complained about having too many people in the house. Emily reminded him that complaining about unexpected guests was not the same as refusing to help a friend in an emergency. She asked why he had not simply discussed it with her. Jason became defensive and insisted that he was only trying to avoid an argument. Emily could tell that something about his explanation did not feel right, but she initially decided not to make a bigger issue out of it.

A few days later, Emily happened to speak with Ryan directly. During the conversation, Ryan thanked her for supposedly being honest about not wanting him in the house. Emily immediately stopped him and asked what he meant. Ryan explained that Jason had told him very clearly that Emily had said absolutely no to the idea and that Jason did not want to go against her wishes. Emily was stunned. She told Ryan that she had never been asked and had never given such an answer. Ryan looked embarrassed and admitted that he had believed Jason because Jason had repeatedly described Emily as the reason he could not offer him a place to stay. Emily suddenly realized that Jason had not simply misunderstood her. He had deliberately used her as an excuse so he would not have to tell his best friend that he did not want him living with them. She asked Ryan exactly what Jason had said, and the more details she heard, the angrier she became. Jason had apparently told Ryan that Emily was extremely strict about their home and would become upset if another person stayed there. In reality, Emily had never expressed anything close to that. She began wondering why Jason was so afraid to tell Ryan the truth.

When Emily confronted Jason, he initially tried to deny that he had lied. He claimed that he had only assumed she would say no. But Emily pointed out that there was a huge difference between making an assumption and telling someone that their girlfriend had already rejected the idea. Eventually, Jason admitted that he simply did not want Ryan moving in. He knew Ryan was disorganized, often stayed up late, and had a habit of leaving his belongings everywhere. Jason worried that having his best friend as a roommate would damage their friendship, but instead of being honest with Ryan, he chose the easiest excuse. He blamed Emily because he believed Ryan would be less likely to argue with a decision if he thought Emily had made it. Jason apologized and said he never intended to make Emily look controlling. Emily told him that intention was not the issue. The problem was that he had damaged her reputation to protect himself from an uncomfortable conversation. She explained that she could have accepted him saying, “I don’t want Ryan living with us,” but she could not accept being turned into the villain so he could avoid responsibility for his own decision.

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The incident changed the way Emily viewed their relationship. She realized that the biggest problem was not whether Ryan stayed in their home for a few weeks. It was that Jason had been willing to sacrifice her reputation instead of simply standing behind his own decision. After several difficult conversations, Emily told Jason that she needed stronger boundaries and complete honesty going forward. She also contacted Ryan and clarified that she had never rejected him or asked Jason to refuse his request. Ryan eventually understood what had happened and appreciated Emily being honest with him. Jason had to take responsibility for the situation and apologize to both of them. For Emily, the experience became an important lesson about relationships: a partner should never use you as a shield to avoid difficult conversations. If someone makes a decision, they should have the courage to own it themselves. Emily did not need Jason to agree with every person in his life, and she certainly did not expect him to let anyone move into their home without discussion. All she wanted was honesty. And from that point forward, she made it clear that if Jason ever had to tell someone “no,” he needed to use his own name instead of hiding behind hers.

Read Story…

AITA for telling my bf’s best friend the truth about why he can’t live with us [Super Long] [Part 1]

September 22, 2024

I (24F) live with my boyfriend (25M) in a two bedroom apartment in a major city, however, we have been fighting for almost a week because of a decision I made spitefully, and therefore, I may be TA. It’s a small apartment, impossible to avoid him for much longer, so I really need a third party opinion on the matter.

For some background, we’ve been officially dating since we moved in together two years ago when I graduated from uni, but we were hooking up for about a year before then. During that year we weren’t ‘together’, my bf (let’s call him Sam) and his best friend (let’s call him Max) were living together in this house. Max (27M) has been my bf’s friend for years and is basically like an older brother to him. We’ve never really gotten along, but please believe me I have tried. It’s just that Max never seems interested in getting to know me, or at worst gets genuinely annoyed by me interacting with him. Sam thinks it’s probably the age difference (me being 24 and him being 27) that makes him not very interested in getting to know me – but I think that if he can get on with Sam despite the 2 year age gap then what’s the problem with getting on with his girlfriend, age gap aside?

Anyway, it’s besides the point, but I think pretty relevant for the actual argument. Basically, Max recently broke up with his girlfriend and since he was living with her she (rightfully) kicked him out. Now before you ask, no I have no idea why he thought that he would still have somewhere to live after telling his landlady with benefits that he wasn’t sexually attracted to her anymore – but I digress. Now Max is homeless and has asked to stay with Sam. And yes, if you’re wondering, I also live here and pay for rent and utilities (an equal amount to Sam), but I suppose Max only wanted to ask the person who’s name is on the lease?

All this aside, Sam doesn’t want Max to come and live with us again, which works for me because I wouldn’t particularly like to live with a guy who doesn’t deign to speak to me living here either. I think Sam doesn’t want him living here because he used to be a bit of a slob when they lived together (his words not mine) but I would imagine he also doesn’t want another person in a small apartment. However, Sam clearly lacks the spine to say any of this to his friend so who does he use as an excuse? Yeah. Me. Apparently he told Max how he would love for him to come and live with him again (‘like in the good old days’), but his stupid girlfriend won’t let it happen.

Now I could live with this if Max could act like an adult about it, but he’s now started blowing up my phone with texts, calling me a bitch, calling me jealous, literally just random insults that don’t even address the main issue (and before you ask, they’re so specifically cruel that I am afraid if I copy and paste them in here that it will instantly become obvious who I am). I’ve shown them to Sam, but he told me just to ignore them and just do him a favour. He argued that since Max and I already don’t like each other there’s no harm in letting me take the fall for this decision.

This is where I might be the asshole, because on day 10 of receiving abusive messages from Max, instead of ignoring him or blocking him, I just told him the truth. It was late at night and I was tired and slightly tipsy from a bottle of wine, and Sam was out with Max, still enjoying his friendship despite the horrible things his friend was saying to his girlfriend. So yes, before you ask I was feeling vengeful and I think a lot of me did it out of spite. To be honest, the worst part is Max didn’t believe me and if anything it only made him angrier at me. So in a way the only thing I succeeded at doing was breaking my promise to Sam not to tell him, simply because I let Max get in my head. After I sent the message I got a call from Sam but ignored it, going to bed. When I woke up (I assume a couple of hours later) I had an angry boyfriend in my bedroom telling me that I was an asshole (not the word he used actually) and that Max didn’t even believe me. I then asked him why it mattered so much, since Max didn’t believe me, but I think he had had one too many drinks because he couldn’t answer me and went to sleep on the couch.

It’s been a week now and we’ve been giving each other the silent treatment. Max has come over for a couple of nights, sitting on the couch and watching football with Sam and giving me a similar stink eye but I’ve just left them to it and have moved into the guest room (partially to avoid Sam, partially to stop him from letting Max sleep here). So yeah, I’m typing this on day five of the cold war, from the guest bedroom, while my boyfriend is sleeping in our bed still angry at me for ‘jeopardising his friendship’. AITAH?

TL;DR: BF lied to his best friend that I was the one who said he couldn’t live in our apartment while he’s homeless, best friend blew up my phone with nasty messages so I told him the truth and now BF is mad at me.

[Notable Comments by OOP:]

• [after people asked why she is still with Sam] nowhere else to live lol. just realised i accidentally pulled a max and have been in a ‘landlord with benefits’ situation since i’m not on the lease.

• now that I think about it this definitely isn’t the first time I’ve been thrown under the bus – but he’s never asked for permission beforehand. I just thought this was me being a good partner and supporting him, but now I feel like I’ve just let myself be walked over for years…

Update

September 23, 2024, 1 day later

Well… for everyone who thought they might be sleeping together, you were right, I caught them fucking and sucking in our living room.

Just kidding, but that would probably be funnier than this update is going to be lol.

So… I’m still here, in the guest room, using Reddit as my only means of escape from my depressing reality, but for everyone who warned me that Sam would probably cave and let Max move in eventually…yeah he did and it only took one day since my previous post..

They are NOT sharing a bed (yet lol), Max has parked himself on our couch and shoved his stuff inside what used to be our bedroom. I was working from home this afternoon when the two of them started moving in, so I was able to grab everything and lock it in the guest room with me (barricade, actually). Sam texted me asking me to talk to them over dinner, probably about future living arrangements since it’s clear what is inevitable here, but I just told him that I was coming down with a flu and should be avoided. Even though it’s annoying having to talk so nicely to him, I still have to live here for two weeks more before I can escape, so I’m trying to act as normal as possible.

I’m really lucky that one of my friends is coming back from her work abroad in about two weeks, since her parents have arranged an apartment for her to move into and she’s invited me to stay with her there until I can find somewhere else. It’s been so difficult for me while she’s been gone since she was basically my only friend in this city who wasn’t also friends with Sam and Max. Speaking to her (even if it’s the middle of the night where she is and she has no reception) has opened my eyes to how quickly I need to get out of both this relationship and this building. Girls out there, talk to your friends, they’re seriously the biggest blessing you’ll ever get.

So yeah if anyone has any advice to make these two weeks pass a little quicker, it would be appreciated. I think I’m still a devil-woman in both their eyes, and our mutual friends are somehow taking Sam’s side. I don’t know if he’s spun them a different story, or it’s just the fact that they were all his friends first, or even the fact that he’s ‘the baby of the group’ (yeah… how did I not see that this was a red flag?), but at this point it doesn’t even matter anymore.

Thank you to everyone who commented, showed interest and concern, etc. I didn’t know how much I needed to speak to someone who wasn’t friends with Sam. Hopefully my next update will be when I’m moved out but for now I’m safe and grateful.

Update 2

September 24, 2024, 2 days later

Hello beautiful people of Reddit. The sun has just come out (metaphorically-speaking, I still live in the UK) and I’ve been inspired to write this mini-update to tell everyone all the petty things I have been doing while I wait for my best friend to come back from abroad so that we can move in together. For everyone wondering about it, I have amazing news, her parents have doubled down on helping me and are trying to speed up the apartment stuff so that there’s a chance to start moving my stuff in even earlier – yippee!

As for the update, I thought I’d keep coming back to this post and adding to it every time I did something mildly petty. I know I said in my last post that I was going to live quietly so that Sam wouldn’t kick me out, but some really amazing people messaged me to advise that I blackmail him into letting me stay until the end of the month by threatening to inform the landlord of Max’s illegal tenancy 🙂 How fun is that!

Without further ado, here is the list with the dates attached. Hopefully I’ll keep coming back to it and editing it, and will try to credit the Reddit users who advised me :))

23rd/24th September 2024:

Had a lock installed on the guest bedroom (Thank you ab090424 and Parking_Ad_3123) Put all the stuff I bought in the guest bedroom, such as the toaster, coffee machine, and all my plants (Thanks to Better-Turnover2783) Called my male coworker over to install said lock (he’s gay but Sam doesn’t need to know that) and slightly dressed up while he was over (Thanks mommykraken for the inspiration) Bought two packets of shrimp… iykyk (Thank you PrideofCapetown, Draigdwi, Minimum-Wishbone4218 and serjicalme) Cleared a specific shelf for me in the fridge and the bathroom cabinet, started labelling all my things really passive-aggressively (Thank you Neat-Pen6522) Have not bought glitter yet because I’m so accident prone I can’t ensure that it won’t get all over me first but trust when I say that there are plans in motion on this front (Thank you serjicalme and OldTadpole6050) 25th/26th September 2024:

When I left for work I kept my laptop open and playing Baby Shark over and over again (thanks for the inspo, zai4aj). It was annoying for the small amount of time I had to hear it leaving and then coming back and I had several missed calls and texts from Max asking me to please do something about it. Nothing from Sam, annoyingly, but I guess he has more of a quiet anger while Max is loud. I baked. Still not so confident in my ability to cook steak (sorry Pristine-Payment and Puzzlehead-Bee4361) but I’ve always made a good lemon drizzle.

I decided to use vanilla extract and white chocolate in the drizzle to make it smell better (was too sweet for me but everyone at worked liked it!). Reaction? Max asked if any was left, and I told him I had taken it into work since I wasn’t fond of it. He laughed, but Sam quite literally glowered at me (which made me feel very smug). I also decided to start grinding my coffee out in the kitchen (I moved it to my room after Reddit comments told me to take everything away) and I buy a really sweet and nutty blend so the smell is divine. I’m a bit worried with how amazing the apartment smelled today that I may have accidentally made the living situation a little nicer for them, but I think that it will start working really well once I leave, it’ll make it more noticeable for them… like Pavlov’s dog? Sorry if there’s anyone I forgot to thank, I’m totally swamped with comments and I’m trying my best to reply to all of them! I’ll update more tomorrow if there’s anything to say but feel free to comment more suggestions on petty revenge I can take as I begin moving out. Thanks Reddit, promise I’ll keep feeding you well!

EDIT: GUYS I MADE STIR FRY WITH THE SHRIMP OH MY GOD I’M NOT GOING TO USE THEM PLEASE STOP COMMENTING TELLING ME NOT TO USE THEM – I KNOW! I’M SORRY I THOUGHT IT WAS COMMON SENSE TO SEE THAT I WASN’T GOING TO CREATE AN ILLEGAL BIOHAZARD IN A PROPERTY OWNED BY AN INNOCENT LANDLORD.

Editor’s Note: Slight detour to r/UnethicalLifeProTips: ULPT Request for how to best fuck with my spineless ex-bf and his asshole best friend before I escape?

September 24, 2024, 2 days later

Hello, I (24F) recently posted about a situation I’ve been in involving my bf and his best friend (link here) and it’s finally gotten to the point where I’m moving out in a couple of weeks (can’t move out and can’t be kicked out – bit of a stalemate situation).

I am coming on here at the suggestion of one of the comments, who said that you guys might know ways to fuck with them beyond leaving rotting shrimp in the curtain rods, cleaning the toilet with their toothbrushes, and putting glitter in their pockets? Any help would be appreciated since I’m holed up in the guest bedroom biding my time with nothing better to do than plot! :))

[Editor’s Note: Most people suggest food related things, like hiding shrimp or garlic, or put milk powder on their mattress]

Update 3

September 29, 2024, 7 days later

I thought I’d give those asking an update on how Sam & Max are reacting to my antics (see my Mini-Update if confused). I’m sorry to say that even though many people recommended taking the petty route, it hasn’t yielded much fruit, and if anything I just feel more childish for doing anything. Before all of that, though, I need to give a little more background so that everyone understands why this past week has been so odd.

So, Sam has always been a very conflict-avoidant person. I’ve never actually seen him get angry at anyone, or if he does he’s more often just frustrated in the moment and then apologises. This is probably why in my first post I was almost convinced I was the AH, since he was genuinely quite upset with me which is something very rare in our relationship. I’ve always felt like we don’t argue a lot because Sam was too forgiving (or…spineless?). I only realised that I still had the same mindset as my friends (That Sam was too forgiving and always a victim) when talking to my friend Daisy (24F, the one who is letting me move in with her <3). Regardless of all that, I’ve always felt slightly guilty because Sam is genuinely a very sweet person who isn’t very good at getting angry or holding grudges or anything like that.

But then for a couple of days this past week he has felt like an entirely different person. I don’t know if it’s anger or resentment, or some secret third option, but he’s been so quiet. I know I said in previous updates that he was acting civil, as though nothing had happened and that he was in denial about the breakup, but I think the denial stage has ended and the anger has begun. Today and yesterday he’s gone back to acting normal, but I can’t shake the weird feeling that I have – so I’m pretty sure that both our mental states are quickly degrading.

First and foremost, please nobody panic, I am safe. I have a lock on my door and a support network checking in with me every few hours. However, since everyone has known Sam for years, and like me, they’ve never seen him like this before, it’s really difficult to figure out what to expect from him. If anyone needs examples of the strange behaviour, it’s mainly just glaring at me whenever he sees me and stone-walling me – but I’ve also started to notice some of my things go missing. It could be from hastily moving them to my friend’s parent’s house, but a lot of them are sentimental items so it’s hard not to point the finger at the embodiment of a dark cloud that’s just looming around the apartment. Idk why it’s freaking me out so much but maybe because it feels like a switch has flipped suddenly.

I also feel like I’m the one being weird, though, because isn’t this what I wanted? I literally played Baby Shark on my laptop all day today while I was at work, and while Max called and texted me asking me to turn it off I heard nothing from Sam. It was also a male coworker of mine who installed the lock on my door, so yeah I haven’t exactly been acting kindly. I almost feel like a schoolboy pulling on a girl’s pigtails for attention right now, but I feel so unsettled to have no verbal reaction, so I feel like a bit of an idiot. Like of course he’s going to be angry if I do all this petty stuff, what did I expect? I still don’t feel unsafe but I think maybe my mental health has just hit a breaking point and I can no longer pretend that it all doesn’t get to me.

It’s weirder still that Max seems to agree with me about Sam’s odd behaviour. Two people who have hated each other for years have suddenly been united somehow by the the one they care about, so maybe that’s a bit of a silver lining. Today (after I came and turned off Baby Shark) Max knocked on my door and asked if anything else had happened with Sam. I told him no, and that the sudden change in his behaviour had nothing to do with me directly (just indirect pettiness….). He just sighed and asked when I was moving out, saying Sam was only going to get worse the longer I stayed, to which I told him that it was none of his business if I stayed forever. A bit childish of me, I know, but it’s so annoying for Max to try and take on the mediator role since that’s usually Sam. He just sighed again and asked me not to play Baby Shark, that I shouldn’t make him suffer for being in the middle of mine and Sam’s issues – which I thought was very presumptuous of him considering how the fight started but whatever.

I even started to feel, later on that night, very grateful that Max was here – purely because of how strange Sam was making me feel. So yeah, itching to get out and feeling not only guilty but frustrated that even if he’s angered by my actions he still won’t talk to me. Nothing I’m doing or feeling is rational, I know, but I feel like anyone who has been through a relationship break up after two years might empathise with me. If you’re reading this and you have, any advise for how to get through not only losing your partner but feeling like you wasted a massive portion of your life on them?

Another thing to point out in my defence is that Sam was acting strange before the baby shark incident (I played it on my laptop in my locked bedroom while I went to work, so about 8 hours) and he wasn’t even home when I had my coworker install the lock on my door (though maybe Max twisted that story?). Can I possibly believe that it was me baking lemon drizzle and not giving them any was his breaking point or did he just then suddenly realise it was over? Am I a bad person for feeling safe with Max? Please nobody comment any incel things like how my female hormones are telling me to side with the alpha male or anything like that, I’ll seriously die from cringing. I just need some reassurance that given the circumstances the fact that me and Max are suddenly getting on a little better doesn’t mean that I’m somehow betraying Sam (even though we’re pretty much broken up), and that I have no obligation to check in with Sam about his behaviour.

The good news is that Daisy’s parents have been moving out my stuff over the last week, and now only the big things remain. If the situation gets too weird I’m just going to cut my losses and sleep in Daisy’s old room in her parent’s house – but hopefully I can wait a couple more days. That’s right guys, Daisy’s moved her flight and the apartment is all sorted! I’ll be moving in almost a week sooner than I thought I would!! Only a few days more in this hellhole!!! Maybe it’s this knowledge that has made the apartment unbearable – just being soooo close to freedom yet not quite there yet? Who cares??? My next update will be as a free woman can you believe it? I’m so grateful for my surrogate family out here, and that they’re taking this messy breakup so seriously. If you think the Reddit posts are paranoid, you guys should meet Daisy’s parents bc tell me why I’m the ones reassuring them all the time?

Anyways, that’s all the information I wanted to share with you guys, sorry that it’s low-key a mental breakdown full of paranoia and insane behaviour. I’m not as mentally strong or mature as I thought I was, and I accept that. Thank you again, Reddit, I hope you’re all keeping well and know that I’m so very grateful for all your help and support. Until next time 😀 !!

EDIT: Several people have commented that I am an insane roommate for what I did, and I think that my previous posts have people confused about the lengths I’ve actually gone to. I have not used their toothbrushes in the toilet or hidden shrimp in the curtain rods (not that I was ever… that was a joke…), and if you want a list of the petty things I actually did you should check out the ‘Mini-Update’ post on my profile which is a comprehensive list. As for people commenting to inform me that what I’ve done is an ‘asshole move’, yeah… I know that’s the point. It’s not possible to be petty without being an asshole that’s quite literally the whole point. There’s such conflicting advice that I’m tempted to just side with the people being polite to me, since most of the people calling me a ‘psycho bitch’ don’t seem to know the full story (or care).

Sorry for elongating the post but it’s so much worse to receive hate comments for being misunderstood than for things you actually did!! Thanks to everyone else who commented either in support or against my actions who were respectful and clear, I genuinely appreciate it and it’s helped me figure out what I want to do next – will update tomorrow ❤️

[Notable Comments:]

• Yeah I’m ngl this is maybe one of those times where listening to Reddit was a bit of a hasty move. It’s one thing for someone on the internet to tell you to do something petty it’s another thing to follow through. I think I was just tired of feeling like a victim, I wanted to do something strong and bold and petty because otherwise I’m just the ex gf who has been kicked to the side by her scumbag bf and… what… sat there and taken it? Done nothing? I genuinely feel like I’m going insane in this little guest bedroom and I need to get out.

• To be honest I think this situation went from NTA to ESH.

You are too old to be playing games. You’re not 14.

What is think has happened is this:

1. Stbxbf hates confrontation used you as excuse for friend not to move in – he’s the ahole.

2. Friend harasses you and stbxbf does not fess up or defend you – he’s the ahole.

3. Stbxbf moves in friend – he’s the ahole.

4. Both of you stop communicating – esh.

5. You start to be rude he pretends nothing happened- esh.

6. You plot petty revenge, even seeking out suggestions – you starting to get obsessed so stepping in ah territory.

7. You have a “double agent” in friend group who you are conspiring with yet still zero communication with stbxbf – you are stepping more in ah territory.

8. Stbxbf has noticed you may be moving yet no one still communicating – esh.

9. You state you moved important documents and valuables, yet seem to think sentimental items (which i would consider valuables) are missing yet you don’t know if you moved it or if stbxbf did – you are getting in your own head wrapped up in this game and drifting more into ah territory.

I highly recommend you put your big girl pants on tell your stbxbf you need to speak privately (either at apartment or in public place) and once and for all communicate. Tell him your relationship is over and why (be adult about it), confirm you are indeed moving and when the plan is, and make it clear that you are fully aware of the half truths he told his friend group and that if he can’t say anything nice then keep his mouth shut because you have evidence of the truth and not afraid st restore/defend your reputation because you will not put up with additional abuse like you already did with his friend.

I think your stbxbf’s whole personality change is because neither one of you are acting like adults and communicating. He hates confrontation but also seems very stubborn and is getting in his own head. He knows he messed up but is too much of an ahole to suck it up and try and resolve. You are no better as you won’t communicate and are wrapped up in thinking about putting shrimp in curtain rods and glitter in pockets so now you’re in your mind and projecting intent in his actions or inactions. I’m sure he is doing the same to you.

Every action of either of you has a reaction. He acts like nothing happened, you go silent. You start moving all your stuff into guest room and put a lock on it (by a guy your stbxbf hears 2nd hand about and you all but admit you wanted him jealous) so he works to turn his friends against you. And so on. Shadowagent001

• I definitely want to address a couple of points here, not bc I think I’m completely blameless but bc I think there are some points that misrepresent the situation as a whole. You’ll probably read this and say that I’m still slightly an asshole, and I’ll accept that, don’t worry!

I don’t believe that I ever stopped communicating with Sam, but obviously I’m very biased here. After he shouted at me about telling Max and refused to speak to me that night or the morning after, I became incredibly discouraged. When I said that he went back to normal after he moved Max in it doesn’t mean that he magically became open to the conversation I wanted to have (I.e. ‘The Max situation’), just that he stopped ignoring and snapping at me. Because of how negatively he reacted when I tried to communicate with him about the core of our issues, I stopped trying, because I didn’t want to exacerbate an already tense situation. So, I don’t know if I accept that I’m an AH in this respect necessarily bc I made genuine efforts to reach out to him and discuss this – but maybe I am slightly bc I gave up pretty easily after seeing his reactions.

I’m also not sure that you can say I’m being rude by either a) bringing up what happened when he tried to act normal, or b) ignoring him entirely. I haven’t said a ‘rude’ word to Sam’s face, only accused him of not putting me first or respecting me when I’ve tried to talk to him.

6/7. I think are valid, and if I’m honest about my emotions, I did want to be an asshole to them because I felt like I had been too much of a pushover or doormat. I know it doesn’t excuse the actions, but I just want people to know that I didn’t do petty things bc I ignorantly thought that they were the ‘right’ thing, but rather bc I felt if I did nothing I wouldn’t standing up for myself. Your comments have helped me realise that I was wrong about that, and that I was actually not in a bad position before, just thinking badly of myself.

I texted Sam to inform him that I would be moving out – but I did snap at Max and tell him to mind his business, you’re right. I was directing my anger at the wrong person, and I’ve since messaged him to apologise.

This comment pretty much sums up what happened, yeah – I think I’ve been playing mind games on myself without Sam or Max even needing to, and I’ll accept that it makes me an asshole.

Thanks for taking the time out of your day to comment this, I seriously appreciate it even if it’s criticism. Big girl pants coming soon – but right now they’re at my friend’s parents house with the rest of my worldly possessions.

• While you’re not entirely wrong, I think I can give myself a little bit of grace in this situation and try and defend myself slightly. I wanted to be an asshole, so I’m not going to sit here arguing that my actions are somehow good, but I also want to explain why I wanted to do this.

For the last four (ish) days I’ve been holed up in the guest bedroom while my bf either a) acts like nothing happens, b) stonewalls me, c) glares at me. I have been and am miserable and if I’m honest I don’t think that this situation is my fault anymore. According to Reddit I’m NTA for telling Max the truth and Sam is TA for moving Max in and not communicating with me. I’ve tried to talk to him about the living situation to make it bearable, but he either snaps at or ignores me and I don’t want to make it more tense by forcing the conversation.

What did my mind games accomplish? They made me feel like I wasn’t a pushover. For every kind comment I get telling me that I’m a victim of a gaslighter, I get another telling me I’m the real spineless one for letting him treat me like that. I don’t have that many people to talk to about this since my core friends have taken Sam’s side, my new roommate is in a different time zone, and my boyfriend is the one I’m trying to complain about. Hence, I’m kind of in this Reddit bubble. So when I have several comments telling me that I should fuck with them, I jump to do it, because I don’t know what I should be doing, just that I’m tired of sitting around doing nothing – of feeling like I am a victim – because I don’t want to be.

And yes, for a time I did feel better about myself. When my coworker installed a lock on my door and I saw Max texting Sam about it I felt like I’d really stuck it to them both – want to move in somewhere you’re not welcome/move someone in without your gf’s permission? Well here! Look at me! I can do something you don’t like as well! You want to make me feel uncomfortable in my own home 24/7? I can psychologically torture you as well!

Does it make me a good person? No, and I know it certainly doesn’t make me mature or elegant or classy. I just wanted to feel different – or at least I hoped if I acted out enough maybe Sam would kick him out because he’d see just how upset I am. I’m sorry this has turned into an essay but it’s hard to get the feelings and motivations I’ve had across in less words. And yeah, I get it now, that his actions aren’t weird when you put them in the context of what I’m doing, and that’s why I’m grateful that I turned to Reddit for a second opinion – because otherwise I feel like I would’ve kept thinking that I wasn’t doing enough to stand up for myself.

Thanks for your comment, and sorry if this reply is too lengthy to be readable, but at least I’ve gotten something off my chest. Hope you have a good day.

Part 2 can be found here

Emily Believed Honesty Was the Foundation of Their Relationship

Twenty-seven-year-old Emily had always believed that honesty was one of the most important foundations of a serious relationship. She did not expect her boyfriend, Jason, to tell her every small detail about his life, but she believed they should always be truthful with each other when it came to important decisions. The couple had been together for nearly three years and had built a comfortable life together. They spent most evenings at home, shared weekend plans, and often talked about eventually getting married. Jason had several close friends, but his best friend Ryan had always been the most important. The two men had known each other since college and had remained close through jobs, relationships, breakups, and countless personal problems. Emily respected their friendship and never tried to come between them. She occasionally found Ryan loud and messy, but she had never considered him a serious problem.

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The situation changed when Ryan suddenly needed a place to stay. His apartment lease was ending, and the new place he had planned to move into was delayed because of an unexpected issue with the landlord. Ryan told Jason that he needed somewhere to stay temporarily while he found another apartment. He explained that he was not asking for anything permanent and only needed a few weeks. Jason initially sounded sympathetic and told Ryan that he would think about it. Emily knew nothing about the conversation because Jason did not mention it to her at the time. A few days later, however, Jason casually told Emily that Ryan had asked if he could stay with them. Before Emily could even respond, Jason said he had already told Ryan no because he knew Emily would never be comfortable having another person living in their home.

Emily was immediately confused. She asked Jason why he had never discussed the situation with her. Jason shrugged and said he already knew what she would say. According to him, Emily liked having privacy and had previously complained when Ryan stayed too late during visits. Emily reminded him that she had never said Ryan could not stay with them. She had complained about Ryan leaving dirty dishes in the kitchen and taking over the living room during long visits, but that was very different from refusing to help him during an emergency. Jason insisted that he was only trying to protect their relationship from unnecessary tension. He claimed that allowing Ryan to move in could cause arguments between them. Emily accepted the explanation for the moment, although she felt uncomfortable with the fact that Jason had made the decision without even asking her.

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A few days later, Emily happened to run into Ryan while they were both getting coffee. Ryan looked embarrassed when he saw her, but he eventually thanked her for being honest with Jason about not wanting him to stay. Emily immediately asked him what he meant. Ryan explained that Jason had told him Emily was completely against the idea and had specifically said that she did not want anyone else living in the house. Emily was stunned. She told Ryan that she had never said anything like that. Ryan looked surprised and admitted that Jason had made it sound as though Emily had personally rejected the request. He said he had not wanted to create problems between the couple, so he accepted the answer and began looking for another place.

Emily could not stop thinking about the conversation. She realized that Jason had not simply misunderstood her. He had deliberately used her as the reason for saying no. Instead of telling Ryan that he personally did not want his best friend living with him, Jason had blamed Emily. That meant Ryan now believed that she was the controlling girlfriend who had prevented him from getting help. Emily was particularly upset because she had spent years trying to maintain a good relationship with Jason’s friends. She had never wanted them to think she was the reason Jason could not do something. She wondered how many other times Jason might have used her name as an excuse without her knowing.

When Jason came home that evening, Emily confronted him. She calmly asked him why he had told Ryan that she refused to let him stay. Jason initially denied lying. He said he had only assumed Emily would say no and therefore did not think it was necessary to ask her. Emily pointed out that making an assumption was one thing, but telling another person that she had actually said no was completely different. Jason became defensive and accused her of turning a simple misunderstanding into a major relationship problem. Emily refused to let him change the subject. She wanted him to explain exactly why he had used her as the excuse.

After several minutes of arguing, Jason finally admitted the truth. He did not want Ryan living with them. He knew Ryan was messy, stayed up late, frequently brought people over, and had very different habits from him. Jason worried that allowing Ryan to move in would damage their friendship. He also knew that saying no directly might hurt Ryan’s feelings. Instead of accepting responsibility for his own decision, he decided it would be easier to blame Emily. He assumed Ryan would be less likely to argue if he believed Emily had already rejected the idea.

Emily was deeply hurt by the admission. She told Jason that she could have respected his decision if he had simply said, “I don’t want Ryan living here.” She might even have agreed with him after discussing the practical problems. What she could not accept was being turned into the villain so Jason could avoid an uncomfortable conversation. Jason insisted that he had not meant to hurt her and claimed that he thought the situation would disappear quickly. Emily responded that intentions did not erase consequences. Ryan now believed she had rejected him, and Jason had damaged her reputation to protect himself.

The argument became more serious when Emily asked Jason whether this was the first time he had blamed her for something he did not want to take responsibility for. Jason became quiet. Emily began remembering smaller incidents from the past. There had been times when friends had invited them somewhere and Jason had said Emily did not want to go. There were occasions when family members had been told that Emily did not approve of certain plans, even though she had never been consulted. At the time, she had ignored those situations because they seemed too minor to fight about. Now she wondered whether they had all been part of the same pattern.

Ryan eventually contacted Emily to apologize. He said he had no idea Jason had been blaming her and admitted that he had initially been angry with her. He had assumed she simply did not like him enough to help him during a difficult situation. Emily told him that she understood why he had believed Jason because Jason was his best friend. She also made it clear that she had never asked him to leave or refused to help. The conversation was uncomfortable, but it gave Emily some relief because she finally had a chance to correct the false impression Jason had created.

Ryan then confronted Jason himself. He told him that he would have preferred an honest no rather than being told that Emily was responsible. Jason apologized and admitted that he had handled everything badly. Ryan was still disappointed, but he eventually accepted the apology. Their friendship became awkward for a while because Ryan struggled to understand why Jason had lied about something so simple. The incident forced both men to reconsider how much they trusted each other.

Jason also apologized to Emily. He told her that he had been afraid of looking like the bad guy and had taken the easy way out. He promised that he would never again use her as an excuse for his own decisions. Emily appreciated the apology, but she told him that rebuilding trust would take more than words. She needed to see that he was capable of handling uncomfortable conversations honestly, even when telling someone no could make him look selfish.

The situation also made Emily think differently about boundaries in their relationship. She explained to Jason that she did not expect him to let every friend or relative move into their home. Their home belonged to both of them, and decisions about it should be made together. If Jason did not want Ryan staying with them, he had every right to say so. Emily would have respected that. What mattered was that he needed to own his choices instead of putting them on her.

Jason eventually spoke to Ryan again and told him the complete truth. He admitted that he had been the one who did not want Ryan moving in. He explained his concerns about the living arrangement and apologized for making Emily take the blame. Ryan was understandably irritated, but at least he finally knew where the decision had come from. He later told Emily that he was glad she had corrected the story because otherwise he might have carried resentment toward her for years.

For Emily, however, the situation revealed something much bigger than a disagreement about housing. She realized that honesty was not simply about avoiding obvious lies. It was also about taking responsibility for your own decisions. Jason had chosen the easiest path because he was afraid of disappointing his friend. In doing so, he had made Emily appear controlling and selfish. That was unfair to her, especially because she had never been given the opportunity to speak for herself.

The couple spent several weeks discussing what had happened. Emily told Jason that she wanted their relationship to be based on partnership rather than convenience. She did not want either of them saying, “My partner won’t let me,” when what they really meant was, “I don’t want to.” Jason admitted that he had used that excuse many times because it was easier than admitting his own preferences. He promised to stop doing it.

Emily also became more comfortable speaking directly with Jason’s friends when necessary. She did not want misunderstandings to develop because of things Jason said on her behalf. She made it clear that if someone wanted to know her opinion, they could ask her directly. Jason agreed that he needed to stop speaking for her unless they had already discussed the matter together.

Ryan eventually found another apartment and moved into his new place. The housing crisis ended, but the incident left a lasting impact on the friendships involved. Ryan and Jason slowly repaired their relationship, although Ryan became more cautious about accepting Jason’s explanations without question. Emily’s relationship with Ryan also improved because he now understood that she had never been responsible for his situation.

What bothered Emily most was realizing how easily Jason had expected her to accept the blame. He had assumed that because she was his girlfriend, she would quietly absorb the consequences of his decision. That realization forced her to reconsider what she wanted from a long-term relationship. She did not want a partner who protected himself by sacrificing her reputation. She wanted someone who could stand behind his own choices.

Jason understood that rebuilding trust would require consistent behavior. He stopped blaming Emily when declining invitations or refusing requests from friends. Instead, he began speaking for himself. When someone asked him for something he did not want to do, he learned to say no without hiding behind his relationship. It was uncomfortable at first, but over time he became more confident.

Emily eventually decided to move forward with the relationship, but she did so with clearer boundaries. She told Jason that the incident had changed how she viewed communication between them. She was willing to forgive him because he acknowledged what he had done and took responsibility. However, she also made it clear that another similar situation would be much more serious.

Looking back, Emily realized that the entire situation had started with something surprisingly simple. Jason did not want his best friend living in their home. There was nothing wrong with that decision. The problem was that he lacked the courage to own it. By blaming Emily, he created unnecessary conflict between three people and damaged the trust of both his girlfriend and his best friend.

In the end, Emily did not have to make a dramatic revenge plan or publicly expose Jason. She simply told the truth. By calmly explaining that she had never said no, she allowed everyone involved to see who had actually made the decision. Her honesty protected her reputation and forced Jason to take responsibility for his own actions.

The experience taught Emily an important lesson about relationships: a healthy partner should never use you as a shield when they are afraid to disappoint someone else. Saying no can be uncomfortable, but honesty is usually less damaging than creating a false story. Jason learned that lesson the hard way, and Emily learned that protecting her own boundaries was just as important as protecting the relationship.

Ultimately, the question was never really about whether Ryan should have been allowed to stay. It was about who had the courage to say no and accept the consequences. Jason wanted the decision without the blame, so he placed the blame on Emily. But once she revealed the truth, everyone knew exactly what had happened. And for Emily, that truth was far more important than being seen as the “nice” girlfriend.