Woman Fires Back After Boyfriend Mocks Her Body Hair, Then Realizes The Bigger Problem Isn’t His Bald Spot
I never expected a stupid argument about body hair to turn into a much bigger conversation about respect in my relationship. My boyfriend and I had been together for a while, and for the most part, I thought we had a good relationship. We joked around with each other, teased each other, and generally felt comfortable enough to be ourselves. I have never been someone who believes women need to remove every bit of body hair to be considered attractive. Sometimes I shave, sometimes I don’t, depending on how I feel and how much time I have. My boyfriend knew this from the beginning. One evening, however, he made a comment about the hair on my legs that immediately caught me off guard. He laughed and asked when I had decided to “stop taking care of myself.” I tried to laugh it off because I didn’t want to turn a small comment into an argument, but he continued making jokes about it.
The more he talked, the more uncomfortable I became. He compared my legs to other women and said he preferred women who were “more polished.” I reminded him that body hair was completely normal and that whether I shaved shouldn’t determine whether he respected me. Instead of backing off, he acted like I was being too sensitive. He told me that he was only joking and that I should be able to take a little teasing. I pointed out that there is a difference between joking with someone and repeatedly criticizing something about their body. He didn’t seem to understand the difference. Eventually, he made another comment that crossed the line, and I finally decided to fire back. I looked at him and mentioned his bald spot. I didn’t say it because I genuinely wanted to hurt him, but because I wanted him to understand how it feels when someone turns an insecurity or natural physical feature into a joke.
His reaction was immediate. He stopped smiling and became visibly annoyed. He told me that his bald spot was different because it was something he couldn’t control. I reminded him that I couldn’t control naturally growing body hair either. He argued that I could simply shave it, while his hair loss wasn’t something he had chosen. That was the moment I realized we weren’t really arguing about hair anymore. He expected me to change my body because he preferred a certain appearance, while expecting me to treat his own appearance with sensitivity. I told him that if he wanted me to respect his insecurities, he needed to respect mine too. He accused me of being cruel for mentioning his bald spot, and I admitted that the comment was meant to make a point, but I also told him that I wouldn’t have needed to make that point if he hadn’t spent the evening mocking me.
After we calmed down, we had a much more serious conversation. I told him that I wasn’t particularly upset about his personal preference. Everyone is allowed to have preferences when it comes to attraction. What bothered me was the way he communicated that preference. There is a huge difference between saying, “I personally like when you shave,” and repeatedly making someone feel unattractive because they don’t meet your preference. I also told him that I didn’t want our relationship to become a place where we constantly picked apart each other’s bodies. He eventually admitted that he had taken the teasing too far. He also acknowledged that he wouldn’t want me making jokes about his hair loss every time we disagreed. Hearing him admit that helped, but it didn’t completely erase how the conversation had made me feel.
The bigger issue wasn’t his bald spot, my body hair, or whether either of us preferred a certain look. It was whether we could disagree about attraction without trying to embarrass or shame each other. I realized that relationships can survive differences in appearance and personal preferences, but they become much harder when one person believes their preferences give them the right to criticize the other person’s body. We eventually agreed that we needed to be more careful about how we joked with each other and that neither of us should use personal insecurities as ammunition during arguments. I still don’t know whether this incident was just a stupid mistake or a sign of a deeper problem, because part of me wonders why he felt so comfortable criticizing my body in the first place. For now, I’m paying more attention to how he treats me when he doesn’t get his way, because I have learned that the bigger problem isn’t anyone’s hair—it’s whether the person you love knows how to respect you when you’re different from what they expect.
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AITA for making fun of my partner’s hair loss?
Original Poster is r/koisparrows
Title sounds bad I know. This has been an ongoing argument between my partner and I for almost 6 months now. I feel like I’ll never hear the end of it.
Back story, I (23f) am a naturally fair skinned girl. I’m also cursed with pretty dark body hairs which makes upkeep a complete pain. I shave my legs and two days later I have dark prickles of hair that I can’t shave again for 1.5 weeks or so without causing some pretty painful razer burn. It is something that has bothered me for a long time, as it takes away alot of my freedom in the warmer seasons and I have to pick and choose what events I can show my legs at.
This year I was invited to go to with my (28m) partner to his families Christmas Day lunch, which I was pretty excited for! A few days before the lunch, my partner and I were also invited to a New Year’s Day pool party at his friends place. (Southern Hemisphere for anyone confused here!) Of course this filled me with dread, because I knew that by this point my legs would look freaking terrible in a swimsuit. I decided to go to both, and found a gorgeous Summer Maxi Dress to wear for New Years Day. I thought I’d just relax by the pool on the banana lounge, and also help the host organise the BBQ lunch.
After the lunch I was laying out with a few of the other ladies, while our partners were all mucking about in the pool doing cannon-balls. My friends partner, (25m) asked why I wasn’t swimming, and I let him know I just wasn’t feeling like it that day and I’d rather lay in the shade. At this point my partner got back out of the pool, and I assumed he was going to jump back in like usual. Instead, he came over to me, lifted up the bottom of my dress revealing my legs and exclaimed “She isn’t swimming today cause she is as hairy as a fucking bear!” I grabbed my dress and pulled it back down quite embarrassed, and shot him a very angry look. There was a few chuckles but mostly awkward silence. I was MORTIFIED. He knows how self conscious I am about this.
In my anger I then bit back and said “Maybe we can transplant some of my leg hair to that nice bald patch you’ve been brewing?!” This was also met with a few chuckles followed by even more awkward silence. My partner then stormed off from the pool and went inside to get dry. He got changed into his dry clothes and came out and said that we’re leaving. I felt really bad, especially for the hosts so I apologised to them and said they could keep my salad bowls I had bought over.
My partner and I have never spoken about his hair-loss before. When I said this I did know that it likely bothered him being that I found photos on his phone of him taking pictures of the top of his head (where the hair loss has started) I just felt it was hypocritical that he could create that whole situation, and my insecurity wasn’t off limits but his is? I know I didn’t handle myself the best here. AITA?
EDIT: Wow this seriously blew up! Thanks to all of the lovely women who took the time to leave some tips or open up to me in the DMs! I couldn’t fit this in the post but I just had my 4th laser hair removal session and my legs are already remotely hairless! I have a few sporadic patches where I still get really thin hair, and some hair follicles still haven’t dropped. I have 6 sessions left so I would have to say it’s a successful story!
In regards to my partner, I’m going to try and have an open conversation with him one more time. My intention is to either communicate and clear the air, or I will be leaving him. I won’t be telling him that second part obviously lol. Not sure if I should show this to him yet.
UPDATE:
Update for everyone. I sat him down when we both finished work and he came over just a little over an hour ago. It was a very short conversation..
I started the conversation by stating that I would like to clear the air and resentment in the relationship. His response to this was “Are you going to finally apologise?” I just about died inside. I asked him what I should be apologising for, and he said the comments I made about his hair at the New Years party. I then suggested that perhaps we should apologise in sequence of events so he should go first lmao.
He said that there is no way he is apologising me after what I said because I crossed a line. I asked him what about him crossing the line with my boundaries and humiliating me? He said it isn’t the same because I could of just shaved it off and be done with it, where as his situation could be permanent. I said that my situation would of remained permanent if I didn’t do something about it. He then went quiet and started to shut down telling me he doesn’t want to talk. I told him I don’t want his company if he can’t have an adult open conversation with me. He left. I will be dumping him tomorrow. I didn’t sign adoption papers. I never wanted this man-baby.
A Simple Argument About Body Hair Turned Into a Serious Relationship Problem
I never expected a stupid argument about body hair to turn into one of the most serious conversations my boyfriend and I have ever had. We’ve been together for a while, and until recently, I thought we understood each other pretty well. We joke around a lot, tease each other, and have always been comfortable enough to be honest about our appearance. I never imagined that something as ordinary as shaving my legs would become a source of resentment between us.
I’ve never been someone who feels the need to remove every bit of body hair all the time. Sometimes I shave my legs regularly, especially if I’m going somewhere or simply feel like it. Other times, I don’t bother. It depends on my schedule, my mood, and whether I actually care about having completely smooth legs that week.
My boyfriend has always known this about me. When we first started dating, I didn’t hide the fact that I wasn’t obsessed with shaving. He had seen me with body hair before, and I never thought it was a major issue. As far as I knew, he accepted that it was simply part of my normal appearance.
Things changed gradually.
He started making occasional comments about my legs. At first, they were so minor that I didn’t think much of them. He might jokingly ask whether I had forgotten to shave or make a comment about how long it had been since I had done it.
I usually laughed because I assumed he was just teasing me. Couples make jokes about each other all the time, and I didn’t want to become the person who turned every little comment into an argument.
But the comments became more frequent.
One evening, we were getting ready to go out, and I was wearing an outfit that showed my legs. My boyfriend looked at me and then made a comment about my body hair. He laughed and asked when I had decided to stop “taking care of myself.”
I immediately felt uncomfortable.
I looked at him and told him that I had simply chosen not to shave. He responded that he was only joking and said I shouldn’t take it so seriously.
I tried to move past it, but he continued. He said he preferred women who kept themselves “more polished” and suggested that shaving wouldn’t take me more than a few minutes.
That bothered me much more than I expected.
I told him that having body hair didn’t mean I wasn’t taking care of myself. I showered, took care of my hygiene, and looked after myself. Shaving was a grooming preference, not a requirement for being clean.
He rolled his eyes and said I was making a big deal out of nothing.
That’s when I realized the problem wasn’t simply that he preferred shaved legs. I couldn’t care less if he personally liked smooth legs. People are allowed to have preferences. What bothered me was that he was treating his preference like a standard I was supposed to meet.
I asked him how he would feel if I constantly criticized something about his appearance that he couldn’t easily change.
He said that wasn’t comparable.
I asked why.
He didn’t really have an answer.
Instead, he joked again and said I was being dramatic. That was the moment I finally stopped trying to keep the conversation friendly.
I looked at his head and mentioned his bald spot.
I didn’t yell. I didn’t insult him repeatedly. I simply pointed out that if we were going to make fun of each other’s physical features, there was certainly something about his appearance I could joke about too.
His entire expression changed.
He immediately became serious and told me that his hair loss wasn’t funny. I told him I understood that, which was exactly my point.
He said his bald spot wasn’t something he could control. I reminded him that I couldn’t control the fact that body hair naturally grows either.
He argued that I could shave whenever I wanted.
I told him that he could also shave his head if he wanted to change the way his hair looked. Neither option was the point. The point was that neither of us should feel entitled to embarrass the other person over something related to their appearance.
He became angry and accused me of deliberately targeting an insecurity.
I admitted that I had mentioned his bald spot specifically because I wanted him to understand how his comments were making me feel. I wasn’t proud of using something he was sensitive about, but I also told him that I wouldn’t have needed to make that comparison if he hadn’t spent the evening criticizing my body.
The argument eventually ended without either of us feeling particularly good about it.
Later that night, when we had both calmed down, I started thinking about the situation more carefully. I realized that the bald spot wasn’t actually the issue, and neither was my body hair.
The real issue was respect.
If my boyfriend had simply said that he personally found shaved legs more attractive, I wouldn’t have been offended. He is allowed to have preferences. I’m allowed to have preferences too.
What I couldn’t accept was being made to feel unattractive or careless because I didn’t automatically follow his preference.
I also started wondering whether I had been ignoring smaller examples of this behavior. There had been other moments when he made comments about my clothes, makeup, weight, or appearance and then immediately called it a joke when I reacted negatively.
I had always tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Now I wondered whether those comments were actually jokes or whether calling them jokes was simply an easy way for him to avoid responsibility for how they made me feel.
We eventually talked about it again the next day. He admitted that he had been unnecessarily critical about my body hair and said he hadn’t realized how much the repeated comments were bothering me. I also apologized for bringing up his bald spot because I knew it was something he was sensitive about.
But I made one thing clear.
I told him that I didn’t want us to use each other’s insecurities as weapons during arguments. If he had a preference, he could express it respectfully. If I disagreed, that needed to be okay too.
He agreed, although I could tell he was still embarrassed that I had turned his own argument back on him.
For the first time, I also understood that physical attraction and respect aren’t the same thing. Someone can prefer a certain appearance without being entitled to demand that their partner change their body to match it.
I’m still thinking about what happened because I don’t want to overreact to one stupid argument, but I also don’t want to ignore a pattern if one is developing. The bald spot was never the bigger problem. My body hair wasn’t either. The thing that actually matters to me now is whether my boyfriend can understand that loving someone means accepting that their body belongs to them. If we can’t learn to disagree about something as small as shaving without turning it into humiliation, then I have to wonder what happens when we eventually face something much bigger.
