I never expected a simple text message to completely change the way I looked at my marriage. My husband is in the military, which means our relationship has always required a level of patience and trust that I think many couples never have to develop. There have been long periods when he was away, unpredictable schedules, missed holidays, and countless nights when I had to handle everything at home without him. I always understood that his job came with sacrifices, and I never wanted to make him feel guilty for being away. We had been married for several years, and although our marriage was not perfect, I genuinely believed we were strong. We had children, a home, shared responsibilities, and a history together that made me feel secure. I had never been the type of wife who constantly checked his phone or questioned every woman he worked with. His coworkers were simply people from his job, and I trusted him to maintain appropriate boundaries. That trust changed one evening when I happened to see a message from one of his female coworkers that simply said, “I love you.”

At first, I honestly thought there had to be some innocent explanation. I stared at the message for several seconds because my brain kept trying to find another meaning behind it. Maybe she was talking about something completely unrelated. Maybe it was an inside joke. Maybe she had sent it to the wrong person. I did not immediately accuse my husband of cheating because I knew how quickly suspicion could destroy something if there was an innocent explanation. When he came home, I asked him about the coworker and casually mentioned that I had seen the message. His entire expression changed. He became quiet before telling me that she was “just overly friendly” and that I was reading too much into it. That answer bothered me more than I expected. If the message meant nothing, I thought he would simply explain the situation and reassure me. Instead, he seemed nervous and irritated that I had seen it. I asked him directly whether there had ever been anything inappropriate between them. He said no and insisted that I had nothing to worry about. I wanted to believe him, but I could not stop thinking about those three words. “I love you” did not feel like something most coworkers casually sent to each other.

Over the next few days, everything started feeling different. I noticed that my husband was more protective of his phone than usual. He would take it with him when he went to another room, turn the screen away when messages came in, and sometimes leave the room to answer calls. Whenever I asked if everything was okay, he accused me of becoming suspicious for no reason. I tried to convince myself that I was overreacting, especially because military life can involve complicated friendships and intense working relationships. But then I noticed that the same coworker seemed to be appearing in more and more conversations. My husband mentioned her name casually, but whenever I asked how close they were, he became defensive. Eventually, I asked him whether she had ever told him that she loved him before. He paused for so long that I immediately knew something was wrong. He finally admitted that she had said it once before, but claimed he had never encouraged her. I asked why he had not told me. He said he did not think it was important and did not want to start an argument. That explanation left me feeling even more betrayed because keeping something like that from me felt like a choice.

Things became much worse when I eventually learned that the coworker had been telling people at work that she and my husband were emotionally close. I do not know exactly what she meant by that, and I still do not know whether they ever had a physical relationship, but hearing that she believed they shared something special completely broke my sense of security. When I confronted my husband again, he insisted that she was exaggerating and that he had never promised her anything. He said that she had become emotionally attached to him because they worked closely together and that he had been trying to create distance. But when I asked why he continued communicating with her outside of work, he did not have a clear answer. Then came the part that truly scared me. The coworker somehow got my personal phone number and began sending me messages. At first, they were vague and emotional, but eventually she told me that I “had no idea what my husband had been telling her.” She claimed that he had said things about our marriage that made her believe he was unhappy and that he had feelings for her. My husband denied everything she said, and suddenly I was stuck between two completely different versions of reality.

The situation eventually became terrifying because what had started as a suspicious message turned into a conflict involving my marriage, my husband’s workplace, and our family. I never wanted to interfere with his career, and I certainly never wanted to become the military wife everyone was talking about. But I also could not ignore the fact that another woman had become emotionally involved with my husband while he was telling me there was nothing to worry about. My husband eventually admitted that he had allowed the relationship to become too emotionally close, although he continued to insist that they had never slept together. He apologized and said he should have established stronger boundaries from the beginning. I wanted to accept that apology, but I could not erase everything that had happened. Trust does not disappear in one second, but it can be damaged by one secret after another. Now I am left trying to decide whether this was a terrible boundary violation that my husband is genuinely willing to fix, or whether I have only discovered the first part of something much bigger. I still love him, and I still care about our family, but for the first time in our marriage, I am no longer sure that love is enough to make me feel safe with him again.

Read Story…

[New Updates]: 16 years of marriage. 5 kids. Found out this morning my husband has been having an affair.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/LiterallyJustAHorse

Originally posted to r/beyondthebump

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Updates]: 16 years of marriage. 5 kids. Found out this morning my husband has been having an affair.

Editor’s note: removed older relevant comments for space in this new continuing BoRU. For the full comments, see the previous BoRU linked above

Trigger Warnings: domestic abuse, harassment, stalking

RECAP

Original Post: July 13, 2026

I (38f) and my husband (39m) have been married for 16 years together for 18. We have 5 children together the youngest is only five months old. He is active duty Navy and has been gone for weeks. Yesterday he came home for a two week leave but immediately wanted to go out to drive Lyft for extra money which I thought was weird because he hadn’t seen us in so long. I even joked as he left that he better not be sneaking out to another woman. Ha ha ha. 💀.

He didn’t come home until after 5 am. At 5:30 he was asleep and his phone pinged and I looked at the message. It was a Facebook messenger message from a woman that said “glad you made it home okay. I love you.” So I messaged back that I’m his wife and who is this. The girl spilled.

She’s on his ship, another sailor. She and he have been having an affair for months. He told her we were separated and that he loved her blah blah blah. I woke him up and confronted him and he admitted everything. Told me that I’d been difficult lately with my postpartum depression. Told me that she isn’t distracted by kids and when they are together it’s just her and him. Told me she is exciting and me and him are too routine. When he got done blaming me he started blaming her saying “you know I have a hard time saying no to people” I said yeah you had no choice but to dick her down I guess. 😑 I told him he did not have to choose between us that she can have him. Worst of all she’s the age of my oldest (his stepson). She’s 21. Same age. And he said “I never thought it would be permanent with her because I don’t want any more kids and she’s so young I don’t want to deprive her of that “….

He had a whole ass other relationship behind my back. Like a girlfriend girlfriend. Like an I love you let’s talk about a future thing. It’s so fucking cliche it hurts. I can’t believe I’m like a fucking lifetime special having to say, “my husband had an affair with a coworker half his age.”

I look at my infant daughter and all I can think is that I hope she stays as far away from marriage as possible. 16 YEARS. 5 KIDS. Blind sighted. I’m such an idiot. I’m just standing in the wreckage of my life going what now? I told him the marriage is over. I just need a hug.

Update #1: July 31, 2026 (18 days later)

So I have an unhappy update.

After making him leave I went to the Chaplain for advice, and he asked to speak to both of us. I told him I wasn’t interested in reconciliation but would be willing to talk to him. My husband cried and said he just wanted his family back. The chaplain pushed me to give him another chance and for me to sit down with him at home and have a real conversation before filing for divorce.

After we left that session my husband got all his stuff out of the house and moved in with his affair partner. (Yep. Even though he cried to the Chaplain he immediately moved in with her). I thought about what to do for a long time and then decided I cannot tolerate this and would tell his command about the affair and them living together. So that weekend I called him and told him what I planned to do. He started freaking out and told me he was going to commit suicide, that he had nothing to live for anymore. At this point I got in contact with the family advocates on base and also texted the chaplain about my concerns for his safety and the safety of me and our children.

Two days later he came by to have our “talk”. I can’t share too many details from here on out, but what I can say is that I reiterated that I was informing his command and had evidence to show them and at that point he hit me, tried to attack one of our children who was in the room with us (who tried to defend me), and chased us around the house like a mad man. My son ran to the neighbor to get help and they called 911. Police were called and the base locked down for several hours while they searched for my husband. They found him eventually and brought him to his command where a no contact order was put in place.

Since then I have filed for a protective order, been working with DV advocates, and CPS who was called because my child was involved. CPS has been great, by the way. They told me I was doing everything right protecting my children and put a safety plan in place that keeps him away from us.

As far as I’m aware the Navy is investigating and he may face charges, non-judicial punishment or court martial. For now he is free to roam and not locked away. It’s been a very scary time. The child that was involved is currently sleeping next to my bed because he is so scared. I’ve taken some practical home security steps. I also called a DV shelter to try to get there but they told me they were at capacity and didn’t have room for a mother and 4 children and the next shelter was several hours away. School is about to start, and I also have to be able to go to court so that wasn’t an option. I also cannot leave the state now because I filed a protective order and it requires me to stay because of the children. So I’m a sitting duck just praying and hoping he doesn’t murder us.

I’m not exaggerating. Here is a man who can lie like he breathes. Who became violent and endangered his own child JUST for his affair being threatened to be reported. What happens when he faces the loss of his career or even potentially his freedom?

I wish I had a better update. I don’t. I’m scared to death. I’m working with every agency that will help me, police, court, CPS, advocates, legal aid, etc. None of it matters if he shows up with a gun in the middle of the night. We live on base with him. It’s not like he is far from us and again he is NOT restrained from movement. I bought a plane ticket for my mom, but she can only stay for 9 days and won’t be here until the end of August.

Everyone please keep me and my children in your thoughts. I am doing everything I can to keep my kids safe. Can’t believe this is my life after all these years. I feel so awful for my kids. I’m just holding my baby and praying all the time for us.

I almost didn’t update but I wanted to not deal with this all alone. There’s not much anyone can do but boy could I use some emotional support. Anyone who has been through this and made it out please tell me it will be ok.

Editor’s note: OOP also installed her mini update onto the update post

Mini Update in comments: August 7, 2026 (one week later from the previous update)

Update: I won my protective order! I know it’s just a piece of paper but I’m so proud of myself. It was so scary to show up because I didn’t have a lawyer, but I did it, I faced him, and the judge granted me a one year protection order, ordered supervised only visitation and ordered him to get batterer classes. I’m so relieved. Still taking it one day at a time.🩷.

—-NEW UPDATES—-

2nd Update: August 15, 2026 (eight days later)

Well girls things are bleak. We are now in a domestic violence shelter. The reason? The protective order didn’t stop him.

The day after the incident where he hit me and chased my son out of the house he came with military police to get his stuff, most of it he’d already moved to his affair partners house. Two days after the protective order was granted he came AGAIN. I explained he already did this and he has no stuff here and they said ok noted and it won’t happen again. Then two days ago he did it AGAIN but this time it was someone who looked like a regular cop in an unmarked car. The guy said he was there to escort my husband in the home to get his stuff. I said military police already escorted him and he had nothing here. This is where it got scary. He said he didn’t care about civil matters, and he was just there to make sure my husband got inside the house. I said absolutely not. I told him I have a protective order which means he can’t come near me, the kids or the home.

My husband got out of the back of the unmarked car and stood on my lawn. My kids ran and locked themselves in the bathroom. The man said if I have a problem with it to call a lawyer. I called 911 instead. I asked for his badge number. Dispatch could not identify him, and so base police were sent out. I shut my door and a few minutes later the military police came. I let the watch Commander inside to do a thorough walkthrough and show that my husband had no belongings there. My neighbor called me (the one my son ran to for help the night he hit me) and said my husband was outside my house smiling like a psycho. Anyway the watch Commander noted in his report that my husband had no possessions in the home. He told me he can’t stop him from doing this again. After they left I called a dv shelter and we went to stay there.

My husband is testing fences to see what he can get away with. To see how far he can push. I believe we are in danger. Today I have to hand my beloved dog over to a rescue because I cannot leave her alone at the house while we are gone as he could hurt her to hurt me.

My mom has room for us in another state at her house. I have to figure out how to get there. My husband changed bank accounts and locked us out of the money. I told my Victim Legal Advocate (basically my Navy lawyer), and he said command can put pressure on him but not force him to give us any money without a court order. I also wrote his CMC an email saying we have no money for diapers or necessities. I asked the Navy Marine Relief Corp Society if they could give us a grant so that I can afford the gas and hotels to drive several states over to my mom’s house. I haven’t gotten an answer yet.

My 9 year olds 10th birthday is tomorrow and that’s of course cancelled for safety reasons. He has been crying all day.

My 13 year old got in trouble at school for telling another student his dad tried to kill him. They reported him to the school officer. I explained he was a victim in a very recent crime, but they said it’s a violent statement and they have to report it so now my 13 year old is scared to go back to school.

So basically in a month I have been cheated on, hit, had my children severely traumatized, ended my marriage, gotten a protective order, lost all access to income, been harassed even though I have above mentioned protection order, and now am facing losing all of my possessions, my home, my dog, everything.

But we are alive. We are together. One day at a time. A lot of you have been asking for updates. I really wish I had a more Hollywood uplifting one for you, but real life is slow moving and unfairly an uphill battle for survivors. But that’s what we are. Survivors.

I’ll update again if and when I can get to my mom’s. I wish we could stay here in my house, but we live on base, he keeps harassing us, he’s dangerous and as soon as he is discharged (still under investigation) then we lose the base housing anyway. It’s a bad situation. Please keep me and my children in your thoughts.

Additional Information from OOP:

OOP: Here is some redacted shit to show this is indeed truly happening to me : https://imgur.com/a/5DFB5Y3

description of four pictures

Picture #1: OOP’s left arm with a large red bruise that is visible Picture #2: texts between OOP’s husband and the mistress

Affair: Glad you made it home okay. Sleep good okay? I love tou. (editor’s note: a typo from the mistress)

OOP: This is [redacted] wife. Who are you?

end of the transcript

Picture #3: A copy of Safety Decision Making Methodology Child Safety Plan. Date is July 22, 2026. It lists OOP’s children’s ages, 13, 9, 7 and 5 months. In a box explains why OOP’s husband is present danger to the family: “Parent is violent, impulsive, or acting dangerously in ways that seriously harmed the children or will likely seriously harm the children.”

Picture #4: A copy of Protection Order document between OOP and her husband. Filed on August 5, 2026. The document states the final judgement of injunction for protection against domestic violence with minor children. Both petitioner and respondent were present for the hearing. And July 30, 2026, findings were listed out as the notice was served to the respondent (OOP’s husband) with a copy of OOP’s petition to the court. The results came to the fact that OOP is a victim of domestic violence or has reasonable cause to believe she is in danger of becoming a victim.

end of descriptions of the pictures

Commenter 1: You can file a violation with the court that issued your injunction. Especially if the “escort” could not be identified. They’re usually told they get one chance to get their things. Violations of injunctions can be handled in injunction court or referred to criminal misdemeanor court, so I’d suggest filing every time he pushes. Even third party contact is typically prohibited in these orders so sending someone to relay a message to you could get him in trouble. The court won’t like it and if it he doesn’t stop/it is picked up criminally, he could end up stuck in jail without bond while it is pending.

OOP: I called the sheriff office today to do this, and they sent me to the watch commander who told me to contact the sheriff office. I’m fucking exhausted but trying to get SOMEONE to take it seriously but there’s a lot of confusion over who has jurisdiction since I live on base and it was base police who responded to the incident.

Commenter 2: I am so sorry this is happening to you, it sounds absolutely horrific. You are doing the right thing by leaving and prioritising yourself and your kids safety. How much would it cost for you to get to your mums?

OOP: Honestly about $600. $250-300 for gas and $250-300 for hotels (I’d have to stop 3 times because it’s a 26 hour drive and my baby is 6 months old.). I’m really hoping Navy Marine Corp Relief Society can give it to me in a grant. I am also going to try to sell my furniture and washer and dryer and all that because I can’t take it with me anyway. Literally can only take my kids and I and three suitcases.

I’m not asking for anything, and I don’t want to get banned. I’m just answering your question. I really need this community for support. So if I’m not supposed to answer this please don’t ban me, just tell me and I’ll delete. It’s like losing everything in a fire except the destruction is a man.

Commenter 3: Sell everything in your house, you’ll be able to get a good portion of it from that.

OOP: Yeah I might as well because otherwise it’s getting donated or thrown away.

Commenter 4: The restraining order is great, it’s progress, but when you’re living on base it’s not enough, because it’s a state thing and base is federal property. You need a no contact order from his command. That is what actually has teeth in this situation. Do you know who his command’s legal officer is? Have you been in touch with them?

OOP: We have a no contact order through his command as well

Commenter 5: I explained he was a victim in a very recent crime, but they said it’s a violent statement and they have to report it so now my 13 year old is scared to go back to school.

This is not something you need to deal with now, but this is absolutely something that the school needs to be held accountable for. A child in their care experienced a crime and they DOGPILED. Again, not now, but when you catch your breath, appoint someone to deal with this.

OOP: I was so pissed. I sort of understand where they are coming from, but it was ridiculous. I unenrolled him from the school immediately. The school officer called me, and he was actually apologetic and told us to have a safe trip. So nothing came of it but what a shitty thing to do to a traumatized child.

Commenter 6: Maybe I missed it, but did OP ever report the affair to the commander? It seems all of this started from her threatening to report the affair.

OOP: I did indeed. He hit me so he’s in bigger trouble for that than the affair. The Navy doesn’t really care about affairs if the sailor is enlisted and not an officer. Even then they usually don’t unless it causes friction on the ship.

Spending my son’s bday at the Women and Children’s shelter.: August 16, 2026 (next day)

Yep. After 16 years of marriage and 5 children my kids and I are now living at a domestic violence shelter. Long story short my military husband had an affair and when I threatened to tell his command he escalated to violence against me and our 13 year old. Was granted a protective order which he violated and now we are celebrating my son’s 10th birthday at the DV shelter. If you want to know more check my post history because I’m exhausted.

So why did I label this happy girl dinner? Because we are ALIVE, we are SAFE and we are TOGETHER. I got enough birthday cake to share with all the other families here and we made a big celebration of today. We can lose our house, our stuff, my dog (had to give her to a rescue so she wouldn’t fall victim to violence or retaliation while we are at shelter) ,and our income, but he cannot make us lose our joy or our love for one another. 🩷🎉🩷. It’s only up from here ladies.

Picture of OOP’s son’s birthday cake, sliced into square pieces

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: So uh, what did his command have to say about everything?

OOP: No contact order. OSTC is investigating for article 128b domestic violence.

Commenter 2: I’ve been following your story. Since you are a Navy dependent, I would urge you to request a Victims’ Legal Counsel. This is a JAG attorney who can represent you in the investigation and if there are any courts-martial charges. DM if you need assistance or more details about this.

OOP: I have one! He’s fantastic. He’s also realistic. Told me that 97% of domestic violence cases do not go to court martial. Best we can hope for is my husband gets separated but that can take a while. He’s still scheduled to deploy soon which is wild to me because with an active protective order he isn’t federally allowed to own or operate weapons. But yeah my VLC is a bulldog.

Commenter 3: I’m so sorry you lost your dog. You have everything else you can’t replace. Your kids are lucky to have you setting a great example and leading them through this. You will come out the other side together. I’m glad you’re still able to find joy in the small things, that’s so important. Much love to you all

OOP: She was a pug and my baby. Had her four years. She went to [REDACTED] Rescue which is a fantastic rescue. She will probably get to go surfing.

But I’m so sad. I will miss her. They told me they’d have to change her name for her safety when they post her for adoption. I gave them a painting I made of her, and they said they’d make sure it goes with her. I will always have her in my heart. I knew if I didn’t get her out of that home that she would be in danger.

Commenter 4: You are strong and your kids will know it and see it and remember this as a time you went above and beyond to protect them and STILL celebrated a birthday. You have a beautiful outlook as well. I hope the very best for you and your kids.

OOP: I showed up at the shelter with two sheet cakes, a gallon of ice cream and ice cream cones, a big bag of individual potato chips and 2 gallons of fruit punch and yelled out whoooo wants birthday cake! The kids all came running. I made sure the moms all got cake, too. I chased down some of the teen boys who were watching off to the side and said come on y’all know you aren’t too old for cake. Everyone sang my son happy birthday. I brought a bunch of old toys from the house and put it in the play room so now all the kids are in there playing with those. Honestly might be one of the best birthdays ever.

I’m not going to let a man burn my life down. I’m gonna shine brighter and smile bigger. Life is hard but life is good.

Editor’s note: next update’s body text was saved before it got deleted

Are there any resources that help domestic violence victims travel to safety?: August 21, 2026 (five days later)

I have 4 children ages 6 months old to 13 years old (and a 5th but he is 21 and in college in another state). My children and I were recently the victims of domestic violence at the hands of my husband. I won a protective order against my husband but because we live on base (he is Navy) we never feel safe here. I even had to stay a few days at a domestic violence shelter after he terrorized us. I am trying to get us to my mom’s house out of state, but he blocked us from his finances and because I was a stay at home mom I have no income of my own.

I am trying to sell our belongings on Facebook marketplace but not getting many people interested. I tried to get the Navy Marine Relief Corp Society to help but they basically just do loans now and those require the service member’s approval. I have a victim advocate who is trying to get my husband’s command to help but she tells me there is no guarantee that they will.

Basically I will need $600 to afford the gas and the 3 motel stays it will take me to drive to my mom’s house. I have $120 to my name right now. Are there any organizations that assist with helping dv victims travel? If they can’t provide cash assistance maybe they could fly us? I hate to lose our vehicle, but I will leave it as long as me and my babies can get to safety.

So far I have tried the Navy Marine Relief Corp Society, the American Red Cross, I have called catholic charities and the salvation army. Is there anywhere else I can call? My husband is underway on his ship for just over a month, but I’d like us to be gone before he gets back.

Surely there are organizations that can help us. I just need help figuring out who to call and ask.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Have you asked anyone at the DV shelter? Usually those are good central points of contact that refer to other DV resources. They’ll know what assistance orgs are in your area.

OOP: They helped me apply for a grant that goes through the attorney general’s office, but it takes a few months to get. I left the shelter this morning, but they were very helpful while I was there. There are just so many people who need help and so few resources, so everything takes a long time. One woman at the shelter said her and her babies just approved for section 8… After five years of being on the wait list. Insanity.

Commenter 2: Have you spoken to his superiors? I’m reasonably sure the military frowns on the financial abuse.

OOP: I have a victim legal counsel (Navy Lawyer assigned to me for being the victim of a crime) who talks to his command. Yes they have spoken with his Command Master Chief who have said they will counsel my husband but also that they cannot “force” him to send us money. + The Navy can be an infuriating organization to deal with. Slow, bureaucratic, and not very caring or supportive to victims. You really have to fight tooth and nail to get them to move. They tend to rug sweep. That’s why I’m also looking for any civilian orgs that could help.

Need to feed 4 kids on a 5 day road trip with $100. How would you make it work?: August 23, 2026 (two days later)

Long story short: fleeing domestic violence to safety at my mom’s house. Technically I just need to feed me and 3 kids because my youngest is only 6 months old and breastfed. We have to drive over 1000 miles and I’m planning to make 4 stops, so it won’t be so hard on the baby. I have just enough for the gas and motels and have $100 for food. Obviously we can’t buy anything at gas stations or fast food places. We would need to probably go to Walmart once a day. I can bring a gallon of water with me every day and fill up their water bottles before we leave the hotel. I THINK the motels have at least a microwave, but I won’t have any utensils. I know obviously peanut butter and bread but what else would you do if you had no choice but to do this? Because I don’t. It is what it is. Please share any ideas you have. 🩷

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Lots of options for food, as others are pointing out, but drive wise, is it mostly interstate? Because if so, you’re talking about driving less than 4 hours a day? I understand the issues you mentioned about your kids, but driving 250 Mi a day we’re driving 333 miles a day isn’t that much of a difference. I would definitely cut at least a day off. I would imagine issues with the kids in the car would also still be there, potentially, with you all packed into a single hotel room, so you’re still going to have those issues, but you could cut down the amount of time overall

OOP: I could do a 4 day plan where I go 6 1/2 hours the first day, and 4-5 hours the rest. That first day is going to be super tough though. I swear I’m not stupid or anything I’m just genuinely trying to make it easier on my kids. My 13-year-old was involved in the domestic violence he was a victim to, and he’s had a really hard time. Then again it’s just a few days so maybe I should.

Commenter 2: You will need to do longer days. Get up and start the drive at 8:30-9 am. Drive 3-4 hours and find a stop at a park. Stop for an hour and let the kids play in the park, have lunch, breastfeed, and get the frustration of being in the car out. Get back in and drive another 3-4 hours. Get dinner (no one cares if it’s a little Caesars $6 pizza a night), have swimming or quiet activities and sleep. Then repeat.

If you can, a good pair of noise cancelling ear protection will help the oldest. And if you need ideas on routes with fun stops for the kids, DM me and I can plot things that make fun break. For example, I can do a Springfield Mo to Chicago outskirts in a day trip with two planned fun stops for an hour and drives less than 3 hours each. Breaking it up like that makes an adventure out of something scary.

OOP: You know what actually the park idea is genius I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. I know that we’re traveling through some major cities because it’s cross country so there’s surely some free places that kids can go and play along the way. That would give me a break from driving too. Legitimately thank you I didn’t even think of that

Commenter 3: 1000 miles? That’s 2 days, maybe 3. I understand it might be tough on the kids but shortening the trip is financially the easier thing to do. Also increases food budget if you are not paying extra hotel/lodging costs.

OOP I might be able to cut one day off but my 13 year old is autistic and can’t handle the baby crying and she doesn’t do so well in the car. If my first day is 6 1/2 hours the rest could be 4-5 and I could make it in 4 days. We are staying at budget motels, so I’d save about $60.

Some redditors often ideas of places where OOP can get a good bulk of food for cheap such as Walmart, etc.

OOP: I have a Sam’s club membership! I thought about getting a rotisserie chicken for dinner each night if I can find one every day. The pizza idea is fantastic I could at least do that one night! + OOP: Heck yeah! I know exactly what you’re talking about. The ones with Mac and cheese and mashed potatoes. If we did that for dinner for three nights and a Sam’s club Pizza on the last night that only eats up a little less than half my budget. And then I would just need sandwiches for lunch and something for breakfast. (I don’t think the budget motels were going to stay at off for breakfast). And me and the kids can handle water for 4 days.

We Made it to Safety 🩷: September 7, 2026 (15 days later)

Hey everyone. I’m the one who posted a few days (weeks?) ago about moving across the country to escape domestic violence with my kids and having $100 for food. I have had a lot of people asking me to update so I just wanted to let y’all know we made it to my mom’s house safely. Baby girl and I are sharing a room, and my other 3 boys are sharing a room (I have 5 children total but one is an adult in college in another state. Yep my oldest is 21 years apart from my youngest!).

So yeah I drove 1200 miles alone by myself with 4 kids and whatever I could fit in the back of our vehicle literally across half of the country. It was scary. I usually AVOID highways and I’ve never driven that far before. It took several days to get here but I just got up every day and did it scared. One mile at a time. We got here a few hours ago. Life certainly hasn’t gone the way we planned but I’m so thankful to have my wonderful supportive mom and to have the supportive online community of people here.

My kids will never sleep afraid for their lives again. Tonight I think we all sleep better than we have in weeks. Here’s to our new chapter. Thank you all so much for your advice and support. You have no idea how much it meant to me. It kept me going. Seriously. Knowing there were others who survived something similar and made it okay on the other side. Helped to give me the strength I needed to make it here even though I was terrified the whole time. I don’t know y’all, but I love y’all. We made it!

Picture of OOP’s bedroom

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OOP has an air mattress bed set up on the hardwood floor with pink and green blankets and pillows. In the left corner is a crib set up next to the bed for OOP’s 6 months old child. At the bottom of the bed are the suitcases OOP took with her and her children

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Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: People make horrible decisions, and it seems like you finally made right one

OOP: I unironically do love welfare. It helps millions of people. It lifts disenfranchised people out of poverty and saves lives. So yeah I do love it. 🩷.

Commenter 1: Really hope this inspires others. I love the way you put it. Do it scared, and just take it a mile at a time. Best wishes for you and your kids, they’re really lucky to have you!

OOP: You can get stuck in your head thinking what if I blow out a tire what if we get stranded, what if we get hurt in one of the hotels, what if he finds us before we make it, what if what if what if.

You just have to do it anyway. Load the suitcases, strap the kids in, start the car and drive. Then you do it again and you keep doing it until you make it.

Gotta look straight ahead and worry about what’s behind you or what’s coming up. Might sound dumb but it’s what I had to do.

Commenter 2: I did the same thing but instead of kids it was a cat, a dog, and a gecko. I did it just shy of a year ago and I’ve never been happier. The first night in safety I slept something like 15 hours. Arguably I moved in with family, but I promise you did the right thing.

Prepare yourself though – your abuser may try and claim you kidnapped the kids if any are his. See about a restraining order, speak to a public attorney or call an office and see if they can point you in the direction of someone who can help you pro bono. It’s not the easiest, but you can do it.

All mail to a PO Box for at least a year. I opened one 2 towns over for the first few months til my mom convinced me to close it down since they already knew where I had gone and the address. That and the PD is like just across the street should anything have happened. But in your case I would recommend a PO Box in the nearest big city if you’re rural or one in a different postal code.

You did right by those kiddos and you did right by yourself. You will succeed. You will be where you’re meant to be. You got this I promise.

OOP: I won a one year protective order with only supervised visits and also got permission from that same judge before we came here.

Excellent idea about the PO box. Thank you, I need to do this asap.

OOP shares tips that could be most useful when on the road

OOP: So many of the tips here were lifesavers. Every halfway point we took a break at a park/playground and had packed lunches from our cooler. I would make rice every day in our rice cooker and then refill our Tupperware container for the next day. We used the ice from the hotel to fill the cooler every day. We went to Walmart and got the rotisserie chicken meal that comes with Mac and cheese and mashed potatoes for $9. They also had hamburgers and chicken sandwiches for $2 each.

I took the kids swimming every place that had a pool and let them enjoy it as long as they wanted even if I was exhausted. This was important because this was overall a sad trip for us. Leaving everything behind and losing their father is hard. So I did my best to make the journey fun. I took my time. I didn’t try to make it in two days. I took it slow. A 4 hour drive might take us 7 with the stops. But I made it as comfortable as I could for them. I let them sleep in when they wanted to.

I changed our motels to ones with free breakfast (literally like $10 more a night compared to motel 6) so that we would have breakfast every day.

There’s probably more but I’m exhausted and might take a nap with my baby. I’ll come back and reply more later though. 🩷.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP

A Military Wife’s Trust Begins to Crumble After One Unexpected Text Message

I never expected a single text message to make me question everything I thought I knew about my marriage. My husband is in the military, so our relationship has never been completely ordinary. There have been long stretches of time when he was away, unpredictable schedules, missed birthdays, holidays spent apart, and countless nights when I had to handle the kids and the house by myself. I always knew what I signed up for when I married him, and I never wanted to make him feel guilty about his career. We had been together for years, and despite the difficulties, I believed we had built a strong marriage based on trust.

We have children together, and most of our lives revolve around them. Between school schedules, appointments, meals, housework, and my husband’s military obligations, there is rarely much time left for romance. We have had arguments like every married couple, but I never seriously believed he was unfaithful. There were times when he came home exhausted or seemed distracted, but I always blamed his job. I knew military life could be stressful, and I did not want to become the kind of wife who assumed the worst every time her husband was quiet.

That is why I never paid much attention to his coworkers. I knew he worked closely with both men and women, and I understood that spending long hours together could create friendships. Some of his coworkers had become people he talked about regularly, and I never had a problem with that. I trusted him to know where the boundaries were. I believed that being married meant giving each other enough freedom to live without constantly demanding proof of loyalty.

One evening, however, everything changed because of a message that appeared on his phone. His phone was sitting near me while he was doing something in another room, and the screen lit up with a notification. I was not intentionally looking through his messages, but the preview was visible. I saw the name of a woman I recognized as one of his coworkers, followed by three words that immediately made my stomach drop: “I love you.”

For several seconds, I just stared at the screen. I honestly wondered if I had read it incorrectly. I knew the woman because my husband had mentioned her before, but as far as I knew, they were simply coworkers. Seeing her tell my husband that she loved him felt completely different from seeing a normal work-related message. I did not touch his phone or open the conversation. I simply waited for him to come back because I wanted to hear his explanation before making any assumptions.

When he returned, I told him what I had seen. His reaction was not what I expected. Instead of immediately laughing and explaining that there was some obvious misunderstanding, he became very quiet. He looked at me and asked exactly what I had seen. I repeated the message, and he sighed before saying that she was “overly friendly” and that I should not read too much into it.

I asked him why a coworker would tell him she loved him if there was absolutely nothing unusual between them. He said she had become emotionally attached to him because they worked together closely. According to him, he had never encouraged her feelings and had never told her that he felt the same way. He said he was actually uncomfortable with the situation and had been trying to keep things professional.

I wanted to believe him. More than anything, I wanted his explanation to make sense because the alternative was too painful to consider. I told myself that maybe she had developed feelings for him on her own. Maybe she had misunderstood their friendship. Maybe he had simply been too uncomfortable to tell me about it because he knew I would become upset.

Still, one thing bothered me. If he had been trying to maintain professional boundaries, why had he never told me that this woman had feelings for him? We had always talked about difficult things before. I had never asked him to report every conversation he had at work, but this seemed different. He admitted that she had made comments before that made him uncomfortable, but he said he did not think they were serious enough to mention.

That answer stayed in my head for days. I started remembering little things I had previously ignored. There had been evenings when he came home and immediately took his phone into another room. There had been times when he smiled at messages and then quickly turned the screen away when I walked by. I had never thought much about it before because I trusted him. Now every small detail suddenly seemed important.

I did not want to become paranoid, so I tried to behave normally. I did not search through his phone, and I did not follow him around asking questions. Instead, I watched his behavior. What I noticed made me increasingly uncomfortable. He seemed more protective of his phone than he had been before, and whenever a particular coworker contacted him, his mood changed.

Eventually, I asked him directly whether he had ever encouraged her feelings. He immediately said no. I asked whether they had ever talked about our marriage. He hesitated before saying that they had discussed personal problems because they were friends. I asked what kind of problems, and he became defensive.

He told me that I was turning an innocent friendship into something inappropriate. He said he had been under a lot of pressure and sometimes needed someone at work to talk to. I understood that everyone needs someone to talk to, but I could not understand why that person had apparently fallen in love with him.

A few days later, I found out that the “I love you” message was not the first time she had expressed those feelings. My husband eventually admitted that she had said something similar before, although he claimed he had never responded romantically. He said he had tried to distance himself after realizing how serious her feelings were.

That made me ask an obvious question: if he knew she was emotionally attached to him, why was he still communicating with her outside of work? He told me most of the conversations were related to work or general friendship. But when I asked why he had not simply stopped responding to personal messages, he did not have a good answer.

Then something happened that made the situation much more serious. The coworker somehow got my phone number and contacted me directly. I had no idea how she had gotten it. Her first message was strangely polite, but it quickly became emotional. She told me that I did not know the full story and that my husband had not been completely honest with me.

I asked her what she meant. She claimed that my husband had told her he was unhappy in his marriage. She said he had talked to her about problems between us and had made her believe that his feelings for her were more than friendship. According to her, she believed they were developing a relationship.

I confronted my husband immediately. He became furious and said she was lying because she was angry that he had started pulling away from her. He insisted that he had never promised her a relationship and had never told her that he wanted to leave me. He admitted that they had talked about our marriage but said he had only discussed normal marital stress.

At that point, I did not know what to believe. The coworker clearly had feelings for him, but that did not automatically mean everything she said was true. At the same time, my husband had already admitted that he had hidden some of their interactions from me. Even if there had never been a physical affair, I could not ignore the emotional secrecy.

The situation became even more frightening when the coworker started sending messages that sounded less like an explanation and more like a warning. She mentioned things about my husband that I had never heard before. Some details were completely harmless, but others made me wonder how much time they had spent talking privately.

I told her to stop contacting me and said that whatever issues existed between her and my husband needed to stay between them. I did not want threats, arguments, or workplace drama entering our home. But by then, the damage had already been done. I could no longer look at my husband without wondering what conversations had happened behind my back.

My husband eventually admitted that he had crossed boundaries, although he continued to deny having a physical affair. He said he had enjoyed the attention and emotional support she gave him, and he acknowledged that he should have stopped the friendship much earlier. He apologized for hiding the extent of their communication from me.

I asked him whether he loved her. He immediately said no. I asked him why she believed he did. He said he could not control what she felt but admitted that he might have said things that were too personal or allowed her to believe there was a possibility between them. That was probably the most painful part for me because it meant the situation was not completely one-sided.

I also started thinking about how vulnerable our marriage had become. Military life already puts pressure on a relationship. Long periods apart can create loneliness, and when someone at work is constantly around your spouse, emotional connections can develop quickly if boundaries are not maintained. I had always believed our trust would protect us from that, but now I realized trust could not replace communication and boundaries.

My husband offered to cut contact with her except when absolutely necessary for work. He said he would be completely transparent with me and would do whatever it took to rebuild my trust. Part of me wanted to believe him because I still loved him and did not want our family to fall apart over something that might never have become a physical affair.

But another part of me kept asking whether I would ever know the complete truth. If I had never seen that message, would he have told me about her feelings? If she had never contacted me, would I still believe everything was normal? Those questions were impossible to ignore.

The most disturbing part is that the coworker did not simply disappear after everything came out. There were still occasional messages and indirect attempts to contact me. My husband said he had handled the situation, but I could tell the conflict was affecting him too. What started with three words on a phone screen had turned into something involving our marriage, his workplace, and our sense of safety at home.

I am still trying to figure out what happens next. My husband insists that he never cheated physically and that he wants to spend the rest of his life proving that he can be trusted again. I want to believe him, but I also know that rebuilding trust is not something that happens because someone says they are sorry. I keep thinking about the night I saw those words, “I love you,” and wondering how close my husband really was to the woman who sent them. Maybe I will eventually decide that he made a serious mistake and genuinely wants to fix our marriage. But right now, I am struggling with the possibility that I may never know where the truth ends and the lies begin.